Until you change your thinking, you will always recycle your experiences.

Before Recovery

Without recovery, I would still possess only the tools and beliefs of dysfunction; a fixed mindset with a Zero-sum mentality– all conflicts resulting in a winner and a loser. Winning and losing are suitable for games and wars, but not for safe and trusting relationships. I have no desire for relationships where one of us must lose in order for the other to win. I prefer the shared work of identifying a mutually desired and agreeable resolution—A Third Way.

I exhausted myself yesterday, saying NO, to a person who consistently proves unsafe for me—who adamantly rejects a third way- entrenched in the belief that if he wants it, he is entitled to it and if it hurts me, I deserve it. My calm and direct NO, free from fear, justification, volume, and profanity is one of the miracles of my recovery. It changed the game! Game over, actually. Previously, I would become relentlessly hysterical trying to make my NO be heard, worthy, understood–just admissable.

Today, I say NO— I openly communicate my boundaries. If a person attempts to force or override my boundary, the relationship is over—unless it is an essential one—like someone with whom I must co-parent. While I cannot fully detach from that one, I no longer choose to fight or to submit. This leaves a gaping hole of silence which used to be filled with the fighting. As I am mentally and spiritually maturing and healing, I recognize how healthy & wholesome people hear and say “No” regularly, without fighting, fear, shame, guilt, reprisal. AND fuck the smiling coward clowns who offer cool maybes or fake yesses (in the name of positivity) and then just never do the thing they agreed to. Passive aggressive dishonest bullshit. Ew. Very triggering. Developing and honoring clear boundaries has not been a particularly popular or painless way to live, within a system where some are required to shrink so that others may swell with a sense of elevation and authority.

I love love love when Sweet Greg disagrees or tells me NO, I typically rebuttal respond by saying “I don’t understand how….”. His standard and brilliant reply: “You don’t have to”. Muah! What a stud! No heat, no fight, just boundaries like a badass. Recovery and Sweet Greg remind me that I don’t have to understand or agree with person’s boundary to respect it. That is some magical wisdom. I seriously did not know, as I had not witnessed anything like this before recovery.

I worry that, through examples and genetics, my sons could become inflexible, greedy, social climbing, addict lying fuckers who will do or say anything in order that they have their way. I also worry that they will become passive aggressive menaces to those who displease them. Entitlement is some scary shit.

At least there is a widely available, wonderful, life-giving solution to the matter of addiction. I would not feel sad to have a friend or family member also benefitting from the love and wisdom of any 12 Step Program.

Your Growth scares people who don't want to change.

September 7

The deep seated angst of hoping and begging for peace and resolution- was relieved on the day which I received notice, by a lady whom I barely know, of my mother’s departure from his world. Today is her birthday.

I located details for her service, from the online obituary link, emailed to me by my gloating ex husband– AND I showed up- because my recovery teaches me to do a right thing, no matter how I feel. My mother’s family collectively used this occasion to put me firmly and publicly in my place— outside. I demonstrated for my sons HOW I willingly choose to do a hard and very unpleasant thing– when it would be much easier not to. I have zero regrets about my words and conduct around this situation. Though– the whole thing is regrettable. I am proud of how my sons saw me behave, and sad for the divisions that this service illuminated for them. Their family of origin not acknowledging or including them or their mother— their father present and having nothing to do with them/us.

Seeing my ex husband listed as one of my mother’s survivors is a vile reminder of my sister’s manner. I am sure my ex feels thrilled by the sentiment behind that gesture. How is that even appropriate?

I am ever grateful for the financial support of my mother. She poured tens of thousands of dollars into rescuing MY house from my ex husband, in our unnecessarily litigious and costly divorce. There was literally nothing to fight for. I alone, entered that marriage with money and assets—the house was mine and he just needed to get TF out and pay child support based on state calculations. I asked for nothing– and like my sister, he wanted war and victory, not peaceful resolution—Zero sum game for him—I needed to lose in order for him to feel as if he won. They are two peas, for sure. Kindred spirits. 100%. Thanks to both of them, my children have lost the most.

Fortunately, in recovery, I learned that acts of gratitude involve paying IT forward not being indebted and having to pay a person back, by agreeing to things which are unwholesome and hurtful. I think it is has been expressed that if I were truly grateful, I would have accepted the unacceptable-just taken my licks(for being who I am). I do not agree. If I borrow something I will of course, return it without prompting. But when you offer something, you do not get to extract whatever you like in return. That is dirty, sick, secret emotional contract bullshit. I will not abide.

We relocated cross country and I served my mother well as she neared the end of her life. The most wholesome badass thing I had ever done. I was glad to be able to spend several days a week keeping her company and attending to her appointments. It was neither easy nor enjoyable, as her illness and treatments did not erase or fix our very troubled family dynamic. I was yielding, only to good orderly direction, which is its own kind of reward. Intentionally choosing to do the hard things is how we develop courage. I love my courage the most amount. One day at a time, I am breaking sick cycles and generational curses.

Introverting

To be introverted means that I prefer solitude and derive energy from quiet time, alone.  I don’t completely hate socializing, but it is often too much for me and reuires days of space to recover.  I would not ever favor a social or group activity over something with another person or two, or by myself.  I am depleted by interactions, even with my most favorite people.  I neither love nor hate this about myself. I accept it, mostly without judgment, which allows me to honor my boundaries around self-care and sanity.

Extroverts are energized by group activity, social engagement, and talking– while I am left drained. I require time and space to shake out the messages, thoughts, needs, vibes, and sensory impacts of proximity and involvement. I do not experience loneliness or FOMO. I can miss a person and still not be lonely. The most lonesome times in my life were all family occasions from my earliest days, holidays, birthdays… and most days in my unfortunate marriage. Also, I endured an unwanted, if not humiliating sense of aloneness before the age of 40, as I had not yet experienced nor learned emotionally honest, healthy, safe and sustainable connection.

I often worry for my Sweet Greg, as he enjoys talking and also is shy with most others and rightfully expecting to socialize with me. I have guilt about my overt disinterest in non-essential and non-(mutually)interesting matters.  He shows no signs of duress or resentment, but I still wish I had more willingness or resilience for everyday chit chat(this term seems harsh-but I don’t know what else to call it. I judge only myself, here) or even pleasantries.

Talking and listening tire me more than they make me feel connected or close.  Though, having come from an environment in which shunning and silent treatment were common, I was confused about the value and meaning of silence and SO, for much of my life, I could and would not shut TF up. Weird fast anxious non-stop talking.  Because— When THE talking (to or with me) halted, it typically indicated unspeakable trouble.  Only in recovery have I discovered the magic of wholesome and peaceful silence and solitude.

What I now understand, only as a result of adulthood and recovery, is that I am intensely introverted – mentally and physically compromised by overexposure to (most all) others.  And that I am worthy and capable of peace and authentic connection. Some might argue that I am not introverted, since I am not shy and can be quite social.  

Learning about myself, my children, others, and relationships– is never-ending. We are each unique in how we experience people and the world, not just emotionally, but how our actual nervous systems receive and process information. What a trip.

My first steps were on eggshells photo text meme

uniformity v. solidarity

You are either in agreement with (like) us or against us.”  That mentality is the ancestral curse and cycle which I strive to crush, one day at a time. My pre-recovery, short lived, and highly intense relations were established on perceived synchronicity or uniformity: a shared urge, or common enemy.  I had learned to recognize these as appropriate foundations/ proof of belonging & connection. It was unsustainable, though.  Those fierce and fast entanglements, shallowly rooted in glimpses of sameness, consistently fizzled without explanation or died swift and confusing (for me) deaths. We are the same and belong together OR we are different, and one of us is wrong and bad.

You must know, like, believe, feel and choose a particular way. This is how we earn and keep our place, sense of belonging on the inside instead of the outside –to remain undivided from the invisible army and the royal we. This type of connection, I have learned, is called trauma bonding.

I think Anne Lamott or Brene Brown once shared how the the opposite of faith is certainty.  In recovery, we learn to develop and practice faith through examination and release of THE things we have known and believed(about ourselves, others, god, love, connection, goodness)—things of which we were absolutely certain.  In recovery, we come to see that much of our beliefs have been fear-based, untrue, and destructive- handed down through generations of fearful people, desperate to feel in charge of the knowing, in order to feel strong, safe, right, and in control.  Uniformity and synchronicity were their assurances. Those clinging to these fixed mindsets may often be both politically correct and morally & spiritually undeveloped.

I realized today that one of my favorite things is discovery of a thing which I have been righteously wrong about. Because I prioritize my learning and expansion, I refuse to miss out on either– by staying too busy in my knowingness and rightness. Sweet Greg and I enjoy the best laughs when we realize and own that we have been incorrect, misguided, ill-informed about a thing, especially something we have felt terribly right about. One of our only real conflicts ended with him saying to me: “I am sorry, I was too busy being right. ” For the record, he is rarely the one in need of apologizing. And when he does falter, how he handles that is extraordinarily charming and lovable. We are not the same at all and not always in sync. Still, we enjoy immense loyalty and solidarity, I think because of our shared commitment to self-reflection, growing, learning, healing. One of us though, still has much more of all of those things to do than the other. Deep sigh. I am a work in progress.

Saying how you feel or what you need will never ruin a healthy connection.

Pain

My grandmother visited my childhood home a few times a year and I alllllwaaaays looked forward to her arrival. She was radiant, popular, and very important. On rare occasions in which I appeared calm and not needing- she would reward me with a glimmer of her light and a smile. In that moment, I felt warm, seen, wanted, and a teeny bit less unsafe. I. had. earned. her. affection. Yaaay. I would say I spent 90% of my time with her, feeling the chill of her deliberate shadow. When she did openly appear to approve me though, so did the rest of her family. So cool. Right? Total Acceptance. Only, not!

But then, I would get a feeling or a need and her “light” would be abruptly turned off or away. Emotional whiplash– one moment enjoying approval and something like connection (for having randomly pleased or amused her) and the next, feeling demoralized, abandoned, anxious. There was no doubt that Grandmother’s approval was essential– but I could not grasp or even come close to meeting the elusive requirements. I am by nature; intense, anxious, uncomfortable, almost always tired and hungry and also a “picky” eater. … a real asshole. Actually, those things do not make me assholey. I do believe that my reactive behaviors to being collectively treated as bad and unworthy, made me one, for sure. 

I was the cautionary tale, the youngest of cousins/grandchildren and with not even a mother to count on as a trusted ally. The division was clear. Those pleasing to grandmother and those who did so less– or not at all. My actual being challenged and frustrated my mother– which caused her mother anger with me, and this upset all of the people. What. A. Mess. 

My sister, a favorite of Grandmas, the oldest of the cousins and grandchildren, embraced a role as diminisher of anyone, daring to express or elicit differing and/or difficult feelings. This is how the family version of peace was maintained.  Observable discomfort was openly judged, mocked, shunned. Literally, nobody overtly objected to this style of management. For a moment, I almost feel compassion for my sister. She was, after all, probably only trying to secure her space, on the more favorable side of the crosshairs.

My sons’ father comes from a similar family dynamic. Silent treatment and ghosting are classic and unifying tactics for those unable to tolerate honest expression of pain: pain which they personally experience OR pain which they caused another. BECAUSE —

Pain and difficult feelings are caused only by assholes

and

felt only by broken, delusional, losers.

Honest, open expression of pain is strictly inadmissible. 

If I say no to someone and they get angry, it does not mean I should have said yes.

What is Schadenfreude?

Though I am intimately familiar with the energy and attitudes which I have always identified in the “serves you right- types”, I have only just now discovered the term Schadenfreude.   I find it fascinating that there is no English equivalent for:  pleasure derived by someone from another person’s misfortune. I will not lie, I have definitely had Schadenfreudey moments of my own, and am not yet equipped to effectively use this word in a sentence. But I find incredible relief and healing each time I learn language for things which previously defied articulation. 

My program of recovery has me frequently, if not obsessively checking my motives to see if I am being honest with myself about myself and my thinking.  I questioned if reporting the details of my story which shines, what I would consider to be an unfavorable light, upon the actions of my female sibling, is some version of Schadenfreude.  It is absolutely not.  If illuminating actions harmful to my children and family might help to reduce the occurrences, that is neither punitive nor pleasing, just sane self preservation– and is also not self-promotion.  If an image-obsessed person feels that their actions may judged unwholesome and harmful and worry about being perceived unfavorably, then- it makes good sense to share in this way.  This is a desperate attempt to stop the bleeding.

In a few of our final exchanges, about 4 years ago, my sister, immediately prior to her alignment with my ex, enjoyed reporting to me about her co-worker named Allison, whom she did not care for.  My sister proudly boasted knowing exactly how to get Allison G. to “quit or to cook her own goose”.  Within a few days, Allison gave notice and on her last day of work, she crashed into an ambulance while driving away.  My sister expressed how comical she found this in a text, using the LMAO emoji with a car behind an ambulance.  She was victorious.  I suspect that on some level my sibling was informing me of exactly how powerful (she thinks) she was/is.  My failure to find her impressive or intimidating was probably similar to Allison’s.  I often think about finding Allison, just so I could tell her how she did not deserve or imagine being treated badly.  It can feel traumatic and shameful to be diminished and disregarded, even while possessing the intellectual understanding that– other people’s behaviors and actions are NOT about us.

Seems as though entitled people feel that saying No to them or exercising a healthy and non-negotiable boundary is deserving of negative consequences and will go to great lengths to administer them (They will try hard to SERVE YOU RIGHT, if you fail to revere them). Dare to honor yourself- AND- when they get angry, double TF down.

Liz Listens Your growth might make people uncomfortable.

Affiliations and Attachments

Because I was raised without healthy sustained connection with my care givers, I attempted to build an identity around attachments and affiliations-  which would not ever satisfy my need for safe and nurturing connection. I had no idea how to identify or participate in safe connection. 

My program of recovery is where I first was introduced to healthy and appropriate ways for relating and connecting:  to discern a standard for wholesome, benevolent, and acceptable conduct within non-essential relationships. 

By doing the work suggested by my program, I became able and willing to trade my sick marriage and family affiliation for healing and sanity: emotional and spiritual wellness. In recovery, my relationships were either fortified by my spiritual commitment–or they died natural but still painful, if not violent deaths. The losses of those affiliations and attachments were exactly as devastating as they were intended to be.  

An unshakable connection to my sponsor and a power greater than myself, allowed me to stay the course of recovery.  As it turns out, I am more driven by truth and connection than avoidance of pain and punishment.  This is what I have come to know as my Good Orderly Direction. My finding is that– the people who feel themselves in charge of pain and punishment are not FOR me.  I understand why my commitment to change agitates them.  My recovery fails to elevate them. In this way, I am rendered not only useless, but also offensive. They preferred it when I was losing my shit and yelling profanity in response to the pain they imposed. My inability to cope allowed them to continue defining themselves (and me) the way they need to.

In my 20+ years in and out of touch with my sister, I observed with a fleeting and pathetic sense of comfort (grateful when it was not me) and horror as she persecuted various females in the family– cousins, nieces, sisters in law, aunts— routinely mocking, gossiping about, and passively, if not overtly diminishing them. When I openly declared my refusal to engage that way, she came hard for me. Similarly, I watched in pain as my husband experienced alienation for his failures to comply in his affiliations with his sisters. My sister’s unsurprising alliance with my (NOW ex-) husband(a man who she knew to have harmed me) has forever compromised our ability to co-parent our boys. In her mind, I guess, she won. I don’t think he will ever admit it or do the work to repair his part in that, but I believe he recognizes the price to be paid for snatching at that lowest hanging fruit. The aim was to alienate me and boast attachment and an affiliation that would crush me. It did crush me and our sons.

Maryam Hasnaa Quote I do the inner work to be in integrity with myself not for others' approval. I will always work on myself and it will never ever be so that someone will love me.

Kindness Is Not Conditional

In relationships, if it is conditional, it is not kind. I can think of nothing more confused and distorted than my early ideas about kindness and connection. I literally, for more decades than I am comfortable to admit, confused kind people for people wanting to be in a relationship with me and non-kind people as enemies; out to get me. Painfully childish. But how could I have known differently?

I did not learn to discern kindness as a value practiced by some, and not by others. I understood it as something to be earned and withheld.

Recovery informed me about kindness and service as values and practices, choices to be made, daily. Today, I recognize how other people’s behaviors(kindness, or lack of) are about them. It is legitimately possible to not prefer or be pleased by a person—-WAIT FOR IT— and still not be unkind. I feel extremely proud to be mature enough to now practice and receive kindness, with grace. THIS was the beginning of self esteem and self-worth for me.

I am so grateful to finally know and do better. What a miracle. If you have not yet learned about kindness and service, you too, can reparent yourself with any of the 12 Step Programs. I cannot recommend them enough. There are actual steps to living your best life and people who are willing and eager to support you– free of charge and unconditionally.

I was only able to behave with genuine kindness after being encouraged and taught (for the past 10 years) to practice appropriate self care. I had to learn to be kind to me. Because… when I hate me, I probably also hate you.

To be clear, kindness and friendliness are not the same. Friendliness is how you appear. Kindness is who you are. I often experience friendly types, as enjoying and relying on gossip and flattery for social lubricant. While socially acceptable, I recognize these as unwholesome and unkind behaviors: Red Flags, for someone like me.

Some ecards Quote When we avoid difficult conversations, we trade short term discomfort for long term dysfunction.

Or Else — Bring it

Oh, Like a lightning bolt- it struck me, again. How much, extremists of any sort can not “tolerate” peaceful protest or resistance. To them– to not conform to the forced consensus or to resist their agenda– must be acts of hostility– a war. “You are either with me or against me. I will take you down if you get in my way.” EW!!!

In my family and marriage, it was not welcome/tolerated to openly resist or object to their status quo. Overtime, this made me increasingly hostile & reactive. I remained in a state of constant brittle agitation over having expression of my needs, experiences, and preferences treated as invitations to battle and debate or as purely inadmissible. War or silent dismissal–the way it is done, in each of those systems. Sickening. Literally.

How upsetting peaceful resistance is for entitled controllers. As they recognize that it is inappropriate to respond with their standard flexing: threats, big guns, and retaliation. So, they will escalate the situation to justify “any means necessary”. Righteous folks are quick to feel offended by an invitation to collaborate with someone who openly differs in mindset or belief. They will designate a confrontation as an attack or dismiss it entirely- refusing to engage as equals -EVER. They simply will not be influenced by or open to things, not of their own design or choosing. I understand that I am not qualified to diagnose, but everything I read indicates that THIS IS NARCISSISM.

I am mentally recounting in my head my saying no to things that did not work for me, requesting alternative arrangements- and recalling with full blown PTSD, the immediate blowback of having done so. It always was exactly this way. Shut TF up or else. Get in line or get small.

Only a badass will hold and respect clear boundaries. A coward (Cowards and bullies tend to be one in the same (I have first hand experience as both)) may smile kindly and say yes, while passively calculating ways to not do the thing they are agreeing to, or they will scheme to indirectly undermine the thing to which they have only mentally rejected. Open dialog appears to not be a possibility with the coward, the bully, the narcissist.

I am literally thrilled by all of the people uniting in peaceful protest- ALL OVER THE WORLD, right now. Fiercely courageous and willing to say and do difficult and scary things. I learned courage and willingness in my program of recovery. These two qualities have cost me relations with people who need to be revered as in charge or else. I say Bring it. I will always roll the dice on the Or Else. My reverence cannot be purchased, extracted, or forced.

My Brother In Law- the Trustee of my mother’s estate, has still not responded to my inquiry from 2 weeks ago. It feels as though my options are: to let my child go without what he needs or to ask again so that I may be told off or ignored. You can probably guess which I will do. Updates to follow. Fusho.

The similarities between the dysfunction of first my family of origin and then my very similar marriage and our current state of affairs in this country are undeniably parallel. I find this oddly comforting. “These systems are not broken. They are working exactly as they were intended to.” Not sure who spoke these words, but I love them.

Be The Reason

Seems as if stonewalling and gaslighting are techniques intended to erase a person, to obliterate their spirit.

Stonewalling is a tactic used by bullies to control a situation; to isolate, humiliate, and frustrate a target for attempting to address and resolve conflicts. Accusing the target of a mental deficiency, harassment, or even bullying are other methods of asserting dominance; intimidating the target and discouraging punishing objections to unkindness. Stonewalling is actively refusing communication, stalling, or evading, to avoid revealing information and to escape accountability.

Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic used to gain power by making someone doubt their own perception, memory, and sanity. Typically imposed by a person in a position of authority or trust, it may look like this: 

deception and misrepresentation of information

denying actions and words  

using sacred information or people against you 

inconsistent words and actions

triangulation

smear campaign

claiming to be a victim and feeling justifiably harmful

insisting that the injured/ persecuted person is overreacting or overly sensitive

Whew. This is a difficult week. So grateful it is a short one. I needed to contact my sister’s husband, the Trustee of my mother’s estate, to request coverage for bills from specialists for one of my sons. I also inquired basic information regarding the trust. No response, a very delayed one, or an unfavorable one seem likely. Historically, this is how my direct requests or assertions are handled.

I also communicated to my sons’ father some painful details and a plea for some parental participation from him. I texted on Saturday and have heard nothing. No response. At all. It seems they had hoped to erase me and to have the freedom to make decisions about my children and my mother’s estate –with me feeling too uncertain and unworthy, to assert myself.

There is no monster menacing enough to prevent me from advocating for my children. That unrelenting purpose helped me to forfeit my shitty marriage and family of origin. I work hard and daily to put God’s will first, and it seems there is an expectation that I must revere and yield to ONLY them. Why would I though? I can think of no wholesome reason. Not one.

My sister and ex (and his sisters, also) each assume icky gifter and punisher roles, to establish their authority (or dominance???). I will not engage that way– hustling for kindness, approval, or non-abuse. Possibility of gifts and conditional acceptance, mixed with indirect threats of banishment are nasty– AF. I am utterly unmotivated by that.

I did allow my ex to effectively erase me from my own life and then watched in horror as he joined forces with my sister to continue the efforts. Fortunately, I now rely only on my spiritual program, Sweet Greg, and Favorite to guide and support me — They never need me bossed, punished, or erased. Goodness does not do, want, or even tolerate those things. By the way, there is no such thing as a silent ally. When we don’t stand up to abuse, we perpetuate and enable it. Oh yeh—PS– #blacklivesmatter and #fuckracismandoppression of any marginalized person.

I am feeling super pleasant and relaxed today. Ha! Hopefully, I will shake this off and get luvvy for dessert and then dinner with my SG, tonight.