Not until my older son was diagnosed at 18 months with sensory integration disorder(SPD), did I learn why I had been uncomfortable, tense, overly-stressed my entire life, particularly for family occasions where food smells and volume alone, felt cruel. The word overwhelming does not begin to describe those experiences. I came to believe I was the “pain in the ass” I was reported to be, unworthy of comfort and connection. I learned to hate who I was-at a cellular level, my existence was all wrong. I was angry and as my family likes to remind me, very difficult. Who wouldn’t have been difficult in the circumstances? Totally owning that!!!
Not knowing how to seek shelter from sensory stimulus had a devastating impact; In my family, those unwilling unable to mask signs of stress and discomfort are not be tolerated or indulged. I believe much of the wreckage of my life has its origins here, leading my fruitless pursuit for connection with emotionally remote others.
My sensitivity, was treated as a defect, an unreasonable preference. God Bless sweet Greg- knowing and choosing to love me as I am. When I feel overstimulated or peopled out, he offers comfort and space without threat of disappearing, emotionally or physically.
Raising my SPD son to be mindful of his unique wiring, to seek serenity in times of overwhelm, taught me to acknowledge and respect my own needs. Self care for SPDs: High protein diet, avoiding dairy and gluten, enough sleep & quiet time, and regular sustained physical activity. I am more effective at promoting this for him than for myself. Part of my practice of self-love is seeking serenity without defense or apology. This is upsetting to some. Fortunately, it is not my job to please others. Nor is it the job of my children.
Nine years of intentional learning and nurturing my boy has taught me about healthy boundaries. Inexperienced with love(the promise-not the feeling), I did not recognize what love is not. Love is kind, not punitive or withholding. Love is curious to understand and to nurture. My children, Greg, and each of my Trusted Others teach me, one day at a time, that it is not wrong to be uncomfortable and it is highly acceptable to minimize contact with those who disregard my limits.
Owning my discomfort and openly and honestly communicating boundaries is for BadAsses. It is too much for those who believe that feeling pain and stress is for weaklings and losers. For them, it is necessary to assume a position of being impervious or indifferent- as proof of strength and resilience.
I love who I am in my relationships with Trusted Others in which we expand-unrequired to contract/pretend. I am grateful for the freedom to feel what I feel and never pretend to feel what I do not. Pretending is a soul-killer.
Ohhh-I suspect it is easier to frame a person as unlovable, rather than face the possibility of being incapable of or failing at love. Our behaviors speak to the truth of who we are. I like what my behavior says of me. I dont love that I cant change the circumstances.
I too have an SPD son and I guard his serenity as if my life depends on it because watching him self-combust is heart breaking. Anyone who judges that has issues and work to do in the area of compassion and sympathy. Judging is much easier and requires less of us. We are all guilty of that at times. But with small children, there is no excuse. Judging and alienating children, shapes their ideas of who they are for the rest of their lives. It is necessary model and practice serenity seeking and judger avoiding.
Control freaks will be upset by boundaries. Two possible outcomes to be expected from them–pretending through clenched teeth to accept or overt resentment and retaliation. I have a narcissist ex and mother who feel entitled to override boundaries. My experience with them- as they judge me as over parenting and joining for events or meals that will be challenging. Thank you for posting this and sharing your experience. Too many people are uninformed, and then there are those who just cannot be bothered to do anything different from their own way of doing things.
Love IS kind. Not every single moment, because people do get tired and sometimes they don’t know what to do. Here I am speaking for myself, and in long retrospect for my parents and older brother, who turned out to be nuts himself, so I don’t have to count anything he has done against him.
But the feeling of being unloved is probably almost entirely due to the deliberate unkindness of the FOO. Why do they do it? We are hardwired as human beings – as animals! – to shun the “other”, the stranger, the stranger in our midst above all. S/He could be dangerous, at the very least, or maybe it’s the very worst, they could be carrying the seed of change in US. I, precious I, might have to change if I treat this person as acceptable, with all her demands that I change. If I treat her as worthy of my attention, much less acceptance, much, much less kindness.
Love is kind. Not-love is not-kind, is unkind, wants to escape from me, you, everyone who is not-like them. True love is very rare, and I don’t mean just good marriages, which take the possibilities for love OR hate to the nth degree. I dunno, they say unloving people can turn it around if they want to, and I did that with my mother. It makes life nicer and adds to the presence of love in the world. It is part of keeping your own side of the street clean. The way is narrow and hard and it gets you no points in this world.
There is no one in this world now that I really do not love. Yesterday was the 7th anniversary of the death of one of my greatest loves, my younger son. His best friend remembered, and wrote to me. That was kindness. That was love. That was acceptance.
This is wandering all over the place. I am dancing around, looking at loving and kindness and their opposites and the proper way to respond to them all. Yes, have strong boundaries, but, Wholesome BadAss, keep moving the stakes a little farther out. Include a little more territory. First, take care of yourself and your son(s). When all is well, all is serene, or at least you know what serenity IS and so do your children, go move one of those stakes out, let one more person in, and educate her. A little. If possible. If not, kindly replace the stake where it was and see that she stays outside.
Hah Hah! Hah hah! You are in charge of it. You are the ONLY one in charge of your life. ———— God, how brave I sound.
I will tell you about that some day, if we get the chance!