My mother is in the hospital today having cancerous masses removed. My sister whom I have not spoken to since May emailed the information to 
me. I responded with a “Thanks for the update” and signed with the little red heart emoji and an “m”. My gut response was to be cold but polite…but then I remembered, that is not who I am. I am vulnerable and want something better in my mother’s lifetime for all of us. I am not closed off, shut down or absent. Just very clear about what hurts too much to engage in. Vulnerability kicks ass. They lack a desire to heal with me and yet I show up again and again. “I am here, to heal with you, if you ever choose to do so.” Vulnerability is where I live, anything else feels like death. I am grateful for enough recovery to have congruity and consistency in all of my communication. I expect nothing different from them. At the end of the day, I sleep easier, knowing I offered, ad nauseum, to create something better and less destructive for us all.
As I see it, there are two sane choices–Repair or Release. Repair is my first choice. But so long as they opt for the hurtful workaround of seeing my sons, via collaboration and commune with my ex-husband, release may be our only option. Family recovery matters to me more than my mother’s recovery from cancer. I, of course, prefer both. But if I had to choose, I would take a few connected months of loving each other, over years more of NOT–I mean love, the verb.
