Kthanksbye

Walks Scoots away, all placid and shit.

The End. (If only…)

The Loss of an Estranged Parent

Shit shit shit…I just got third party information that my mother has been taken to the hospital.  My mother has made her decision and choices clear.  So, I suppose I will wait and see what her family sees fit to share with or ask of me.  I never did get the playbook on how to manage this sort of thing.  But I did find these brilliant words of wisdom and comfort over at ScaryMommy:  “But there is only so much abuse a person can take before they say “enough.” For me, the birth of my son was also the birth of my backbone. It was the birth of me saying “enough is enough.” Once I became firm in my decision, I started hearing people say, “But what if something happens to her, how will you feel?”

That is the million-dollar question when you end a relationship in anger. What happens if they die? Can you live with yourself? My answer to that question is yes. Yes, you can.

As you can imagine, I have been dealing with a lot of emotions in relation to her death. When a parent dies, it is earth-shattering. Just completely devastating. You are forever changed. Yet, the truth is, I mourned my mother many years ago. After years of therapy and being open about this with my friends (and non-friends who ask), I can tell you that I felt, and still feel, a million emotions in regards to the death of my mother.

Not a single one is regret.

I chose to end an abusive, toxic relationship. I chose to allow people who loved and supported me to be in my life, and those who hurt me and betrayed me, those who took advantage of me and used me as a punching bag to be let out of my life. It was liberating.

But it is also devastating. I am so sad that I didn’t talk to my mom on the phone the night before she died. I am heartbroken that she never knew my amazing boys. At 1 and 5 years old, they are the most amazing creatures I have ever been privileged to know. Mourning the absence of the mother I needed, the one I knew she wished she could have been, and the one I lost has been the hardest and most emotionally taxing thing I have ever done.

As I sit here and think about the fact that my mother and I will never reconcile, I’m okay. She was never the mother I needed. She couldn’t be. But maybe she is also finally free. Free from the demons she faced in this world. Wherever she is, I hope she is no longer hurting. Having my children has been so healing because I truly understand a mother’s love. I never knew it growing up, but loving my boys as fiercely and intensely as I do? That has been more healing than I could have ever imagined.

It is so hard to be hurt by someone who should love you. But we cannot stand idly by and allow these relationships to continue. We have to set boundaries and end contact if needed. Because sometimes the only person you can save is you. So save yourself. You are worth it.

And who knows, maybe it is just a broken arm?  Either way, the collective need for my inclusion with this bunch was outlined clearly and repeatedly.  There really is nothing I can do but wait. And pray.

 

Thanksgiving with Family-More Spooky than Halloween–More Tricky than Treaty

I realize it is only halloween and I am already thinking Thanksgiving thoughts.  Getting out into the future consistently brings me down.  And, off I go.  My boys are enjoying plans with good wholesome family friends tonight and for that I am over the moon.  For me Thanksgiving will happen in the home of my best friend.  My boys are with their father this year for Thanksgiving and it would be silly to think they will go anywhere but with my sister and mother, with whom I have NO CONTACT.  From the day we met ( my boys’ father and me) everything that was mine became ours and everything that was his remained exclusively his.  My bank accounts, benefits, house, house downpayment, personal email, credit cards, friends, everything-shifted from mine to ours–and nobody forced me, it is what I learned, how to sustain illusion of cohesion avoid banishment.   (more…)

The Opposite of Faith

There is much change in my life as I transition homes and career AND try to accept the finality of my family of origin’s committed alignment with my ex husband, which for many reasons is harmful.  They do this to circumvent  the depth of work toward resolution or even genuine peace between US, without forfeiting physical access to my children. I often feel desperate for certainty.  So, with the recent disconnect(revealed by political differences) between Sweet Greg and me, I wanted certainty, to skip right over not knowing how it could be, so I could just 100% be sure of something—like that we were over.  It would be easier to do that, because not knowing is difficult.  But then I remembered, my Faith is immense and I take risk and make big moves when necessary…and that I can wait through difficult times. Sweet Greg and I have together, decided that there is no rush to KNOW and that we shall remain committed to our relationship while not pretending honestly acknowledging our struggle. Intimacy is the place where this truly presents itself.  It is not a punishment, but a natural and non-permanent consequence  of this “thing” that separates us.

I am grateful to be in a struggle together, with him, not against him, and not free from him, but working together through difficulty to see what is true and possible.  Tragically and foolishly, I thought my ex husband and I might find lasting connection in divorce, as it would join us in working together toward something we both knew was right.  That lasted only until he re-united with his sisters( he could never be close with his sisters and me at the same time—always forced to choose–sound familiar??  Poor Guy) His sisters prospered immensely from marriages and divorces from people who had more than they did and had distinct ideas and suggestions for how to win the battle of divorce-  Ugh–  The zero-sum game–Somebody must lose!

Anyway, We are all grateful and excited about our pumpkin carving afternoon and Saturday Taco dinner.  Love and faith win–but are too much for those who must be  certain and right.  I am grateful I for the opportunities to unlearn this thinking and to practice living and being in ways that are new to me.  I love you, Greg and we are worth the struggle and the not knowing.  And resolution is the place where relationships are strengthened.  We are strong and courageous AF–total badasses for surrendering to uncertainty and struggle!  Together, we expand.

 

Broken But Not Destroyed

Day 5 of my Year of Miracles with Marianne Williamson-

I have given excessive thought to things like blame, shame, unworthiness, faith, courage, and serenity. The last three are developments from doing the work of
recovery. Previously I relied exclusively on blame, shame, unworthiness to guide me—OH, and decades of resentment for being saddled with both spoken and unspoken messages to “BE different or else goddammit.(Step to, get on fucken script!”) Since, I cannot force or feign healing or transformation, I defaulted to the “OR ELSE”.

In my family of origin, the message I continue to receive is “If you are truly grateful and decent, you will stop (being you)”. Message received. I know for people outside of recovery, it appears that I choose, earn, and am responsible for all of
the brokenness of our family. Thank God, what other people think is no longer my business-another magical nugget of wisdom offered by spiritual recovery and seeking information on mental wellness.

Marianne shares in today’s reading that:  “It doesn’t matter how we get to be a certain way. What matters is that we are honest with ourselves about the way we are—the crooked places that need to be made straight, the wounds in our hearts that fester for years, unhealed—broken pieces of ourselves that seem beyond repair.”

Until we admit our defects, we cannot take responsibility for them. I like the expression of “Name it to tame it.”  A malady cannot effectively be treated before being accurately identified.  Right?   I learned in the course of my mother’s cancer treatment, that for cancer patients, it is essential to determine which type of cancer is present in order to know exactly the necessary course of treatment. Previously, I believed all cancer got THE chemo and THE radiation. The cancer type is determined by where it first originates, and not necessarily where it presents.   My mother’s cancer became first evident in her lungs, but in fact, it was ovarian cancer, and was treated accordingly and well.

Ok—a lil tangent, but still about recovery and healing. The doctors first did the work to name it then tamed it. Twice! She is cancer-free, I am told.

For now, our family behaves as if I am the the source of cancer within our FOO (but actually, I am the place where it presents) and I must be removed.   I think there may be confusion over whom shall be credited with my removal, them or ME. With my marriage, my ex declared he would do NO work on himself (that he would never change-he actually said those words)—a promise he will keep, so I filed for divorce. On one hand, he likes to say he ended it with me, because then he is in charge and feels un-rejected. On the other hand, he likes to say it was me who filed for divorce and I am to blame. This dynamic is nuts, wanting authority without responsibility.  In recovery, I have but one trusted authority, God. I am unable to strive for and maintain wellness in systems like my marriage and FOO that demand reverence to…what, I am not even sure what to call it—their will, their mood, their agenda.  I cannot abide by anything as dynamic and non-benevolent as that.  I am responsible only for my own wellness and behavior.  Good Orderly Directions are all that I revere.  They are not a source for that.

Today is only Day 5 with Marianne Williamson. I cannot wait to see where my 365 journey will leave me.. In true addict fashion, I am tempted to jam through the remaining 360 days over the weekend. However, I recognize that lasting transformation requires intention, time, faith, willingness, and discipline. Discipline remains tricky for me.  I will continue working on myself.  Doing the work is BADASS-(all caps, yo).  And totally WHOLESOME-  It is not for everyone.

I am a work in pogress.  I will never stop changing.  As my sister likes to say-Amen!

Hug Rapers-Break the Cycle

I have just realized that the same people who demand and extract hugs and demonstrations of physical intimacy of any sort (particularly from children), which are not mutually comfortable or desired—They are the exact same ONES who will cast you out for non compliance. Sick ass conditional love, fraud ! They wish to be in charge of intimacy, inclusion, (exclusion, of course) and an illusion of closeness. Sorry…It doesn’t work that way.  Even if you are their mother, sister, aunt…Especially so!

My stomach is knotted as I recall my first date with my now ex(husband) and the hug that I joked to friends, that I did not give but allowed to be extracted…because that is what I learned might help me avoid banishment. LITERALLY, Icky hugs lead to drugs and other unfortunate coping skills ,addiction, self-hate, self loathing, anxiety, depression.  Oh—and a loveless marriage.

These people never offer hugs or kindness in time of need, they use hugs for social appearances.  Wholesome hugging happens naturally when there is connection.  If you have to insist on one, you are rapey.  Please seek help.  If you have a hug extractor in the lives of your children, please consider encouraging them to practice body autonomy.  I found a powerful piece on this issue earlier.  No surprise that a large part of the people whom I know to have voted #45 are also hug rapers.  Although, my mother did not vote #45, she is definitely guilty of demanding physical intimacy and condemning when rebuffed.

“There is a concept called body autonomy. Its generally considered a human right. Bodily autonomy means a person has control over who or what uses their body, for what, and for how long. Its why you can’t be forced to donate blood, tissue, or organs. Even if you are dead. Even if you’d save or improve 20 lives. It’s why someone can’t touch you, have sex with you, or use your body in any way without your continuous consent.

A fetus is using someone’s body parts. Therefore under bodily autonomy, it is there by permission, not by right. It needs a persons continuous consent. If they deny and withdraw their consent, the pregnant person has the right to remove them from that moment. A fetus is equal in this regard because if I need someone else’s body parts to live, they can also legally deny me their use.
By saying a fetus has a right to someone’s body parts until it’s born, despite the pregnant person’s wishes, you are doing two things.

1. Granting a fetus more rights to other people’s bodies than any born person.
2. Awarding a pregnant person less rights to their body than a corpse.”

A Year of Miracles-or Just One Day

Holy smokes! I just listened to Day 2 of Marianne Williamson (47 times,of course) A Year of Miracles: how miracles happen when we choose expressions of love without the distractions of fear, anxiety, shame, guilt, resentment—and all things not built on love. What the what?  I know it is a little woo woo, but today, I am partially, if not deeply, moved by these sentiments. I recognize in myself the indisputable need for spiritual adjustment. Marianne goes on, to blow my mind with:

“My own self hatred masquerading itself as self love, lures me to blame, defense, and more suffering.   Will I place my focus on something loveless that somebody did to me?”

If I withdraw my attachment to what THEY DO (present tense), I will no longer be affected by their actions. (really????)  Apparently, I have the opportunity to decide to put my faith elsewhere. Marianne provides a much needed definition of forgiveness that resonates with me. The miracle of forgiveness: It has nothing to do with ignoring, pretending or exposing myself for more….only a willingness to restore my focus and faith in the practice of love.

When something loveless is done to me, I must process my feelings but I do not have to indulge them. Yes, I MUST honor them, but not spew them.  (Ouch!)  In this way I become willing and able to to endure the gap in time between the pain of someone having hurt me and the miracle of my release from suffering.  But But But, I say; the shit is never ending.  Of course I still want IT to STOP ALREADY.(possibly embedding of that link is evidence of a lack of complete surrender and willingness.  I am a work in progress—only striving, not arriving)

Forgiveness seems more doable, once the loveless behaviors have ceased. But just for today, I will allow my thoughts to take a new direction and place my attachments where they can serve love and god, not my ego.  I must surrender urges to un-erase myself, be heard, defend, and prove anything at all.

Will I? If I do, it will sure be some wholesome badass shift.  I will call it a goal.  Possibly tomorrow, or even later today, I will post something diametrically opposing my newly and currently enlightened mood.  Deep sigh.

Soul (Rapey) Sister

After lunch, this weekend, at my sister’s home where she fawned over my ex in ways that made even him feel awkward, my boys have reported the continued demands for touches and hugs.  I cannot express clearly enough to my sons that they never have to touch or be touched in ways that feel icky, in order to make someone else happy.  Nor shall they impose themselves on others in this way.  It is not loving, normal, or healthy.

My sister, mother, and their father continue to strongly urge them to hug when they resist.  They are rightfully disturbed by this.  Not only the engaging in physical unwanted touch but the tension they face with their father if they do not gladly oblige.  What does this teach children—to hug and put out on demand?  This turns my stomach and is foul and unsurprising behavior from people who have always touched and taken in ways that were not only unwelcome but damaging.

The soul raping legacy stops here: Keep your needy and dirty paws off my children’s innocent bodies and spirits.  Let them BE.  They do not feel peace and comfort with you.  They do not want to be touched by you and have articulated looking forward to “turning 18 so they can stop being forced” to engage with people who act as if their mother is either unworthy or non-existent….and with people who knowingly divide their parents—while demanding shows of physical intimacy from them.  Ugh.

For those of you who are new to my journey, it is essential to know that I cried to my husband while married about a sister with whom I did not speak for decades and– then we divorced.  She triangulates with him creating discord in coparenting for us, which is unfortunate for our young sons and myself, though not for him.  Anyway, as a mother and woman, I find the behavior unacceptable…especially from someone who is desperate to be seen as pious, ladylike, and sweet.   While confronting them will do nothing, illuminating the truth of what has happened and is happening is needed.  It heals and helps to cope and to share my story with others who have experienced being used and discarded by members of their family, violated:   denied and touched both physically and mentally in ways that were not healthy or wholesome-and then judged for not being gracious processors of the unthinkable. Now, for the rising, we are pulling ourselves up out of a dynamic that could otherwise make the sanest of people lose their shit.  If protecting my children and teaching them boundaries is a crime.  I am guilty AF.  I am ok with that.

Jilan Catherine Ghoneim Whitney.   You have effectively divided my mother from her daughter and any hope of authentic connection with her grandsons.  You have pitted “your nephews’ ” parents against each other, and divide the boys from the truth in their hearts. You have emotionally divided them from your entire family right along with you.  What are you doing?  It is harmful for all, but you and my ex-husband.  Stop dividing people.  You might be winning whatever war or prize you are after, but it is unwholesome and many would benefit from a shift in plans. Please stop yourself.  Forcing people around your table does not translate to  creating love or connection—Seriosuly, you should stop. You know your girls and husband do not feel good about your choices. Check yourself.  You always asked me “Do I look like a wierd desperate dyke?”  I always answered, laughing alternated between no and yes. And the joke was “WDD”  But the truth is, you appear desperate and spiteful unloving, to those who can bare to look. “DSU” 100%-not laughing.  Try re-reading your extortion thanksgiving email of two years ago.  A more well person might have just said “Hi All- Mom can’t travel, can we have Thanksgiving in NC this year?”  Seriously.  

#rape #soulrape #stopit #toxicpeople #narcissist #justsayno #theanswerisalwaysno #noisalwaystheanswer #speakup #sayno #sexualabuse #predator #molestor #desperate #gross

Happy Birthday

Eddie Murphy is the man. Sober AF and still Funny as hell.

I adore Eddie Murphy and may celebrate later by watching Coming to America or Beverly Hills Cop.  Laughter is key and I have found that unless I can be free to cry around you, I will never deeply laugh with you or enjoy or want sex with you.  Wholesome laughter, for me, seems the height of intimacy, laughing at things that do not diminish others.  While this meme may seem distasteful to some, it is just plain silly, mocking ignorance, itself.  I think it would only agitate those deep into being perceived as politically correct, while failing to make the distinction between PC and morally upright.  Just saaayin.

Anyhoo-Birthdays have always been difficult, not because I am concerned with my age, but because I have always felt the pressure to suddenly transform into this person that I am not:   social, upbeat, grateful for shit I do not want in place of stuff I need, happy to be surrounded by people who show no signs of giving a genuine fuck about me 364, and don’t mind serving me foods I dislike past my dinner time-in honor of me.

What I am grateful for is my ability to laugh and cry with my trusted others for all of the days of the year. I am grateful to have people in my life who truly know and want me, exactly as I am, even the prickly parts.

I hope to not receive weird cards in my mailbox from people who consistently discount my right to serenity and wholeness. Holiday sentiments in that form are unwelcome reminders of all that is not. I have enough of those. #thanksbutnothanks

For my birthday, I have special lunch and dinner plans and I will treat myself well by scheduling my mammogram and annual gyno appt (because having that task ticked off the list will feel freeing), by cleaning my home to the standard I wish for it to be. I have already ordered myself a fancy bra, that promises to fit perfectly and will treat myself to a manicure. Recovery teaches me how to practice appropriate self care. It is so unnatural to me, but today, I will do things that are good for me with people who are good for me. I will eat what my body needs when it needs to be fed and I will spend time alone, because my wiring requires that I do so. I will be free from anyone who dares to challenge or judge that.

Because life is both too long and #lifeistooshort for anything other.  Happy Birthday to me!

 

We Can Do Hard Things

Sweet Greg and I had a profoundly expansive and beautiful near 2 years together and have sadly arrived at a place in which we cannot continue as we have, believing knowing what we believe “know” and feeling what we feel.  Tomorrow is my birthday and while many would want to just get through that, the last thing I want is a strained or achy birthday dinner.  I have had my fill of those. In the process of moving homes, changing jobs, and entering into the holiday season, it seems unfair timing to cut myself loose from someone so dear, I understand that friendship ONLY is not appealing to him.

•I am sad

•I am grateful

•I am angry

•I am being responsible and fair

•I am grieving—just add this to the pile of things to grieve

•I don’t like it

•I will not pretend

•I will not deny

•I will not ignore

Possessing the courage to share my truth and to step all the way into it, one more time, dividing me from someone, whom I do not want to be without, is something I feel good about.

DAILY READING RECOVERY-Relationships are lessons in my soul growth.My recovery and relationship to God and myself matter more to me than any relationship or relationship status to others.  I am divorced.  I am single.  I am choosing authenticity over fear. I am BRAVING (Brene Brown-Braving the Wilderness)