Having been raised in an system in which love (access to connection and protection) could be earned, lost, and withheld, I did not fare well. It is my belief that wholesome love can be neither earned nor lost. I think I would desecribe my formative experience as one of emotional poverty. I recently learned the phrase emotional inheritance which drives me even harder to break the cycle (the cycles of believing that some people matter more than others) and to intentionally leave a more healed and healing legacy.
Although CPTSD still triggers intense reactions to perceived threats, which brings me significant shame and harm, I am grateful for the support and wisdom I have in recovery. This guidance helps me learn healthy, loving, and grounded ways to engage in relationships, especially in motherhood, community, and friendship. While I can’t guarantee that my boys will embrace recovery principles, I can ensure they are exposed to them.
I’ve been reflecting on how much easier it is for people to label one member of a group as crazy, delusional, or oversensitive—terms often used to describe victims of gaslighting and narcissistic abuse—than to acknowledge that another member has actually behaved in harmful or abusive ways, especially if the abuser is discreet and hasn’t directly targeted them.
So, yeh, Hustle culture and gaslighting. Oh, and cycle breaking. These are on my mind, again and still.
Also –yay to 2024 and a new and expansive relationship! I cherish each dating experience. Every encounter teaches me something valuable about myself, regardless of how brief or lengthy our time together may be.
