Month after month of:
Serenity + Flow- easy and magical flow- we were convinced this has not been done before, that we invented this way of being together- as we have neither witnessed nor experienced a connection like ours. Fluid Connection- How is it possible for only the most beautiful energy to flow through and around us, completely unrestricted and unbound? None of those familiar feelings of judgment, resentment, irritation, anxiety
Effortless conversation expanding in all directions
Easy and bellyaching laughter- unbeatable eye contact and smiles, inside jokes and language
The only thing dramatic about us – the intensity of the love – our utter disbelief- Ours – a blessed connection, precious but not fragile
Shared experiences as each of our love languages
Expansion
Mutual desire and yearning for each other’s presence, ideas, voice, touch, scent, taste- at each of the sensory levels- we delight in each other
Kindness, genuine and overarching interest in each other
Easy pivots and adjusting – Tenderness – Erotica (a thing we discovered together)
Beautiful kisses, hugs, touches and all forms of physical expression
Thoughtful surprises:
Books, Random Treats, Flowers, Candy, Snacks, Favorite beverages, Candles, Soaps, Spices, Blankets, massages that were wanted (and never creepy and one sided)
Household projects, improvements, repairs, songs, memes, tumblrs, recipes, animals, waterfalls, shows to watch
Motorcycle rides – Sunrises and sunsets – Meal after beautiful meal
Shared visions of and desires for a future of more of what we were already doing
Best friends and more
More more more -Please
All this with a man whom I did not pick. At a time when I was actively seeking only scheduled weekly dates. My picker is broken. And then…I surrendered to a man and a connection, I could not have chosen or even envisioned for myself. I surrendered to him. Showing up all the hours in all of the ways -day after beautiful day. Days, weeks, months flying by with a man whom I actively and with repeated efforts tried to NOT choose.
Recovery introduced me to surrender (acceptance- leaning in) rather than force (instead of my will- thy will be done).
I remain lost and confused about my ability to choose. Because my choosing has consistently rested on beliefs and feelings and perceptions rooted in my brokenness (all the lies and myths, I was raised on, the things I was taught about my own worthiness and lovability and capacity for loving and sustainable connection) and resulted in attachments which flow from that very dark place.
I CHOSE the man I married because the dynamic was familiar(like of the family)- disconnected, volatile, fragile, scary- affirming of all the worst things I believed about myself.
I chose my next LTR because, he was kind and honest…but still missing a type of connection I was dying for. I thought that connection was the price to pay for someone who would not actively harm, betray or take from me. Therapy allowed me to understand, I was allowed to want more and capable of more and worthy of more, that I was not an ungrateful monster for desiring more
