Several things occurred last week to escalate my despair. And the thing which hurt the most, was the secondary feeling. You see, any time, I am in pain, or struggle or suffering, I recall how my family or origin would view this as not only what I deserve, but as what I cause and earn, or simply manufacture.
Any observable overwhelm: pain, discomfort, need, sensitivity, or limit of mine which inconvenienced them/called for some level of heightened consideration- went into the pot of: She is a pain in the ass, ungrateful (as evidenced by her inability and unwillingness to just be happy and comfortable and to go with the flow), manipulative, difficult, impossible. WE shall reduce her to a more manageable size. She is unmanageable.
The family system and culture- by labelling me pain in the ass, could collectively and comfortably diminish, disregard, and banish me…once it was established that I did have it coming, right? Will she ever learn that those needs, limits, struggles, pains are hers to manage and bringing them out into the open, shall only increase her suffering (by her own hand—it is her choice).
The system demands a certain posture and kissing of the ring, which I cannot manage or feign, and this was regarded as a breach of the highest level.
I am attempting to practice radical acceptance and self care today. The Closer I am to Fine says it perfectly.
