Want Sum?

Oh the draining mindfuckery of dealing with someone married to their zero sum fixed mindset.  The boys’ father literally can not feel significant/ almighty unless he percieves that he has rendered me irrelevant, invalid.  He has outright told the boys, in writing “disregard your mom”, not because I am flipping out but for sharing relevant logistical, like deniably factual shit, which does not suit his agenda. Also, full transparency and disclosure are very non-preferred by him and he retalliates against them.

He tends to derive a sense of satisfaction and power through dedicated efforts to diminishing or excluding another.  It is as if he is unable to feel a part of a thing unless someone else is visibly on the outside, preferably by his hand(or mouth). Very entitled – greedy grabber.

The boys have remained with him for more than two weeks for Quarantine.  There has been minimal contact with them.  Because how might they demonstrate reverence and blind allegiance as he demands, and then also still acknowledge and connect with me, while on his turf under his watch? What sort of a monster creates a divide for children in this way?  Oh, wait, I know exactly what kind. Cuz– “You are either with me or against me”. I remind my boys regularly, that I would prefer to have them alligned against me than each other.

Their father however, does not feel similarly. As long as any one person is colluding with him against another, he feels secure. The way he uses them and pits them against me or each other is shameless. Actaully shameful. Both, I suppose. I dont want them to believe they need to choose between us. BUT I do insist that I will not be gaslit into thinking that I only percieve their dad as being divisive, cruel, and dishonest— in overt ways – which are observable, and not hinged to me saying that he did a thing. They too are being gaslit, being served a narrative which conflicts with what they witness, first hand. How will they ever learn to trust? themselves, each other, their parents?

Perhaps these posts may one day be useful to them as a point of reference, when they are in therapy, recovery or deep into drugs.  They are literally being groomed for lives of disconnection and mental unwellness.  I find it unbearable.

I have some health concerns atm and I wish I could say that I hope I don’t get taken out early, exiting before the end of the third quarter.  Would he be less devilish without their mother as his proclaimed and sole source of his failure to connect socially and achieve peace, wealth, and happiness?  Most likely, he would find away to manipulate my passing to elicit pity and connection in the name of the boys but actually for himself.  I fantasize over his outrage over how I would arrange my estate distribution so that he would have no knowledge of the matter.  No idea.  No say.  No access.  Plus also, I do not cause his behavior, he will just need to find a different excuse for himself.

I do not feel that my boys must go to college.  I will support them finding their way, though they do seem to be on a college track.  Their dad, however, who did not attend college and has declared he will not pay for their college, insists they must go.  Cray Cray. YOu must do a thing which I have not done and will not fund, regardless of what you want. He is eager to TRY and allocate the money left by MY mother.  Because he is desperate to feel in control of how those sums shall be spent.  

Also, because he at some level knows he may be losery, he relies on our sons for re-defining or re-casting himself -so climbery and usery, his constant quest to be associated with anyone else’s status and wealth, which he fails to achieve.  Sadly, his greatest achievement conquest seems to be me, my house, my money, my social circle, my family, my assets.  Sadder though, I knowingly threw it all away because I did not believe I could do better than to be used.  At first feeling generous, as if I were sharing, and then realizing, it would all be extracted and diminished with or without my consent.

With their grades and my current income, my boys can count on the most financial aid and scholarship and save their TRU$T for what they choose, as it was intended.  It was not meant to ease the way for their dad or me, but for them.  What a gift my mother left to THEM—To exit college or whatever and have a nice pot of money for property or a start up or anything, really.  Catherine G Whitney

Love Does & Does Not

If I really think about it. …I could not have done anything great enough to earn the gift of Sweet Greg’s love. AND there is not a thing I could do to lose it. There are definitely things I could do to make him want space from me, but never to make him want to see me suffer or to leverage my weaknesses and vulnerabilities against me. 


One definition of enemy is- someone who wants to see you fail, be afraid, suffer or struggle. Loving people do not choose to cause struggle or suffering for another. Wholesome Love would prevent them from doing so. 


I am re-learning love- I have definitely done my share of behaving as an enemy. I married and divorced an enemy- maybe because people who claimed to love me also consistently behaved as enemies—justifying with phrases like “serves you right”. So I did the same to others, until I knew better.  Jilan Catherine Ghoneim Whitney Catherine G Whitney
I forgive myself for what I did not know as a young adult. What I learned about love, connection, worthiness, lovability—all of it was sick and distorted. I am learning a better way. I am a work in progress.

Clean MRI

The neuorlogists office called regarding MRI of brain and spine- results of scan: Normal- at least no MS. I will request a second pair of eyes on the scan as we still need resolution around why W’s legs and feet lack sensation. Seems as though a deeply invested neurologist would have suggested next steps at getting to the root of this.

So that is definitely wonderful news. Interesting (and totally predictable and consistent) to note how when I shared the report with boys’ father via group text, he could not even acknowledge it. Why not tap a thumbs up or type hooray or a heart? I recognize now, how certain types need to escalate their displeasure to a war. Because in war, there are no rules. Plus —narcissists derive the much needed sense of power from stonewalling. I guess I am supposed to feel invisible, insignificant or defeated and clearly not part of a parental unit/team. I definitely feel the latter. It has always been this way, even in marriage.

But in healthy sustainable connection, we seek resolution, we enter in good faith with intent to engage in ways which are wholesome and directed at healing, peace, compromise and possibly connecting. But that gets a hard pass always, from those who need for there to be a winner and loser and a sense of power and dominance.

Yay, no MS. BOO, my boys’ father still tries feverishly to dominate and win and have tantrums when he FAILS to force a person to lose or comply, he believes then– that he must be the loser. Fuck the zero sum game. I am breaking, or at least disrupting that cycle, one day at a time. It can be a lil triggering tho as it mirrors what my female sibling would do to me. I did marry my sister. Catherine Ghoneim Whitney

So Then

I worried that R would righteously skip the MRI and also not tell me. I checked location services and saw the O was home while W was not and asked O where his brother was. Our younger son informed me that W was on his way to MRI. This is how I get essential info. Sad sad sad for my boys. W texted me to report that he was home from MRI . I am grateful he was able to get the care he desrves and needs.

Sunday made day 5 of the quarantine in which I had requested proof of negative test for R’s new gf of a few weeks, the one he leaves the boys for late at night on school nights, 25 miles away, asserting “it gives them independence”. Our sons literally cannot go outside without his permission and yet he claims that them being in bed at night with nobody close by for them if they need help— is an exercise in independence.

Saturday night we received wintery mix of sleet and snow which continued throughout Sunday. Road advisory for people to stay home until roads warmed, but nope. Below are our Sunday morning texts (with the man who rages that I do only as I like with no logic, the man who waited 6 hours after W’s blackout concussion to get him medical attention, the man who did not tell me O had a URI and then encouraged him to run in cross country race in near triple digit temperatures, leaving him ill with wracking cough lasting more than 3 weeks, during pandemic)

Saturday 9:15 am. Roads frozen. Sleeting and Snowing.

R to M in family text: Maggie, I have urgent care appts for us at 10:45 and will drop boys off after, based on results.

W– private text to me: Dad wont let me go out and play in the snow. Novant closed. Now racing from testing center to drug stores trying to buy home tests.

M to family text: cringey emoji face and “driving conditions”

R to M in family text: O tested positive. Doctor recommends sepearting them. What do you want to do?

M to family text: Ugh. O needs to quarantine in his room at your house and W to remain with you. N95 masks when out of his room. All test again in 5 days and go from there. Link to cdc protocol for Caring for someone at home.

M to family text: So W, R, and Tracy negative?

W: Me and dad negative. Tracy and O positive.

Silence. W prolly taking some heat for transparency and truth. Thank gawd it was O that tested positive because R and O and now Tracy also, like to treat W as the constant problem and hindrance– gaslighty and diminishing him- mostly his father though. Trying to reduce him to a more manageable size.

I am still pretty shook by R’s escalating hostile and aggressive attacks of me, for the things which HE is and does. It is familiar crazy making, gaslighty and communicates: I am coming for you each time I feel inconvenienced or frustrated by your lack of compliance.

I hate this for the boys. What a situation- shitty and totally avoidable. I am certain R is feeling both heroic and victimized by the consequences for his actions. If he would have stayed tf home on Tuesday night, none of this would even be a conversation. Maybe O got it at school and we would have dealt with it here. But, well….it did not go down like that. And I say this for my own sanity—I literally did nothing but claim my right and responsibility to avoid unnecessary exposure to Corona Virus.

RE Narcissists: Anything communicated which fails to endorse, elevate, please, comfort, accommodate- for them- is a call to war. Jilan Catherine Ghoneim Whitney Catherine G Whitney

For anyone whom I was ever harmful to…I hope this relieves or amuses you. I am getting mine. And learning from it, one day at a time.

Wednesday Morning Text

R: I saw my girlfriend last night and she just learned she was exposed to Covid at work yesterday. I have already dropped O off at school I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do?

Magda:  I’m not sure. What I do know is that we cannot disrupt the scheduled MRI this Saturday. Boys should stay with you for the next five days.

Magda: When is she getting tested? If she is positive. You all need to quarantine. She should test immediately. If negative today I will also need confirmation of a negative result in five days before the boys may return here. So please plan to take him for MRI.

R: so the state is OK with him being exposed everyone at school but just not you? And it’s OK with you to take W to an MRI as long as somebody else does it?

Magda: I cannot help that our county is relaxed about masking and protocols. The Imaging center will ask questions about exposure and symptoms and decide how to proceed.

R: this is actually you doing what you want with no logical thought process.

Magda:  I think you may be describing yourself here. Leaving the boys late on school nights as you have been doing.

R:  I assume this was some ridiculous way for you not to approve of what I do with them on my time. They don’t need me catering to them every night. It’s good for them to learn to be more independent. I’m not seeking your trust or approval anymore Maggie. I haven’t been since 2000 I haven’t been since 2010.

Me to myself:   OK—-wtf is even happening?

Magda: OK. Five days with proof of a negative test for Tracey at the end before they come home. You texted me you didn’t know what to do. So now you know.  I choose to avoid unnecessary possible exposure to Covid. 

R:  As you know I meant there (I suspect he meant “their”) school. But hey keep making up random shit that suits you.

Magda:  CDC protocol is not random. You get so unhinged when I have a boundary. Still.

R:  Trying to tell me what I should be doing with them on my time is not a boundary.

R: You criticised what I was doing.

Magda:  In response to your attack on my logic, I suppose I did. My boundary is me protecting myself from possible Corona. And I literally never told you what to do outside of CDC protocol….because you asked.

R:  Keep playing the victim, Maggie.

Magda: LOL emoji.  Duuude, you always believe yourself to be the victim or the hero.  I do not feel victimized, at all.  

R: The bold is a cute touch –laughing emoji.

Magda:  Your anger is something. So Ragey at me when you are inconvenienced by your own choices and consequences. Always trying to punish, shame and blame.

R:  Again, your opinion must be the truth.

Magda: Regarding W’s MRI on Saturday medical imaging centers have mask protocol and will be fine doing the MRI unless he has tested positive, especially since he vaxxed. We don’t wear masks 24/7 around the house which is why the five days before return here. I was happy to take W to MRI. Mary Ann was joining, and Greg was taking O to the trails. None of this is my choice or my doing.

No response.  I sure hope he will take our boy for an mri rather than being too busy feeling something unpleasant- for having chosen to run out late on a school night to go 25 miles away to see a woman he barely knows, because he is frantic- and that did not work out for anyone.   HE TEXTED ME to say he did not know what to do.  I shared CDC protocol and he escalated immediately to combat status.  

This is the type of destabilizing exchange I am accustomed to with both him and my female sibling, WHEN THEY FEEL responsible for anything but their own joy.  Sadly, for my boys, this was a group text.  I need them to see the insanity.  They need to know this is insane and that it is not them.  This is what happens when you challenge or do a thing which makes a narcissist feel criticized or non-perfect.

Totally judging tho: In more than six years, Sweet Greg and I have never left our boys at night, during or past bedtime, for any reason. I did try to beg him once, to sneak over while his son was asleep and he objected and I loved him more for knowing that it was a non-sane idea/plan.

Recovery kept me on track in that exchange with his repeated attempts at diversion with straw man tactics. Non recovery leaves me aching to say unfortunate things to him. But me losing my shit or behaving badly is an example of the thing people were always trying to tell me “about gving or throwing my power away”. Now that I know better, I do better. I am not a victim. I have choices, even if they suck. My boys are the victims, as they have no good options for navigating or avoiding our tension. I bet my sister would smile fondly upon him if she could observe him fighting the same battle in the same ways. Desperate to force me to submission…. two peas in a pod, they are! CatherineGWhitney Jilan Catherine Ghoneim Whitney Fayetteville Academy

There are Some Good Things

We live in a nice, cute & safe home, which I can afford. My boys are able bodied and minded and excellent in many ways. They are creative, strong, bright, fun, and funny as hell. We enjoy the stability and love of Sweet Greg and Favorite and her family for all of the special days, crises, and best of all – for the majority of ordinary days in between. Favorite and Sweet Greg remain unshakable sources of goodness and comfort and so much laughter. We also have the good fortune of a few great neighbors. I have satisfying work in which I feel increasingly competent and valued. I receive steady income, health insurance, paid time off for vacation and illness, things I went without for 7 difficult years, while caring for small and frequently ill children by myself without court ordered support. I have a program of recovery to guide me through the easy and the hard times—as I had been neither raised nor encouraged to effectively navigate the world.

My older son will undergo a four hour MRI in 2 weeks, ideally to rule out MS. Without program wisdom and support, I would be utterly deranged over the implications and possibilities- a puddle on the floor over the fact that we (his father and I) will not support him similarly or together through whatever this may be.

Recovery teaches and reminds me to live one day at a time, to surrender what I cannot control or know. While I still struggle to accept haaaard things, I at least am now able to accept the reality of them. The practice of acceptance, not the feeling. Like, I accept that there may be something amiss in my boy’s spine, something scary. AND I still feel the fear, only I dont spin my wheels trying to change, understand, or know what I cannot. Worrying and obsessing will change nothing about the outcome. I have faith that I will do whatever needs to be done and that I will not be alone. These are my miracles. I am not hopeless, helpless, or alone –as my FOO and boys’ father insisted and wanted me to believe.

Fock, it always comes back to this. But seriously. I cannot help but marvel at initiatives to communicate, that I was wrong(in my being), invalid, discardable. The lies, the myths, the cycles, the impact of that: so much pain and anger with no place to put it or heal it– until I found the rooms and wisdom of recovery. And so, the healing continues. One day at a time I persist in the work of growing my capacity to love and be loved!

Hallllp

WIATF?

Imagine a struggling child (or really any person) whose parent, in no uncertain terms, communicates how: “Nobody can or wants to relate or even to help build a bridge to that place where you are.” Subtext: You are bad and alone. You, by your own defectiveness and doing, are on the wrong side of the gap, which seperates you from US, “the royal we”.

It is up to you, alone, to fix it, or deny and hide it, OR pay the price. But we will gladly welcome you at any time, once you have corrected your perceptions and feelings. We wish you the best, tho.

Literally, this is how it was. And this is how it is for my son. His crime: feeling too much and failing to mask it for his King Baby of a father. What kind of people actively take measures to convey the message “You are unworthy, hopeless, and alone”? The broken kind with god-complexes– robbers of trust, hope, faith, self love, dignity, self esteem.

The shit must stop. Parents and good humans build relational bridges not walls for children. Also, if you cannot be faithful allies for your young children, in this way…get some help for yourself. You ARE the PROBLEM. Just Ew. Yikes. Stop.

A continuing rant… Why expect decency from those who show repeatedly that they are fundamentally incapable of showing up to engage in basic unearned kindness, self reflection & adjustment of themselves, humility, nurturing…? Same people…always claiming to be a vicitm or a hero. I am now firmly back at Step Zero. Thank gawd, I have twelve steps to guide me out of this, once I am in enough pain to become sufficently willing.

YOur work is not to change who you are. You are not too much.

December

In the past month:   **My boys’ father met a woman, requiring him to stay out late on school nights (past 10 and even 11) leaving my boys home alone, at night to go to bed, without knowing when he might return.  He only has them every other week. This is neither necessary nor ok. ***The father has whisked them on a frantic last minute trip to the mountains for a weekend to meet her, with them all staying in the same house.(more on this in a later post). **My older son’s continuing numbness in his legs and feet required a visit with a neurologist who mentioned the possibility of Multiple Sclerosis and recommended an MRI to rule MS out. My sons’ father texted feverishly with new woman throughout the neurology visit, of which he did not report to me a single detail, even when asked directly, like not even the mention of MS which had been made in front of our son. He engaged in minimal dialog, to our son before returning him to school to finish out his day, with thoughts of possibly having MS. While he felt uncompelled to comfort or soothe our son, I bet big money that he promptly contacted everyone he knows to share the news and extract compassion and support for himself.

Regarding the introduction of the woman, after so little time, and in such an unfair way, the mountain cabin intro yielded highly predicatble results. It made my older son very uncomfortable and the ways in which his struggle manifested, led his father to call him shaming names repeatedly and over an extended period of time, followed by cold silence. In his messaging, he let our son know that our son’s discomfort IS THE problem, that he was the problem, and it is agreed by new woman and previous woman, by all of the people. What a sick mother fucker. Expecting our sons to tow the line for his new relationship, requiring them to make her feel welcome(perform comfort), like family.

After tearing our son down, his father was childish enough to say, “Well, there go my New Year’s Plans”…as if that is what matters at all- or is relevant and hinged to my sons. When a woman splits, that is on him, them, a failure by THEM to develop a sustainable and durable connection. If a woman of less than some number of years even tries to blame our sons, she is toxic and good fkn riddance. I intentionally waited 6 months before making mention of Sweet Greg. Then another two before making introductions, where we met at a park, and our boys could play and have space and then another four months before they saw one another again. It has never been the boys’ jobs to make Greg (or anyone) feel any kind of way. NEVER. We don’t intentionally manipulate people’s perceptions & feelings. And if it wasnt a good fit, we would just have continued to see each other only on kidfree weekends, for as long as it worked. I am not perfect at anything but I have allllllways put my children first, ahead of any other person, including my FOO (family of origin) and their own father. In true narcissist fashion, they rejected and punished such behavior. Thus the departure from those systems—and THEIR crucifixion of me.

Last night, there were dinner plans with the “woman of one month” and my son was panicked as the evening approached, knowing he would be persecuted and punished for literally being who and how he is. Not sanely or fairly punished like a natural consequence for rule breaking, but shamed and banished for failing to perform and to please and be pleased. He texted me early in the dinner to say “I am trying to be different and I can’t”. I felt crushed for him and was grateful to be surrounded by my people who are sympathetic and supportive of our sons. Fortunately, his aunt, who has some recovery sensed his struggle and was able to speak to and comfort him. She was one of the two sensitive truth seekers in her FOO and is familiar with the price to be paid.

THE emotional tyranny and obsession with his appearance is the legacy, the cycle, the curse of those who have gone before us. It must end.

My mother and sister similarly, I think, felt a certain kind of non-almighty-ness in the face of my observable discomforts and requests (not so unlike our son’s life experience). They were enraged by it, as if it touched on some essential beliefs about dominance and control potency and importance, about both the wielding of power and losing of power. And also somehow tied to their ideas of success and failure.

Each, overly invested in the idea of their own authority, and offended by anything and anyone posing to them, as an outside influence, like outside of their own ideas and desires.

As if they believe that their control shall universally be agreed upon and affirmed as unyielding and absolute, with no other option but to apply discipline in the firmest and most unequivocal of ways.

There was constant and collective resentment over my unwillingness to stop being so sensitive and assertive. Because our son is of similar composition and disposition (to me) I cannot help but worry. AND Favorite reminds me that he has something I did not. He has people(allies and witnesses), undeniably in his corner, me, Sweet Greg, Favorite and her family. Will it be enough, though?

Will I accept the truth of my experience or continue to break myself against it as I observe it in real time being repeated?

AND one more thing—Rather than correcting or acknowledging the damage of his words and behaviors, my sons’ father would judge only their sharing of the continued hardship and trauma imposed by him. I behave like a rabid animal at times, lose my shit completely, and have and would never consider telling or even suggesting to our boys to not tell their dad. A person’s experiences are theirs to share, explore, learn and heal from. Victim’s Children’s secrecy and silence are never part of the solution. Deep dep sigh. This is ALL so terribly familiar.

On Fidelity

I long desperately (as I do most things) for my boys to desire and believe in the best for each other (in time, I get that ages 13-15 may be difficult phases to put this into practice), for them to know and to choose fidelity and love. To me, Fidelity (and love also) is a principle and practice suggestive of: “I will not knowingly choose or even stand by for things which harm, diminish, invalidate, or pain you.” This may be rookie level understanding of loyalty and love, and perhaps this thing which I am trying to comprehend and articulate is simply the practice of being a good human-non-abusive. Like, I mean to empower and inspire my people rather than overpower and reduce them.… an all new tradition within my son’s blood lines. Witnessing and relating/living in this way, was first introduced to me, in my program of recovery. Principled living! Committing to static principles(a higher power) for guidance and direction, rather than the ever changing moods and whims of myself or others. Whoa!

This is a difficult time of year. My older son’s birthday, the holidays, and I thiiiiink the anniversary of my mother’s physical death. The division between the boys’ father and me did not begin with the betrayals in her final years, but was certainly exacerbated by initiatives of my sister and mother. It is hard not to feel like shit as I recall that and suffer the escalated tension and inability, as co-parents, to make these times the best they could be for our children. Our sons have two grandparents gone and going to their graves with their children not speaking to each other or to them. I am intent on disrupting this cycle. I expose my sons only to those, proven, over time, to be intentionally kind and loyal to those they claim to love. Also, I will continue unlearning all of the old shit and practicing all of the new. So tiring.

I hope to not live to see a day when our adult sons have turned or will easily and righteously turn on one another. Though, It feels nearly guaranteed. Nature and nurture weigh heavily against them.

In the process of writing, I realize it is not loyalty necessarily, that I am trying to get my head around. Because this elusive thing I strive to understand be, model for my children… It is not limited to only loved ones–but to living life as a genuinely good, upright citizen of humanity. Recovery(and Sweet Greg) taught me that I don’t have to like or feel pleased by a person to do right by them. Shouldn’t we each aspire to and be able to expect integrity extending to all people in our lives, where we walk our talk, speak truth and are kind? It seems like this could be considered common sense or common decency, when it is in fact not common at all. I continue with the work to mature spiritually and emotionally, quite late in life. Still, better late than never. Life on earth is v. hard. Jil an Catherine Ghoneim Whitney

NANEA HOFFMAN SWEATPANTS & COFFEE QUOTE: YOUR EXPERIENCES DO NOT NEED OT BE VALIDATED BY OTHER PEOPLE FOR THEM TO BE REAL AND TRUE.

Good Input

How have I provided good input for my children?  Who, in my child’s life is a reliable source for good input (consistently kind, considerate, trustworthy, loyal, present, protective, loving)…intentionally contributing to strong senses of trust, hope, belonging, confidence?  

When it is communicated that: what a child/person thinks/experiences/sees/needs/feels is not real or valued, this is bad input.  Continual bad input from people in positions of authority, compromises potential for development of creativity, confidence, hope, the ability to persevere and connect in healthy and sustainable ways. Communicating to a child any version of: “Not only are you incorrect about what you are seeing and feeling, you are bad for perceiving it that way AND for failing to hide it." is super fucked up.

When children learn to distrust and dislike themselves for their own perceptions and then also assume responsibility for the scary reactions by their adults, it stands to reason that they may give up on the idea that it is within their power to live a better life.

To expect or get our children to defer to us exclusively for TRUTH, may feel (for a narcissist) like a success: to have(posesss and control) children who do, feel, say, and like, only as directed—but in my experience and estimation, it is a tragedy – a nasty cycle worth breaking.

I witness the cycle begging to repeat itself with one of my sons and his father, who feels deeply offended and disrespected by anyone daring to openly differ. To a narcissist, one who does anything but smile favorably, agree, approve, admire, is an enemy– to be punished and eliminated. Because: When you are not making the narcissist feel good and important, you are (in their minds, opposing them) making them feel bad and this angers them.

The shame his father means to heap upon our son while favoring the other and creating division between brothers is familiar(literally—of the family) and vile. So grateful that my son has the option to safely share with a counsellor, Favorite, Sweet Greg, and me, the truth of his experiences.

As parents, we can be unknowing sources of bad input. Especially when we limit ourselves to doing only what we learned, know, and have always practiced, a generational curse. Foooooock, our sons have one parent who absolutley denies their own struggles, failures, hard feelings, and unwholesome contributions, while the other heads straight to the center of it- and remains there, in despair- a pathetic effort to prove the reality of the pain rather than just healing from IT and moving tf on. Yikes. Poor guys. God helpem.