Exploring dating/intimacy/relationships has been instrumental for me learning to know and understand myself. I am currently in “negotiations” for a power differential (the dynamic has a name, well defined rules, and terms) diametrically opposed to what I have known- in which one person feels entitled to literally disassemble another. Here, we will negotiate for a mutally pleasing and beneficial arrangement. Establishing boundaries and trust—the polar opposite of what I was raised to believe and participate in.
In my family and marriage, there was an expectation of my submission to a person by whom I was not asked to nor did I agree to submit—-EVER. There was unwholesome authority without accountability. What remained consistent and undeniable was overt disregard for me; an actual human with needs, fears, feelings, and desires–which mattered. It was merciless and devastating. And Faithless- I had no faith in the people who dedicated themselves to being in charge of (but not responsible for the wellness of) me. There was no limit to how far a person would go to validate or satisfy their need for control and reverence. The only thing being protected was one person’s sense of import and rightness. Right and in charge at all costs! What a horrifying mess. They think I am the mess. When actually– I am proof of the mess.
I have sought and chosen a role of submissive– with rules (and consequences) I understand and agree to– with a man with whom there is a shared trust and desire/need. Our roles will compliment each other. Neither of us mattering more or less.
He will not use his position to degrade or exploit me—in fact the opposite. My pleasure and satisfaction are at the top of his list of things that matter. Consensual power exchange makes sense and feels good….safe, actually. To intentionally agree to submission to something/someone who/which values and satisfies me. This, for me, is healing (like a therapy), progress, and wildly exciting. It IS wholesome and badass, hitting all of the marks. The requirements are consent, communication, consideration, and caution. If only parental and family all relationships required and welcomed this.
My role in family and marriage was pathetic and degrading, soul-crushing and rapey. I had no (sane and informed) voice (which mattered or counted) and so without knowing better ways, I resorted to raging volume, cutting words, and profanity. That never delivered one-good-thing. I am now super excited and awake. I may fuck this up or it may just not work out. And I am ok with that. You wont know if you dont go. Or Fuck Around and Find Out. I am all about Finding Out and then relentlessly detailed sharing of the difficult, the scary, the awkward, and amazing parts of my learning. Jilan Catherine Ghoneim Whitney
