Instead of focusing on the most recent rejection by my mother, I will take one small action to creatively claim my living space. This image appeared in a facebook feed for laceandwhishkey. If you click the image, it will take you there. Right now, our home feels to me, a place where we sleep and keep our stuff. I hope to get busy decorating in a way expressive of who I am; what I find attractive, appealing, and comforting. I am only now discovering those parts of myself as I climb out of feeling emotionally/creatively stifled to the point of paralysis.
This one simple accent will transform the energy of my home. Succulents in little black pots. Neutral color. Low maintenance. Simple shapes- appealing, soothing, and doable for someone like myself. Will I do it? Or is this just another example of hoarding good ideas without executing? Perhaps soon I will stage and photograph of the results of my efforts to create comfort and beauty in our house home.
I have begun the Brene Brown and Harriet Lerner Course on Apologies. The course focus and suggestions are not about being polite – they’re about creating clarity, asking for what we need, and talking about our experiences. My request to my mother to please consider doing the course with me–was met with an unsurprising NO. She is 84, righteous, cold, and 100% consistently rejecting of me, with zero intention to heal with me. This course and my unrequited offer to show up and to TRY- allows me to heal and to, in good conscience, detach from THIS dynamic. Requesting healing is something I will always feel good about, no matter the response. It still, of course, hurts like hell. My boys ask me, why don’t you just stop trying or block her so she can’t hurt you anymore. I am certain that I ineffectively communicated that her not loving me enough to try– is what causes my pain. Do we ever stop longing for a mother who loves and needs to connect with us? Here are three screen shots from the first segment of Brene and Harriet’s course on heartfelt apologies. Heartfelt apologies are for Badasses. Proper recognition of heartfelt apologies and proper acceptance is also badass, and clearly wholesome.
