What if I had grown up with even one single person who saw me, heard me, was kind and compassionate and DECIDED that I was worth understanding, worthy of peace and comfort and sheltering? What if, just one adult in my life had chosen to concern themselves with exactly why I felt so overwhelmed and pained literally all the time? Instead, this sensitivity and lack of resilience was labelled and “treated” as: a bad attitude, negative, ungrateful, angry, difficult, manipulative, overly sensitive, pain in the ass.
My neurology is such that I feel overwhelmed by most all sensory input. Things which dont even register for some hit me in high definiton at a cellualr level. In response to this: I now live a life of near solitude in my home; my bedroom specifically, which is not unlike a sensory deprivation chamber, dim lighting, mellow color scheme, 68 degrees, silent, orderly, and if any scent at all, lavender. Loud noises, overhead lighting, big or repetitive movements are not allowed in my bedroom. At last, I have a protected and safe space.
I am not unaware that my sensitivity is na lot for others. My HIGH sensitivity is not a choice or a crime or proof of wrongness. In addition to neurodivergent wiring: difficulty sensory processing and constant state of overwhelm (My nervous system feels under siege in the presence of most others— speaker phones, cologne, clicking pens, bright lights, or any visual, auditory, or olfactory chaos.) This state of constant overwhelm calls for more rest than most typically require, yet I rarely sleep or rest, and this leaves me especially vulnerable to emotional impact.
I imagine lil Magda – constantly overwhelmed by the food smells and consistencies, loud voices and music and incorrect temperatures (my body does not regulate temperature-I rarely sweat, no matter how hot-and am prone to heatstroke and then also feel chilled when humidity is present- if it is warm) Does this make sense or feel relatable to most others? No. Is it convenient and fun for anyone? Absolutely no. Does it make me bad? Also No.
Add to that gaslighting and shunning which flowed in response to these unhidable discomforts of mine. The ongoing message: If you are unhappy or uncomfortable, that is on you, do not burden us with it. You have either caused, imagined, or brought on any claimed pain. Oh, and fuck you. Smile godammit. Your failure to arrange your face and attitude to one of pleasure is proof of lack of gratitude and assholery. Fix that or fuck off and pay the price.
You say you’re cold—instead of a blanket or jacket, we will offer a thermostat reading. You say you are hungry, instead of a simple low sensory impact snack, you a get cold dismissal with an offering only of the time of your last feeding as evidence of your lying about hunger and an attempt to manipulate or seek attention. You need a bathroom, nope, you just went. You are sad or afraid (overwhelmed and don’t understand why because you are small and lack the language and understanding of yourself). Look around, everyone is happy. What is wrong with you? Why must you ruin everything? When will you learn? You. ARE. The. Problem. Get different.
Family of origin people and the person I once married would insist I was not abused. Would that also mean that their behaviors and treatment of me were not in fact not abusive? Hmmmm
Emotionally abusive acts and acts of emotional neglect and abandonment are in fact abuse.
