When people show us who they are, we should believe them. For one week I have observed with detachment the Ex “being” friendly. Uh oh. This is not comforting. Cue the Jaws music. When he is cold and critical, I remain detached. Then, I let down my guard for the friendliness. Beware the Broken Clock!! I am keenly aware of the difference between FRIENDLY v. KIND. I recognize that he is preparing to request a favor or is mid- random good mood which will come to a jarring end, punctuated by a nasty comment and/or betrayal. Friendliness in the case of my FOO and ex, is often a strategic performance. Kindness just IS.
Today, my EX-H requested help with our boys during their next week with him. I help when possible, but not without resentment for how freely he asks of me. I cannot name a time he has done for me as an individual, just to be of service. He is quick to share the ways in which I earn his withholding of his duties as a co-parent along with details of my unworthiness of kindness or support. I am supportive because it is the kind of person I choose to be. I do not expect anything in return…but I do grow tired of the extractions; the joy of helping is diminished by the expectation and entitlement.
In an emergency, I can count on him, provided it benefits our boys. Anything serving me as an individual, is consistently denied, if not undermined. Ignoring my requests for logistical information, helpful for effective planning, he requires immediate and affirmative responses to random questions and personal favors.
I will help him– and he will believe that is his due – entitlement to my support, not considering that I help, because that is what I choose to do, regardless of how I feeeeeel. I will pray for help to release my resentment. Being kind and helpful is Badass.
My behavior is about me and yours about you. Why is this not a universally accepted fact? Until then, “YOU ARE WELCOME-Fucker“
Gratitude, I learned in recovery, pays it forward, not pay back, yo!
So, let’s pay it forward!
So True, reminds me of a quote something like “We can never get more than we are willing to settle for”. Doesn’t make it easy to cut ties with historical relations that are unhealthy and less functional once we enter into recovery. It can be lonely. Thank you for sharing this.
I also struggle with my faith, healing, and courage. 35 years of living without, these are new practices.
O
Today, I received a text- not requesting help or a favor but TELLING me what HE needs, with a lot of story all around it. YOUR needs are not my business. If you want a favor, own it. Ask for it with some humility.
Wait, it gets better, then he notifies me of an appt he scheduled for me, on my week. Making assignments for my time and money are inappropriate. If we were a team and mutual support and collaboration are our standard, maybe–but this is unilateral nonsense.
Ugh… King Baby. I will write next post on King Baby Syndrome. It explains everything….doesn’t excuse it, but helps to make sense of it. He makes secret contracts in which he does things of his own free will including expenditures without discussion and than extracts what he thinks it takes to make it “fair”.
Do you know anyone like this?