Better Not Cry- Better Not Pout
From my earliest days, my high sensitivity to sensory and emotional impact (and therefore differing needs) were identified as trouble-making, a betrayal, a burden, a lack of gratitude, shameful, punishable. …
Holding On– But also letting go
I suspect that I am the only one in my entire lineage (and also the lineage of the person I married and divorced)— able and willing to self reflect and…
Goals, Ambition, Mental Health
I've been thinking lately about life in survival mode, how it prevented me from setting and working toward/achieving goals. And turns out: Goal achievement plays a large part in mental…
How Do I Handle This?
The one thing I have most needed to know how to handle, is myself. I am finally learning to do this– with love and compassion. Only in recovery, have I been encouraged and taught to navigate and cope with difficult feelings and people. With the fixed mindset that I was responsible for all bad behavior and words spoken to, about, or near me, I was always on the verge of, or mid- panic/mental breakdown. I could be counted on to behave like a complete lunatic when faced with stress: dishonesty, an unkind word, betrayal, dismissal, and most any situation which caused me to feel threatened, ashamed and powerless. With my volatile vibe and explosive responses, nearly anyone could get away with treating me poorly or unfairly, since my insanity insured a stealing of the spotlight, taking a person promptly off the hook for foul play. My unfortunate reactions made it not only possible, but likely and easy for people to righteously demean me. ?? When I stopped reacting, those ☠️relationships, which relied on my sick engagement, ceased. Old habits and relationships die ⚰️hard. I let them die—so I can live.
As I write this, as when I do most things, I hear voices of those who neeeeed for me to BE wrong and sick in order that they feel right, good, and well. As if their only source of traction relies on a contrast to ME. Those voices are all: “Oh yeh, poor Magda, as if she is/was some sort of angel snowflake, sooo precious.” Anyone who genuinely knows me, also knows that I absolutely do not intend to convey a life of absolute innocence. I neither deny nor make excuses for the less than stellar ways which I have been. As a result of feeling intensely emotionally charged 24/7, negatively charged, I said and did unreasonable, unkind, and dishonest things. Fuck, it is all I knew. I had witnessed neither mercy nor grace (the spiritual kind, not a poised and carefully curated appearance). When we know better, we do better. I am learning, a work in progress. (more…)
The Pain We Do Not Heal(re-post from 2018)
Recovery has been a wildly unpopular choice—quite agitating to those threatened by the idea that there is something wrong—other than only my existence. My healing has been labelled a lie, a show, an attack, a war, a story to get attention. I hear this frequently from others in recovery-“Recovery is a deal-breaker and a relationship ender for those with a need for us to stay sick, sad, broken, afraid, and ashamed.” Those are deals worth breaking. The relationships will either heal along with us or they will die natural (but painful) deaths. Are you ready to feel and heal? Nothing like the gift of desperation—the lightning bolt moment in which it becomes unbearably clear that IT cannnot continue. For me, becoming a mother and experiencing the full gravity of two little ones learning about love and family by observing and experiencing US, as we were-that was my invitation to heal. I will not carry on the lies and legacies of dynamics which rely on shaming, shunning, and contracting to cull the herd. I will not pass that on.
I believe in a better story for my children. I choose to learn and do better.
“Pain travels through family lines until someone is ready to heal it in themselves. By going through the agony of healing, you no longer pass the poison chalice onto the generations that follow. It is incredibly important and sacred work”
It stops here. I realize that I regularly share about my loveless family and marriage experiences. But today, I recognize how they are Godless more than loveless. I think that making this distinction could alleviate some of the pain. The brand of love and family which I was raised on and then went on to marry, conflicts with all of my basic needs and core truths. Requirements to be revered(as one might a god or ruler), in control, and at the center, made no allowances for personal differences & preferences,healthy curiosity, open communication, intimate/safe/healthy and sustainable connection. It was killing to my soul and spirit.
Has anyone ever attempted to be your god, not as a source of protection, hope, and comfort—but as THE ONE in charge of punishment and rewards based on how you please them and accommodate their moods and preferences? —entirely self propelled by pride, ego, agenda. ☠️ Spiritual Recovery teaches me all of the ways in which I need a God-centered life more than I need “that”. It is the choice, I have been left to make. Repeatedly. Get on board or pay the price— after you fuck off. I have not been allowed to fuck off in peace. I have tried. There is no peace with people like this. Capitulation or Reprisal. That manner of engagement is not for me nor my children. We will not abide. Love is the boss of us. We are less afraid of the disapproving and wrathful than we are of losing ourselves. Here is a fun saying I heard recently—“God is god and I am not” (and neither are you!!) (more…)
If you can’t convince them, confuse them(re-post)
In between wrapping gifts and singing along to Country Christmas, I am taken down by the grief of my sister and my mother, the reality of how they smash and grab– seizing what they want, as they like. I received the email below, following my direct request to postpone one Sunday dinner– until WE resolve some tensions. 
A Different Kind Of Sex(re-post)
So, before divorce and finally sweet Greg, I had experienced sex as an act necessary to make a relationship less shitty (or as a thing to do when intoxicated and…
Public Service Announcement
So, in recovery, I get to practice not telling people about themselves, under any circumstance, with the exception of my children. This, I can not yet resist, even when I'd…
Shame and Guilt and Fear
Shame and Guilt and Fear for openly wanting or needing more or different from what is being provided.... It never ends. I waited days to share with Favorite, the details…