To the people who were older and on whom I relied to teach me about love, trust, and connection:
The messaging that your encampment in your ways was more important than me, wounded me, deeply and from my earliest recollections, left me thinking it made sense to marry a person who would also leave me feeling all of these ways:
Invalid – Overwhelmed – Panicked – Sidelined – Benched – Discarded – Dismissed – Denied – Anguished – Alienated – Banished – Persecuted – Shamed – Abandoned – Unworthy – Alone – Non-essential – Unprotected – Unwelcome – Unacceptable – Excluded – Unchosen – Despair – Hopeless – Powerless – Unwanted – Outside – Marginalized – Insignificant – Humiliated – Existential Dread – Ashamed – Cursed – Broken – Unlovable – Less than – Confused – Disconnected – Raging – Afraid – Misunderstood – Violated – Undesirable – Worthless – Stunned – Disoriented – Paralyzed – Trapped – Inadequate – Bizarre – Anxious – Desperate – Lost – Separate – Naked – Ugly – Bad – Erased
And, I do believe that you achieved exactly what you intended. I think you thought I “made you sick”. But in fact, you were already sick. And I too was deeply affected, by the sickness, only my reaction to those practices differed. And that meant trouble for me.
My boys’ father, committed to doing only as he has known, LITERALLY may as welll hand our sons each a gun, a beer bottle, and some drugs and direct them: “There, now–Go self soothe, like me, and those who have gone before us. This is how we do it. Get on board or fuck off. The price for making waves is higher than you might be able to withstand.” This brand of sickness, the family practices of addiction and mental unwellness fight hard to rule.
My wish: For everyone to seek help and healing and stop infecting others with this soul-killing curse. Break the cycle. Starting RFN.
I observe in anguish, my boys’ father now behaving in exactly the same way to our son (as he did to me, and as his father did to his children, and also as my mother and sister to me), who is now unwilling to live with, speak to or visit with him. Fuck this cycle!!! Punishing and diminishing children who fail to please, satisfy, and revere you is tyranny, not discipline. Allow children (and people) the freedom and dignity to experience life as they will. Stop trynuh be god and king.
Nobody in my home shall be forced to show up to be made to feel any of these ways.
