I cannot help but marvel at how “they” manufacture chaos and trouble so they can dole out punishment, while denying their anger. A part of my mind says don’t speak or write about it, they will like that—making them feel all important and impactful. The other part of me says “fuck them, I want the world to know what twisted assholes they can be”. And the recovery part of me says “Write about it if it helps you to sift and heal. Share it to help others on a similar journey”. I must be intentional about why I do, say, and write as I do. My need to heal is not about them. Though, my healing and recovery from “the dynamic” is undeniably bound to my experience of them. My grieving process requires deep reflection and sharing of MY journey.
Next weekend is my niece’s birthday. Unsurprisingly this family culture requires the practice of shun or be shunned….while at the same time insisting nothing is wrong ( but my rejection of abuse, cuz “She is alwaaaays welcome to join–she has opted out of abuse) while knowingly behaving in ways that oppress my children and me. Apparently my sister is planning a gathering with my ex and my sons. My boys say it is awkward and icky to be there because they feel they cannot comfortably mention or discuss anything that involves me…and then– forced hugs and close sitting(so gross, dirty, typical). A key requirement of this family is to pretend and disassociate. I guess my crime is my inability and unwillingness to try anymore– at that. Oh and there is always, my basic lack of compliance and request for direct communication that are apparently offensive.
My sister is especially charmed by and fond of my ex husband, a relationship born after our hostile divorce. She began initiating gatherings with him and my children without me or my knowing, nearly 2 years ago. This scheme has placed great strain on our co-parenting, which ultimately burdens our children. I 100% understand why he is open to her initiatives and feel compassion for him. He has exactly zero other people, in this town, inviting him to anything… and there will always be residual anger between us which fuels the sick trauma bond between him and the female sibling–Oh the similar hardships they have endured in having to deal with me. The good news is, that through this overtly unwholesome behavior, decades of deep soul knowing that they don’t mind harming me, is affirmed. I did not imagine or cause their behavior or thinking. These are people who have always done as they have wanted and punished anyone perceived as being in their way. Catherine Whitney does not mind harming my boys or their mother others to get a fix of whatever it is, by triangulating with a man whom she knows to have done unspeakably vile things to me (probably comforting to her–she is not alone in this way–only, I, at some level, consented to it with him) and whom I get to co-parent with– forcing me to pretend some things aren’t happening, wrong, and knowingly harmful—- or I pay the higher price. For my kids, I do my best to pretend…only for them. But I suck at pretending and they ultimately foot the bill.
Happy Birthday, Annie. I believe you know at a deep gut level how fucked up this is and must do what is best for you in your precious life. I am sorry you, your sister, and my children were unnecessarily forced into the mess. I object. I ache.
There is something very wrong. My sister playing with my ex matters zero percent. The involvement of our children turns my stomach. Who does this?
Rambling, run on sentences and for subject verb agreement. Rehashing…Ugh. I am a work in progress. One day at a time, they too shall pass. hahahhaa
