It really makes no difference why a person is consistently kind and honest or why they are not. It may be time to stop needing to know why. We all deserve kindness and honesty. Some people are more capable but no person is more OR less worthy than another.
I have felt silenced by my personal declaration to no longer write/post/share about my experience with grief over actions which knowingly harm my little family. I realize –it is not that I must stop examining and healing and posting–but that I would benefit from looking from a different angle. I let go (the letting go is constant- a million times a day) of a need to prove or understand. My only task is to heal and learn my lessons so I can move on. This miiiiight be achieved, not by looking away but by looking at it differently and communicating with a different intention. My focus has shifted from: why do they behave that way– to: why did I participate and react as I did? What did those experiences teach me about myself that was not true? How had it destroyed distorted my perception of love, family, connection, and trust, and especially self worth. I am now choosing to understand my part-then and now–the things I can change and the things I can learn from.
Yesterday, I casually mentioned having knowingly married a man who hated me. When asked why, laughing I said–“Probably when you are raised by a mother and older sister who treat and talk about you, as if you are bad, unworthy, and unwelcome as you are– it makes sense to marry someone who loves you similarly– which to me, now looks and feels a lot like hate–or at best–very sick love.” When we know better we do better.AND –Hurt people hurt people. I am so grateful to be unlearning and detaching from that brand of love. I am discovering and practicing wholesome love and I never stop trying. Wholesome Badass—my daily intent and goal– a process–neither an event nor status.
Ruthie Lindsay recently shared something which is helping me to clarify and refine my perspective and process. “I believe that all truth is loving, inclusive, and expansive.” Much better than my old truth/myth: the people in charge decide on and control the truth. Ruthie also says:” I’m constantly in a state of unlearning and coming back to the truth, that we are so good, worthy, valuable, needed, loved, whole, and beautiful.” It is a challenge when you were raised amidst people who would disagree with this truth for all people–wanting good things for themselves and their people, but not for all people—as if their is a scarcity of love and goodness. I suppose for some, that their own lacking would make it seem so.
