What my healing looks like:
I get dysregulated and lose my shit – saying reactive and escalating things—and behaving badly. And then: I apologize and acknowledge that the immense reaction is my mess and that I am working to heal and recover in this way. I am always attempting to do better self-care so that I dont so easily unravel. Sleep deprivation makes this nearly impossible for me. An overactive nervous system which remains unrested and overstimulated is literally the definitnion of unmanageable.
Healing is not limited to bad behavior and dysregulated nervous system as only a thing of my past. I may never reach that level, without nightly rest for mental and physical recovery.
Today though, after the first night of rest, in nearly 2 months, I have thoroughly enjoyed engaging executive function. I was highly effective and efficient at my job. I planned, cleaned, organized, grocery shopped, exercised, addressed things as healthy functioning people do, like those who rise from bed each morning, after having been unconscious for some amount of time.
Agency, purpose, clarity, and free will. Amazing. Truly. A vastly different existence from my standard of being hostage to overwhelm, fatigue, overstimulation, and basic demands of daily life, while also doing the work to heal from grief and C-PTSD (not excuses at all-but definitely contributors to my compromised existence) I feel nearly manic, attempting to get it all done- TODAY. Who knows when rest may happen again- allowing me the freedom to think clearly and make choices and decisions and plans, rather than my standard laps around the drain?
How I would love if healing were more of an event than a process. And also, might be extra nice if it could be linear….and collectively sought and valued.
