Shit shit shit…I just got third party information that my mother has been taken to the hospital. My mother has made her decision and choices clear. So, I suppose I will wait and see what her family sees fit to share with or ask of me. I never did get the playbook on how to manage this sort of thing. But I did find these brilliant words of wisdom and comfort over at ScaryMommy: “But there is only so much abuse a person can take before they say “enough.” For me, the birth of my son was also the birth of my backbone. It was the birth of me saying “enough is enough.” Once I became firm in my decision, I started hearing people say, “But what if something happens to her, how will you feel?”
That is the million-dollar question when you end a relationship in anger. What happens if they die? Can you live with yourself? My answer to that question is yes. Yes, you can.
As you can imagine, I have been dealing with a lot of emotions in relation to her death. When a parent dies, it is earth-shattering. Just completely devastating. You are forever changed. Yet, the truth is, I mourned my mother many years ago. After years of therapy and being open about this with my friends (and non-friends who ask), I can tell you that I felt, and still feel, a million emotions in regards to the death of my mother.
Not a single one is regret.
I chose to end an abusive, toxic relationship. I chose to allow people who loved and supported me to be in my life, and those who hurt me and betrayed me, those who took advantage of me and used me as a punching bag to be let out of my life. It was liberating.
But it is also devastating. I am so sad that I didn’t talk to my mom on the phone the night before she died. I am heartbroken that she never knew my amazing boys. At 1 and 5 years old, they are the most amazing creatures I have ever been privileged to know. Mourning the absence of the mother I needed, the one I knew she wished she could have been, and the one I lost has been the hardest and most emotionally taxing thing I have ever done.
As I sit here and think about the fact that my mother and I will never reconcile, I’m okay. She was never the mother I needed. She couldn’t be. But maybe she is also finally free. Free from the demons she faced in this world. Wherever she is, I hope she is no longer hurting. Having my children has been so healing because I truly understand a mother’s love. I never knew it growing up, but loving my boys as fiercely and intensely as I do? That has been more healing than I could have ever imagined.
It is so hard to be hurt by someone who should love you. But we cannot stand idly by and allow these relationships to continue. We have to set boundaries and end contact if needed. Because sometimes the only person you can save is you. So save yourself. You are worth it.
And who knows, maybe it is just a broken arm? Either way, the collective need for my inclusion with this bunch was outlined clearly and repeatedly. There really is nothing I can do but wait. And pray.
