One of the things I have paid most dearly for in my FOO and marriage was speaking my truth/ saying NO. I became accustomed to screaming, begging, swearing, hysterical threatening…anything to make my NO legit, heard, to make it stick. These dynamics were sustained for only as long as I would fight or surrender to their will. Once I began to calmly and definitively say “No, that won’t work for me.” without threat,volume, profanity or explanation, those entanglements died. The name calling and belittling were no longer effective in getting me to buckle in shame or fear of banishment. When questioning disrespectful responses to my fair, though unpopular boundaries, I was told I earned it by saying the same thing over and over. Oh. Ok. Same question, same answer. No? I really believed for so long, that if I said it in just the right way with the right voice at the right time, that it would count, that I might count.
My unemotional NO- is intolerable- and heard loud and clear, not respected or honored-but leaves no doubt-only silence and passive aggressive retaliation. I no longer do and accept terms that fail to consider my children and/or me. I no longer participate in my own abuse and neglect. I no longer hang around those who feel entitled to take as they like, at all costs. I do experience anxiety before delivering my new faith and courage-backed NO, and then…. relief & self esteem, once I have. BUT, for the Grace of God, Dare I.
Having nearly mastered “The Art of No”, if I could get to a place of saying yes, yes to things that would elevate the quality of my life, that would be a real miracle.
No, that dinner time is too late for us. No, I will not miss concert planned for three months for your last minute “invite”. No, I do not think ignoring my emails is kind or ok. No, publicly calling me names and excluding me won’t frighten me into coming around. No, connecting directly with my ex-husband to gain access to my children in order to circumvent healing and amends does not work for me. No, telling me that I earned or imagined my abuse is not true. No, I will not be bullied into doing things your way. No, blessing an email that annihilated me does not seem like the act of a kind or safe person. No, being around you without amends does not seem prudent. No, aligning with my ex is not acceptable. No, I wont pretend it didn’t happen. No, most sisters and NORMAL healthy families would not resort to this. No, ignoring my begging you to stop doesn’t feel like people capable of love. No, creating conflict for my children is not acceptable. No, wrecking our nuclear family is not what a kind person does. No, what you did to me as a child is not ok, and probably does not make you gay, and you don’t need to destroy me for fear I might share.
NO CONTACT is the only sane alternative. And as my mother responded to me when I asked to work it out: “I wish you well”.
Simple translation to all of my No’s: “Please stop hurting my family, my children. Please let us be.” Being married to a man, and a judge does not undo the truth of what you do, which speaks to who you are, the nature of your soul. Love and kindness are not selective. Home wrecking is nasty, just like the other things you did. Happy Birthday to my sister. I wished I could drop all my anger over your words and actions and celebrate with you…just let it go and pretend. if I could pretend, I would have never moved cross country to be free of you. If I could pretend, I would still be married. If I could and would pretend, you would have gotten your way and this would not be happening. So maybe the real problem is my refusal to obey and pretend. I will never try harder to do those things. No.
And yes I am angry. In this family identifying someone as angry immediately costs them credibility and invites open fire. Of course I am angry. I own that what is going on is damaging and unfair to my children and I am furious. Who wouldn’t be. I am sad and angry and resent being erased and ganged up on by my ex and my family. If I had less recovery, I would march right into her office and tell her in no uncertain terms what would torture her to hear about herself. Count your blessings I leave your children out of this. I will never reduce myself to doing that because then you would have just a little something legit to work with, not just a raging frustration to gain compliance from me. My side of the street is so effing clean. No behaviors or words of mine aimed at anything except getting peace and space from you and your antics. “Amen”(as she likes to say) Afuckenmen!
Having feelings and healing from trauma is messy as shit, and totally badass. Going to tell my sister off would not be. In fact, it would ease her burden just a little. So technically, it is just a heightened form of withholding on my part….could be a touch more wholesome. For the record, I repeat, Wholesome Badass is what I work towards…not a claim to anything more.
Wow, that is a boatload to let go of OR to hang on to. Best wishes, either way. Yes to No. None of it sounds ok or kind, or painless. Letting go wouldn’t mean accepting it as acceptable, just not letting it consume you or take you down. In family’s with narcissism and triangulation, often the take down is what is desired and needed to justify YOUR brokenness, maybe even insanity, the best distraction from their own bad behavior. Not saying you look crazy, just be careful. They will look for cracks in your “turtle shell” and ways to overturn your reality or healing or rights.
Just curious, why post your sister’s full name? Like aside from just wanting to be out in the light and non-alone with it. You cannot force her into the light. From your accounts, she seems quite crafty and it is a miracle almost, that she lost it and openly in writing said unfortunate things. People like this usually leave little if any evidence of their anger or ill will. I wish you light and healing. If sharing brings that Share On. List all the assholes by full name if it relieves you even a little, just be mindful of how you do it. “Nahm saaaaayin?” Learned that from you…love it!
WF
W(T)F-
Thank you for hearing me, for making me feel heard. I feel erased by the weird Amish shunning practices of my family. The constant telling me that I both imagine and earn the pain they deny causing. It is not real and it is earned. I do feel insane and so effing depressed and tired of telling my little guys, “Mommy is too sad or Mom has depression from what is happening”. The fact that they know this(I have tried and begged and cried please let this stop) and it is not reason to stop is so disturbing to me…to have my young sons to exposed to what feels like pure evil. Ugh! It won’t always be this way but when people you cant get away from continue to do hurtful things, it hurts and I don’t have the “thing” yet that allows me to remain unaffected, for as long as my children are involved. I ran TF away from this maddening and saddening dynamic to the other coast for more than half my life. Being back near them sucks. Having strengthened their cause by supplying my ex has been a true ass-kicker of an experience. Like, I knew they were ruthless and will say and do whatever it takes to get their way…but this breaks all codes and rules across the board, so I am a lil surprised. All I ever asked to do was to heal together so we could be together. The standard response is there is nothing to heal from, but your own brokenness. Followed by turning that into me withholding my children from their Grandmother. Right, I moved cross country and gave up all security to withhold them. I loved having my boys not even know their existence. I forfeited that like a fool. Anyway, why mention my sister’s full name. I guess because her whole house of cards scheme is offensive to me and she places so much value on appearing pristine and friendly and wholesome…but she is not. I guess to have one person read what she has in fact said and done, to see what a honey badger she is, makes me happy. She thinks she is like a gazelle, but she is a honey badger. I don’t like being one of only a few to see this side of her. Plus I would love to bond with anyone else who has suffered at her crafty hands-work. I watched her gossip at the Thanksgiving event, with each person about another person in our family and knew in an instant that my awareness of this and refusal to indulge would cause some strife. Check out the video on honey badgers. it is one of my faves. Thanks again for stopping by. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg
M-
I am worried about you. You have a lot of pain. I encourage you to keep processing the hellish dynamic of your family. I have to get my uglies out but I try not to do it in public. Instead with trusted others. I need to work through my pain and then present my best self to the larger world because not everyone deserves to know my pain. Not everyone will take good care of my heart and pain. So I worry that you are doing it in public. People that don’t understand see you as hateful revengeful weak, doing character assassination on your sister……..
You become guilty of exactly what you charge her with. Especially since you don’t paint any redeeming aspects of her at all. Unbalanced. Waste of time trying to punish her.
Thank you so much for being here for speaking openly and honestly with me. For not judging me. For today, I do not see it that way. I am not seeking to divide her from her family. That is her crime, in my eyes
So, I may be guilty of retalliating and saying what has happened to me and how I feel about it…in ways that are deliberately intended to cause her discomfort if not shame. I am not sending it to her people or hosting an event with her people. I don’t think I am doing what she does so much as sharing my pain. Not being erased and maybe just maybe some leverage…all that matters to her is her appearance. The idea that someone say the unsayable about her is all I have for today. I am not defedning or dismissing. And at the end of my hateful posts, I own exactly how ugly it is…not pretending to be WBA or better than…just hurt.
I definitely did not do any rising above with this post. But, it is what it is. I am showing my anger which my closest non IG friends insist is giving THEM what they want. Hooray for them if that is true. For today, I needed to be in the ring being assholey with them. Just for today. Thank you for chiming in. For making me feel unerased and un-awful.Maybe tomorrow I will be and do less like them, the part of them that hurt me. I totally understand the high they get from this behavior. The adrenaline and the buzz of this is intense, so maybe I can understand them a little more and need to be more intentional about being different. Thank you for letting me to look from another direction.
Good gawd. Really? “Not everyone deserves to know my pain. Not everyone will take good care of my heart and pain.” Fair enough. However, there is more than a whiff of Eau de Disingenuous and the unmistakable stench of rebuke in your rather saintly self-assessment a la, “Do it MY away.” Telling someone else how to
process their experience is de facto telling them how to sanitize their experience of being human, homogenize their humanity to suit your sensibilities. You have a “Delete” on your keyboard: Use it.
Abuse thrives in silence as do abusers. In fact, they depend on your silence as a necessary component to collusion in your own abuse.
The First Law of abusive family systems is Thou Shalt Not Talk.
If someone finds this post offensive I suggest they google Delores Aguilar- Obituary. If “ffaammmiiilllyy” wish to be remembered well, they should have behaved in such a way that throughout their lives to foster positive memories.
I love you—even more then yesterday. Speak–Amen! Write some posts for me?? Where do you get your wisdom and voice? Thank you so much for sharing. Silence is essential to the survival of the abusive system. This is too difficult for most to accept. Too many popped have a very narrow definition of abuse, must be physical and observable, same with addiction and mental illness. People refuse to acknowledge the reality that we possess physical and mental health which is compromised by certain and specific conditions. And abuse because of ignorance is still abuse. Raising consciousness about how to take good care of our children and others, to respect their souls and sports and allow, if not help them to thrive in all ways.
Good Lawdy, please help us all!
xoxox
Magda Gee