I am realizing why roles and scripts are of increasing interest to me, as I learn to wean myself from a recurring dynamic. I can now identify powerful, lifeshaping roles of those whom I experienced as most damaging for me: my grandmother, mother, uncle, sister and the person I married. And….. a person I sometimes work with. With each of these people, I have perceived ongoing efforts by them to exercise an unwholesome “authority”, not leadership or guidance but something other. Frequently they pulse with the vibe: Who tf do you think you are? And then go to great lengths to try to show me and others “my value”.
Here is the thing. I dont think I am anybody, but I also do not think I am less than or unworthy of dignity. Any person attempting to diminish me or condescend to me or gain submission from me, will become frustrated. AND. That is on them. No matter what is or is not true about me, their conduct and treatment of me—is ON THEM. I abstain. Hard Pass. Full-body(and soul) NO.
Because I lack engagement in hustle culture, I effortlessly agitate those scrambling for status and recognition….It is as if my lack of concern for how they are “showing”, causes them to regard me as opposition. I am not opposing anything except participating in my own degradation. It is incomprehensible to me when a grown ass adult needs to feel that if I do a great job, it is FOR them. And if I struggle or fuck a thing up, it is AT or about them.
A person’s feelings about me or themselves has nothing to do with what I need to do. This does not mean I dgaf —simply that I am not driven to curate people’s feelings about me, themselves, or others. I think that type of effort/conduct has been identified as manipulation…Unwholesome
I lack the need for glorifying or defending myself because my (recovery) principles (which guide and serve well personally and professionally) consistently speak for themselves, to who I am—-Because I am what I do. This has been triggering for narcissistic types, eliciting in them, a need to retaliate and smear— in passive aggressive ways- frustrated that my performance and worth and motivation have nothing at all to do with them.
Also, my unrelenting need for clarity and transparency seems to signal danger to NPD types, because—- bullshit gets exposed, not out of malicious effort, just that I make no effort to cover- for myself—-or for most others.
Anyway—Regarding scripts and roles and new dynamics, my need to explore new and consensual and mutually beneficial roles, makes perfect sense. I no longer consent to the role of someone who matters less. I can accept that many times, I have less power but never less value. Jilan Catherine Ghoneim Whitney
That is a type of bondage, I reject. I will surrender the urge combat it or illuminate it, as I know how that goes. If someone with ego issues needs to be right and in charge, at all costs, and has me in their crosshairs, and may only find satisfaction and strength in gaining submission of or eliminating me, so be it. Been there. Done that. Recovery teaches me to detach and let things be what they are without my active engagement. Folks gonna do and be exactly as they are. Abusers abuse. Period.
