After my friend in the mountains directed me, in a moment of distress, to “relax”, I was able to calmly request the following without any blowback or negative consequences:
“Hey, next time you think of suggesting I take a breath and relax, will you please consider instead saying”: “what do you need or what can I do to make it better?” And he gladly does!!! What a miracle. Asking for what I need from the right people is another fruit of my recovery. And also recognizing that if he would have objected or defended his need to say that, that would have registered as my cue to move on. He continually reminds me in a loving, amazing soulful eye contacty way: “Just ask me directly if you need something, and if I can, I will give it to you.”
Favorite has been known to say to me in times of duress “It is not the end of the world” and I was able to let her know that upsets me- because to me, it feels dismissive and degrading. And she stopped saying that—to me! This is LOVE!!! The kind of love I need, crave, deserve, and intend to give. Where people can count on feeling heard, seen, welcome, safe, valued. Everyone gets to choose what matters to them. 🥰 Right? Like if you need/ prefer/ choose to keep saying and doing the dismissive things, so be it- but I gotta roll.
Showing deep care and regard for a person calls us to want to know: how to NOT make things feel harder, lonelier, worse, even when there is nothing we can do to make them better.
