So- In my desire and pursuit to be merciful, I foolishly agreed to a highly undesirable arrangement for myself. I did so, in an effort to be of service to my boys’ father. On each of the days in the two weeks which I provided my support, he consistently took more than what was offered with neither apology nor gratitude. Once again, I had confused being merciful and useful with allowing myself to be used and manipulated. In my stomach, I felt knots of tension, anxiety, a feeling of being trapped in an unwholesome circumstance/dynamic. I discussed the issue with friends and in meetings. I prayed and journaled, seeking clarity on how to do “the next right thing”.
And then on Christmas Day, he generously provided the gift of clarity. He, while benefitting from my support and inconveniencing me– elected to do something knowingly harmful to US. And (drumroll please) here is my recovery: I resisted the delicious urge tell him about himself –even a little. I communicated the following – something I had previously felt afraid to say. I texted:
“Merry Christmas. Just wanted to give you a heads up. I can no longer keep the boys in the mornings and afternoons on your weeks. I am willing to help for a week or two more, while you find other arrangements.”
Things that continue to be Hard AF: Holidays, Recovery, Boundaries, Co-parenting with active and untreated addiction. Trying not to obsess, also feels nearly impossible.
12 Concepts pps 39-40
Conviction and Compromise
“One qualification for useful life is give-and-take, the ability to compromise cheerfully. Compromise comes hard to us all or nothing types. Never the less, we must never lose sight of the fact the progress is nearly always characterized by series improving compromises. Of course we cannot always compromise. There are circumstances in which it is necessary to stick flat-footed to one’s convictions until the issue is resolved. Deciding when to compromise and when not to compromise always calls for the most careful discrimination.“
