“Mom, have you ever felt suicidal?”, asked my son. I admitted: “Yeh, but mostly only on special occasions when I was tethered to people who shunned and criticized me literally for who I was and how I felt. That began when I was very small and continued into adulthood.” I explained how those times were not only lonely but also felt humiliating–seemingly defining. I envisioned all of the good people enjoying being connected and included, celebrating with people, foods, and gifts which reflected some regard for them. The contrast made me want to not be here anymore. The pain of not being valued and welcomed by those closest to me, defies articulation.
I am doing the work & paying the price for freedom from unloving people, arrangements, beliefs, and practices which tolerate that.
NOTHING can make what happened, ok– and– my healing is the best I can do for myself and for those who value and count on me.
I have felt sure of so many things about love (and other stuff too) which have been incorrect or untrue- either because I misunderstood or because I was only partially or ill informed. One thing is for sure: As I know better, I do better. I had learned a lot of unhealthy attitudes and behaviors.
My favorite Number 1 Key Unlearning : It was never (and still is not) my job to be easy, pleasing, impressive, or interesting (to my parents or anyone, really). And equally, it is not my children’s job to please, be interesting, or impressive to me (or others). The right people will be interested and pleased when we live lives reflective of exactly who TF we genuinely are.
My job, as Mother, is to teach my children how to be fulfilled and kind humans. This is challenging (particularly during the holiday season) as I am also learning these things for myself. None of this is to say that I don’t GAF what others think or feel, only that being fulfilled and kind matters more to me than being impressive, pleasing, or interesting in some sort of performative way.
Pretending to be, feel, or want as I do not is 100% the opposite of being fulfilled and leaves me too resentful to practice kindness. We are breaking these cycles. One Day At a Time.
