Just before relocating to this coast, I was graced with one uniquely precious relationship which offered my rebirth into MY world. This man, whom we shall call Pete, was the first person,ever, in my life to authentically invite and encourage my full expansion and to embrace the things that make me, me. Encouraging me-to ask for what I like and say no to what I don’t: food, touching, topics, outings, whatever. Having felt so ill-fitting in my family, I became addicted to this new way of living and relating. In the end, Pete explained that he felt called by me, into the light– that he was not ready for the type of vulnerability and honesty that I crave. Painful irony. I believe he may fully know the immensity of his gift of loving,direct, and honest explanation for “why?” The trajectory of my life was forever changed by my encounter with Sweet Pete. He illuminated for me a dynamic which has vexed me most of my life. See, I am wired/programmed to seek love and affirmation from the most highly disapproving and emotionally remote people. People, whom in the beginning are thrilled by my courage to share and to love so fiercely—and then over time, usually about three months, shift from intrigue to agitation, a call to either reciprocate or slowly, maybe even abruptly back away/disappear. If I could draw a picture of what this person typically does. It would look like this: a family member, or a man with one hand motioning me to come in close and with the other hand/arm fully extended to the halt position….simulfuckeentaneously.
Brené Brown clarifies how this way of being(vulnerability and transparency) will make people uncomfortable, even angry, and secretly they will need to shut it down or for us to fail, as proof that living the other way is correct and better. Avoidance of acknowledging my quest to become me has created and widened the gaps in historical relations. Maybe similar to coming out, in a way—as I imagine for the LGBTQs- where people will claim to tolerate or accept but intentionally avoid looking closely, understanding or engagi
ng, as if by doing so, they might get some ( gayness, or in my case; vulnerability) on them.
So, while my truth seeking mends the fractures within myself and connects me more deeply with Trusted Others, it is dividing me from those who need to deny all that exists behind the curtain. Having been nearly erased by my family, living out loud feels essential for the moment. I am sure in time, I will quiet down.
http://www.goodlifeproject.com/brene-brown-radio/
Wholesome-
I find your posts interesting and discovered you through a keyword search for Brené Brown and Glennon Doyle Melton whom you reference frequently. I cannot tell if you are trying to position yourself as an expert or to out your family for being however it is you perceive them to be, or whatever. Like, where are you going with this? So your mom is “not into you” and your sister is into your ex and they all gather without you, with your children–and that must not feel too good. How would you prefer it?
Maybe you are sharing because you feel like yo have never been heard or understood? Do you really think you will find what you are looking for here—on the net? I wish you peace. It seems that is what you are striving for. Remember, we all define, pursue,experience peace differently, and that is good and well, provided we behave with respect, for even those for whom we do not feel it. As I write this, it occurs to me, that maybe the real get would be self-respect, regardless if anyone ever hears you. Seems like your detachment from them is proof that you might.
All the best
Keep striving!
L. Learner
Hello LifeLearner,
Thank you for stopping by and chiming in. I am an expert only at my own spiritual journey and recovery and rely on the language of these women and the 12 steps to guide me. I write to heal and to see more clearly, to understand my own thinking and behavior and how it lines up with what I value and intend for my life. As for outing my family, there I things I would like to share, that I do not. Things that would cause the house of cards to topple. But that is not my value. I just want to be allowed to leave in peace and raise my children without the tension, conflict, and dishonesty that has defined our experiences together. I have not been allowed to do that. How would I prefer it? I would prefer that stye do the work of healing the madness while my mother is alive. I cannot force that or make them want it. It would need to be mutually desirable. The more I read, and listen to the experts as well as the actions and words, and silence of my genetically linked people, I se how unlikely that is to happen.
Having spent a lifetime of being dismissed, invalidated, judged, shamed, shunned—yeah, I want to say my peace without the rage filled profanity and volume that comes from being deranged with grief of not mattering, not being worthy of consideration and comfort or connection. Writing gives my truth a voice, it doesn’t make it a universal truth, but at least I know i have spoken. Family tradition is to pretend I have not spoken, no acknowledgment. Silent or pageful reprisal are what I get for responses. I have developed my self-respect and self-esteem to the point where I do not tolerate or engage in my own mistreatment anymore. Here is the thing. If it feels like rape, it is. If it feels like mistreatment it is. I no longer submit myself for anything feeling like hostility and non-love. Detachment and NO-Contact are the only alternative to healing from this. I must heal with them or without them. But my healing matters greatly. I must take good care of my boys’ mama.
Always,
Magda(I have decided to re-claim my birth name!)
Magda!
What do you mean re-claimng your name? You weren’t born WholesomeBadass? hahaha I totally get you. It is clear you are working a good program which allows you to recover from the dysfunction you seem to have learned in your childhood home and took into your adult life and marriage. Not everyone will be comfortable with that. It can feel like a call for help or an attack or a claim to be better–when we change and want to be acknowledged by people who need for us to stay the same. People are programmed to resist change,even when it is for the better. Keep sharing and healing and know that just because people don’t applaud or acknowledge or even value it, doesn’t make it wrong. It is true, it will bother people. The relations that are right for you will be strengthened, while the others will be weakened. Letting go of historical relations hurts, that doesn’t mean it is wrong. Many great things are uncomfortable, even painful. I emailed you at your wba address but did not hear back, so I am commenting here instead. Your journey helps me. Keep writing—for you!
Jenn