Shame on Who(or whom)?

You know, as I reflect back on my first 30 years, I no longer feel overtaken by shame.  Shame for immense & unspeakable pain and my inability to manage myself with it and to get a hold of it, to address it, end or resolve it, or at the very least hide it.  I do not feel shame for any of that.  I feel tremendous sadness for the little girl and young woman who felt disconnected, unworthy and alone from her earliest moments.  I am sorry to the people who were harmed by her inability to see the world and herself differently from how she was raised to see.  We are taught by the adults in our lives, how to perceive & define the world and ourselves. …  I failed to identify ways to engage a peaceful,secure, and trusting existence.  Panic and shame were my constant companions.  That is tragic for me, not shameful.  Even the shitty coping that lasted into my 30s—Black-out drinking, drugs, food, men, shopping, sleeping—looking back, I feel only grief and compassion.  When I knew better, I did better.

Shame comes when I have used a damaging word or behavior, before amends can be made.  I can honestly say that in my last 15 years, I have done nothing for which I feel continued shame. I am divorced, estranged from my family, and at times am harsh, angry, uncooperative, and sharp tongued.  So, and?  I repeatedly fail to please some and that is A-Okay. I will say this forever:  “My job is not to please others.”  Other people’s approval does not dictate my worthiness of love or dignity.

Or at the very least don’t try to convince me that the darkness is imagined or caused by me. Kay?

My mother choosing my sister over me hurts like hell, but why would I feel shame for another person’s choice? I do not.  Today, separate and away from them, I live a life with faith, direction, connection, and intention.  I change the things I can, accept the things I must, and walk TF away from that and those which diminish me. I work hard, take good care of my children, am a (sometimes great) partner to sweet Greg while living my truth with integrity. My words and actions now line up—always— no matter with whom I am speaking and who may hear or see.  Transparency.  Alignment of my words, values, and actions.  These things build in me, the opposite of shame; self worth and self esteem.  One day at a time, I am unlearning #allofthestuff !

What I now know beyond certainty, is that I might die from shame if it were I who had behaved, spoken, and written as my sister has done. The damage she unleashed is as horrifying as undeniable.  Her involvement of our children and my ex is a disaster.  And- she is a woman of nearly 60.  I was assholing deep into my 30s.  Then, I became a mom, found a program to reparent myself:  learning to take my own inventory (and not other people’s-uh oh).  Oh well, I am recovering not recoverED and I do possibly enjoy taking her juicy inventory….but seriously. Thank gawd that I understand her mess is not mine.

scapegoat image and quoteFor now, my most unfortunate behavior is old, dusty, and amended where possible.  I am a work in progress.  Without recovery, I would be owning all of the shame for these circumstances and conditions–I would be telling myself that I have either caused or imagined and definitely deserve the pain and shame of another person’s choices.  That is one of the greatest lies and myths of the dis-eased family.  The scapegoat– the key symptom of a family with issues.  Even being scapegoated doesn’t shame me, it illuminates how some people and places are safer for me/us than others.

Get Over It—Umm Okaaay

People with narcissistic personalities and behaviors often confuse holding a healthy boundary for holding a grudge. 

It is prudent,healthy, and fair to openly communicate an unavailability for more of the same diminishing behaviors. ?It is too painful.  ALSO-It is unwholesome and unkind to attempt shaming and manipulating victims with sentiments like #getoverit —And believe you,me…I am over IT.  Completely.  Over feeling like shit because of the divisive things which which I am expected to tolerate.  OR–Does “Get over it” actually mean “ You deserve it.  Now, get back here for some more.”? The sane and healthy response to that is #no This will typically be met with a statement about MY oversensitivity or a refusal to let go, dwelling on the past.  And– that is an unwholesome tactic.  It is not possible to judge or shame a mentally healthy and whole person into coming around for disrespect and dis-ease.  Letting go of toxic dynamics is good for everyone, but frustrating for those who experience a greater need to feel in charge, than connected.  #letthatshitgo   I can never have more than I am willing to settle for.  By removing what isn’t working, I make room for what can work and possibly develop into a mutually respectful connection.  Sick relationships die a natural death in the light of recovery.  I remain 100% available for mending and healing the fractures.  And there will always be something better to do than suffer unnecessarily.  Pain is a part of life, but suffering is optional.  So…why white knuckle meals at tables with people who feel fine about harming you?  It is a painful but easy choice.

On a similarish note:   Holiday(really #allofthedays) Rule number 1: #gowheretheloveis  I have some Breaking News:

Healthy boundaries are not grudges, they are gates that allow us to comfortably enjoy our own gardens.

✨We enjoyed a lil deviation from isolating and introverting and had a beautiful peopley day.  Playdate with a new friend.  Easter Egg dying, bike-riding, and nerfing with Sweet Greg and his son.  Passover with my bestie who is 100% family to us.  To witness my boys freely initiating each of member of the #framily, even her parents for Hello and Good-bye hugs is breath-taking. ❤They recognize what wholesome safe love is.  My children know??✨And that means —they also know what it is not healthy safe love. ⚠Today, my sons celebrate their first ?Easter, aware that the Easter Bunny ?may sometimes take human form.  And they fully understand —you must believe if you want to receive.  And believe, they do.  Holidays and celebrations are challenging for me,as these occasions are emotional reminders of the sort of hope, faith, and joy which I did not know, as a child.  #odaat I am doing holidays differently. ?We are spending time with only those whom, we feel safe,included, and connected, exactly as we are.  Happy Easter!  Happy Passover!  We will enjoy Framily Easter lunch today.  ENJOY—-not just attend. ?This holiday has been a #blessed one, unafraid and unashamed, my sons and I gratefully and with glad hearts join those with whom we experience meaningful connection. (aka: in which it is not standard or acceptable to knowingly harm or diminish each other)  I love my #FRAMILY  ♥

DGAF–I Totally Give

This reminded me of Christmas Dinner 3 years ago while angsting over my contribution of a salad for the evening meal; worried that the dressing was not turning out. My niece said to me, in a genuinely curious and unthreatening way; “Since when do you care what people think?” This confirmed my sense of my sister’s front-loading her daughters with her story of who I am. So… it was a fair question. I laughed and said nothing because my response would have been too lecture like. What I wanted to say:   “Annie, I obviously would like if everyone appreciated what I do and choose, and NOT allowing other people’s opinions to direct me, is in no way the same as not caring. I have a Higher Power to guide me–and it is not other humans’ opinions or ideas. Not needing to impress others is not the same as not caring. And, I love you and no matter what is said to you, I know you will always know this.” My sister insured the end of connection with her daughters and used who knows what to justify it. But she tells herself and the FOO, it is all for the family—which I am welcome to join at any time.

Hustle Align meme also left me needing to reflect and understand my position on social climbing and spiritual striving. Very different paths and directions. Different Choices.  The need to “appear” agreeable is not something I value, even a little. Some people think I #dgaf but I do. I give lots of fucks about seeking serenity, improving myself, raising children with healthy senses of connection and #belonging I give fucks about my performance at work, not because I need to impress, but because doing better today than yesterday feels amazing. What others think is never my reason for doing or not doing a thing.

I differ from my family because I do not engage in weird flattering comments or offering gifts publicly to make a statement. I don’t so much reject that way of being as I just don’t choose it. I express genuine gratitude, appreciation, and admiration freely and easily. I buy gifts when I see items which a person has shared that they would like–and I give them just because, And then sometimes have nothing material to present on the day of the calendar in which a gift is expected. Maybe even, I am not able to physically attend the event.  But those are not a statements of my love or lack of. Love is 24/7.  Also, I suck at wrapping gifts but I am a terrific gifter all of the days of the year to people whom I feel a gifted connection. So, while the GIFT may be wrapped poorly or not at all and not presented  on the specified day of the year, you will love that shit and remember how much I notice and appreciate you each time you use or see your “gift” from me.

Gifts aimed at impressing or mending feel icky to me.  In my life today, gifts are things we do or get for each other that say:  “I see you.  I hear you.  I know you.  I love you.  As you wish.”  Anything else is a gesture and a statement for sure–but not necessarily a gift.

We all choose how,why, what, and when we give.  Some forms of “giving” are more wholesome and generous than others.  Giving people what they need is badass love.  Giving them what you want them to have is more assy than badass.  Just saaayin, IMHO.

I give great gifts and lots of fucks for reasons and occasions that feel true to me.

I am sorry that…

You never apologized for hurting me but I apologized 12 times for how I handled that pain. That is how I was raised…apologizing for causing other people’s unfortunate behaviors, because I made them act badly, and then apologizing for (reacting)handling myself poorly. Fuck that. I am not sorry for not knowing how to be a better abuse getter. I am sorry only that it took me until age 40 to recognize what is and is not abusive, what is and is not loving and what is and is not my responsibility. I am sorry for the wreckage of not knowing what I did not know about healthy connections and behaviors. I am beyond grateful to get to #breakthecycle Equally grateful that my sister OPENLY and repeatedly said and did the most undeniably hateful and divisive things to me(MY family) —-so that it could finally be illuminated what life as her younger sister has been like. She cooked her own goose and recovery taught me to step back and watch…to keep safe and not own what is not mine and to refuse to deny what is. I finally know what to do when people are abusive. And I know that fighting fire with fire just makes more fire. #NOCONTACT hurts much less than the constant burn of that dynamic. My sister would figuratively set me on fire ?while my mother would nod approvingly and enjoy the warmth.

PS–anytime a person fauxpologizes to you with a statement beginning like this:  “I am sorry that you feel….”  Walk TF away.

Genuine apologies and amends are the most wholesome, humble, badass things a person can do.    It is too much for some, though.

Thank You for Teaching Me

And so I rise from godless, shame-filled decades of anger and despair as I learn and recover from the traumatic effects of the covert abuse dynamics. I am developing faith in my potential to thrive—not just to survive what it means to live within my own skin and mind.

The cunning and psychopathic game of golden child v. scapegoat is devastating, mostly to the scape goat, though the the designated Golden One will insist they are the victim, because on the surface, it can appear that way.  The abuse is subtle and calculated, but the reactions tend to be overt and hysterical for apparently no reason.  Golden (favored) One comes to believe in their own impeccability because by comparison, they are clearly the good one in this zero-sum game.  Seriously, it as if her goodness existed only in the presence of my “badness”. One winner, one loser.

Reporting recent and finally observable actions and written words— (Golden One got sloppy, imposing visibly harmful and hostile initiatives when I refused to engage as I had historically.  She had nothing to work with but her own rage)—I detail the behaviors to support “precious others”–to share with them what they cannot yet see or say for themselves. Sharing allows for the shedding of shame and myths of unworthiness.  Being treated poorly and handling it even more poorly SUCK.  I was never a good abuse getter( I was good at earning it apparently, but not responding to it in ways that were not diminishing to myself and others). I own that!  Total Fail.

Recovery offers me choices (boundaries) I could not have recognized as a child and then a disturbed young adult.  It was news to me to learn that– I am not required to show up for what feels abusive…and when threatened, I am allowed to detach and disengage. There is the claim that my declining of invitations to pretend abusive things are not said and done—equals me abandoning them, while at the same time they smugly need to believe they discarded me and pride themselves on their generous and benevolent declaration that “She is welcome to join anytime”  Yeh, no.  Not available for that anymore.

Learning and changing are uncomfortable.  Remaining in a non-wholesome-love- arrangement makes me feel unstable, unable to cope and thrive.  Why would I choose that?

I am proud of the woman I am becoming and what they taught me. I am a #workinprogress not a #historicalrevisionist as they like to say. I was there. I know my experience.  Anyone compelled to debate or judge that gets all the space they need to do so.  Join me for healing or we part ways.  Either way, thank you for teaching me.  I rise.

The Legacy of Rage

I contemplated deleting my last post because of all of the evidence of my anger–having difficult feelings is proof of defectiveness in my FOO, and cause for dismissal or debate.  In my family of origin, I was the feeler, the over feeler, the overly sensitive one.  Unable to mask or deny pain, anger, joy, confusion.  I was not shown or taught to effectively manage my emotions in healthy ways.  In recovery, I have learned that we cannot selectively numb feelings.  Efforts to numb pain also block other feelings like joy and peace.  So, I have all of these intense emotions, all of the feels, and I am trying to learn how to feel them AND not be
controlled by them.  I am not ashamed of experiencing anger.  Though my sometimes reactive behaviors do not elevate my self esteem.  What does elevate it, is the practice of reflecting on it and being willing to own and amend what I can.   My diminishing words & behavior are a reaction–a

reflection of what is going on inside me in that moment, usually fear can be found at the root.  Deep sigh. (more…)

Serves You Right

I was raised on this line…frequently when I reported something personally difficult, unpleasant, or painful: physically or emotionally, I was told “serves you right”.  The alternative response- a debate aimed at making me believe that I was imagining or misunderstanding my feelings and reality.  The comfort was, I also heard they S.Y.R -message directed at all unfortunates in the world  “serves them right”  –clearly natural consequences for being asshole enough to voice that you might think, want, or feel differently from how my “family” did.  So in this way only, I was not unique or alone. And so, I too hated all of them along side my family, and for obvious reasons, this made me lonelier and more terrified of life and people. Shared judgment and hate don’t make for a solid foundation of lasting and meaningful connection.  It was not a hopeful point of departure.

I still hear the haunting message “Serves you right” and feel shame for things that would not cause shame for emotionally secure people, raised with a healthy senses of self, security, belonging, and boundaries. (more…)

Parenting and Power Struggles

Just SwinginMy parenting game is NOT on point these days. Quick to jump in the ring with my son…I am not so unlike that defeated, blood and sweat covered boxer just swingin’ and hopin’ to connect. Neither dignity nor peace have been won in this way. Shit shit shit—healthy engagement has not been modeled for me and it is unnatural and hard AF. (more…)

Food and Truth-In Abundance

The night seemed long. Wilbur’s stomach was empty and his mind was full. And when your stomach is empty and your mind is full, it’s always hard to sleep.

FOOD & TRUTH–Two things I was starved and desperate for, much of my life. Naturally, I developed food and trust issues which manifested in some pretty destructive ways.   Living in a perpetual state of fear, uncertainty, and hunger will drive some very desperate thinking. Being frightened and hungry also made it difficult to fully get adequate rest. Like Winnie the Pooh says  “going to bed with a full head and an empty stomach” is rough.  So then, throw sleep deprivation in the mix within a home, pulsing with unspeakable rage and shame—what a mess.  My inability to manage was viewed as the problem rather than the symptom– typical in these arrangements.  I was the canary, scapegoat, black sheep.  (I will add here, that truth can be subjective.  However, TRUST is what I offer my boys  truth and trust- stability.)  My experience, coming up in the world doubting myself and all others, especially those I counted on.  That was a difficult row to hoe.  The way we live and love, in our home, is rooted in immense trust in each other and faith in goodness.  This way of living, loving, and parenting is one of the many miracles of recovery. (more…)

We Can Do Hard Things

In just over a week, I embark on a new career opportunity, which I feel reluctant to share about. My boss, and dear friend of 24 years, says that she is happy for me– but the approaching transition has caused growing tension between us. Also, I do (more…)