The culmination of sleep deprivation, chronic pain, C- PTSD , sensory overload (when in the presence of most others) can fuck heavily with my resilience and discernment. Sometimes Often my need to unhook entirely from sources of dysregualtion calls for extreme measures, as evidenced by my recent (painful, drastic, and necessary) decision to block communication from said love bomber(SLB). The blocking was not due to a lack or even a loss of love. There was energy between us which was stuck. I had no vision of a specific outcome for the blocking, only a desire to disrupt whatever tf was happening. Fatigue can make me short sighted.
Where our alignment had felt perfect and our connection a fluid and steady source of energy and healing, it had morphed into unmanageable (for me) strain. My attempts to adress and course correct were consistently met with warm and sincere assurances – and then – the strained energy would persist. So, in true pathetic nagger fashion, I would paw at him for more affirmation – and so the cycle would go. Essentially–All words needed to stop.
No Contact was like a circuit breaker. While it was extreme, it resulted in a new point of departure. His outreach in the form of a handwritten card opened a door to healing. Our brief separation was brutal, seemed eternal, and yielded a much needed pivot.
After much genrous sharing and listening by SLB, I was able to apologize for the blocking and to share and realize the following: “Me feeling injured by a thing you did or did not say or do, is not necessarily evidence of wrong doing by you.” The endless mercy and grace between us is mind blowing. Our shared commitment to repair, grow, and find a path forward – without demanding that it look or be a specific way has gifted us another season. SLB is literally the only person I have known, to be inclined or experienced in this way– choosing and even treasuring the collective work of repair after rupture.
The more effort by me to take him off the hook (for the entirety of my pain), the more he seeks to identify any energy or action by him which contributed to the rupture, or as he likes to call it, me ghosting him. He is not attempting to own my pain or to erase it, only to participate in our mutual healing.
Adendum: The list of shallow attributes I documented (after feeling that he lovebombed me) as reasons that he was wrong for me ANYWAY(!), were weak attempts (born out of my humiliation and heartbreak) to paint as a man who I do not desire. I used incomplete and inaccurate language which was also ineffective. It was childish sour grapes bullshit.
