I long desperately (as I do most things) for my boys to desire and believe in the best for each other (in time, I get that ages 13-15 may be difficult phases to put this into practice), for them to know and to choose fidelity and love. To me, Fidelity (and love also) is a principle and practice suggestive of: “I will not knowingly choose or even stand by for things which harm, diminish, invalidate, or pain you.” This may be rookie level understanding of loyalty and love, and perhaps this thing which I am trying to comprehend and articulate is simply the practice of being a good human-non-abusive. Like, I mean to empower and inspire my people rather than overpower and reduce them.… an all new tradition within my son’s blood lines. Witnessing and relating/living in this way, was first introduced to me, in my program of recovery. Principled living! Committing to static principles(a higher power) for guidance and direction, rather than the ever changing moods and whims of myself or others. Whoa!
This is a difficult time of year. My older son’s birthday, the holidays, and I thiiiiink the anniversary of my mother’s physical death. The division between the boys’ father and me did not begin with the betrayals in her final years, but was certainly exacerbated by initiatives of my sister and mother. It is hard not to feel like shit as I recall that and suffer the escalated tension and inability, as co-parents, to make these times the best they could be for our children. Our sons have two grandparents gone and going to their graves with their children not speaking to each other or to them. I am intent on disrupting this cycle. I expose my sons only to those, proven, over time, to be intentionally kind and loyal to those they claim to love. Also, I will continue unlearning all of the old shit and practicing all of the new. So tiring.
I hope to not live to see a day when our adult sons have turned or will easily and righteously turn on one another. Though, It feels nearly guaranteed. Nature and nurture weigh heavily against them.
In the process of writing, I realize it is not loyalty necessarily, that I am trying to get my head around. Because this elusive thing I strive to understand be, model for my children… It is not limited to only loved ones–but to living life as a genuinely good, upright citizen of humanity. Recovery(and Sweet Greg) taught me that I don’t have to like or feel pleased by a person to do right by them. Shouldn’t we each aspire to and be able to expect integrity extending to all people in our lives, where we walk our talk, speak truth and are kind? It seems like this could be considered common sense or common decency, when it is in fact not common at all. I continue with the work to mature spiritually and emotionally, quite late in life. Still, better late than never. Life on earth is v. hard. Jil an Catherine Ghoneim Whitney
