Love is kind-right?
Not until my older son was diagnosed at 18 months with sensory integration disorder(SPD), did I learn why I had been uncomfortable, tense, overly-stressed my entire life, particularly for family occasions where food smells and volume alone, felt cruel. The word overwhelming does not begin to describe those experiences. I came to believe I was the “pain in the ass” I was reported to be, unworthy of comfort and connection. I learned to hate who I was-at a cellular level, my existence was all wrong. I was angry and as my family likes to remind me, very difficult. Who wouldn’t have been difficult in the circumstances? Totally owning that!!!
Not knowing how to seek shelter from sensory stimulus had a devastating impact; In my family, those unwilling unable to mask signs of stress and discomfort are not be tolerated or indulged. I believe much of the wreckage of my life has its origins here, leading my fruitless pursuit for connection with emotionally remote others. (more…)
Needy as shit this week, I have been relentless- calling Sweet Greg or peppering him with texts with a word or reference to something hysterically funny, to only the two of us. While it is for amusement, I do this for assurance…subtextually asking,”were you really there? did this really happen? are we connected?” Consistently, he blows my mind with quick and clever responses, both fun and affirming. Our best laughs are almost always those in which we are laughing directly AT our selves, not at each other…or at someone else, but only because we are relating—in that humbled insider kind of way.
This position is uncomfortable and I prefer the other view. Deep Breath. I will get myself up- do the next right thing. Dogs to groomer, serve my boss, be present for the joy of preparing for my older son’s birthday party. It would be much easier to lay here indulging fantasy and regret. If I spend one minute thinking of those who might enjoy smugly eluding to their sympathy for me with each other, that is a minute wasted. Today, I am free to focus on love and kindness. I am free to be of service to someone in need. I am free to feel and share and heal my pain. I am free to be angry and to work through it, without denying it or trying to offload it onto anyone. I am free to resume this position at any time. Oh, goody. 
A lovely couple, from two doors down, welcomed us to the community with a platter of warm, loving cookies-and have remained consistently kind-hearted, available, and interested. To me, this is both humbling and remarkable. People often present as “friendly” for the sake of the optical but are often simultaneously disinterested and unkind.
