Braving The Wilderness

Some people won’t love you, no matter what you do. Some people won’t STOP loving you, no matter what you do. Go where the love is. Unlearning, reparenting myself, redefining love. Love is kind, present, benevolent, unconditional. We are all human and fail at times and will blow it. When that happens, if we come from a place of love, as recovery has helped me to redefine, we make amends, commit to restoring trust. That is how we do it in the family and friendships of my making. Detaching from the rest has been judged harshly. And that hurts. But not nearly as much as being scapegoated, diminished, systematically and collectively erased. Fuck triangulation and any group that requires participation and submission to non-love. Entanglement is not connection. Blood and passing of time mean nothing. Kindness, healing, and recovery mean everything. I #gowheretheloveis Shared fear and disdain are no longer sustainable sources of connection. Shared trust, safety, compassion, and vulnerability are my criteria for staying or moving away. Fuck pleasing and pretending. It is not wholesome or badass. It is not for me. I am officially immune to fear of criticism and rejection. I have been well and repeatedly inoculated.  Listening to and reading the findings of Brene Brown give me the language and nourishment to stay the course, for myself and for my children.  The type of love my family offers/requires is not one I care to model for them.  It is literally sickening to my soul.  Celebrations and Emergencies change nothing and no longer pose for me, as invites mandates to attend.  I have the courage to stand alone, to rise strong, to Brave the Wilderness.  My life depends on my willingness to be brave and to act with acceptance for the facts.  The life of my boys’ mother is too precious.  Speaking up about pain is not THE problem for those interested and invested in healing and connection. AND Gathering around a well set table, decorated tree or even a coffin are proof of nothing. Challenging my right to exist is a line that will not easily be crossed.  I am 100% B.R.A.V.I.N.G. this life.  Are you?  

Brene Brown on BRAVING:

Boundaries: Boundaries are HUGE. In a nutshell, they help us let the good stuff in and keep the bad stuff out—“stuff” being people, experiences, information, emotional states, and more. This is a meaty topic and something we explore in more depth in the Be Your Own Hero course.

Reliability: Doing what we say we’re going to do, when we say we’re going to do it. Being aware of our strengths and limitations and acting accordingly.

Accountability: Taking ownership for our behaviour, including making amends when we make mistakes

Vault: This is similar to boundaries but important enough to warrant its own category. In Rising Strong, Brené describes this as not sharing experiences that aren’t ours to share. In other words, it’s a combination of refraining from gossip, demonstrating empathy for other people, and not getting sucked into drama-driven situations.

Integrity: When our actions match our words and when we practice our values rather than just profess them. In Rising Strong, Brené also includes “choosing courage over comfort.”

Non-Judgement: Being able to ask for what we need and talk about how we feel without being judged (and vice versa for other people).

Generosity: Extending the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words and actions of others.

How to cultivate self-trust using B.R.A.V.I.N.G  As Brené explains, we can also apply these ingredients to ourselves to get a measure of our self-trust.

Boundaries – Did I respect my own boundaries? Was I clear about what’s okay and what’s not okay?

Reliability—Was I reliable? Did I do what I said I was going to do?

Accountability—Did I hold myself accountable?

Vault—Did I respect the vault and share accordingly?

Integrity—Did I act from my integrity?

Non-Judgement—Did I ask for what I needed? Was I nonjudgemental about needing help?

Generosity—Was I generous towards myself?”

Braving is beyond wholesome and badass and too much for some.

You Are Either With Me or You Are Against Me

In a recent work encounter, the one employee that had been there longer than I, frequently laughed(but not joking) “Somebody’s gotta lose and it aint me”  That is the culture of this particular environment.  I realized how familiar this dynamic is and observed her frequently taking the bait to jump in the ring with the very aggressive owner. And she liked it, hated him but liked the drama and needed to be right.  After dealing with my ex and my sister, guided by the wisdom of my program of recovery, I have become deliberate in which conversations I will engage.  Anything inviting needless complexity, blaming, denying IS not for me.  I often interrupted a rant, to say “What action do you want me to take?  I am happy to do as needed.”  That almost always worked.  But this last one, he wasn’t having it, he was relentless in his need for battle, a win.  He wanted a submission.  I submit to God, my pets and my children.  That is it…oh and in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, I gladly submit as called for…but that is never a loss or defeat…never diminishing.  Just part of what we do.

After months of failing to wrangle me into the ring, my boss lost it…because in his mind one person must be right and win always.  You are always either a winner or a loser…and by me not playing, by his criteria, he could not be certain where he stood.  While my experience should make me expert at this– (sadly claiming my nearly 50 years of practice) I realize this is a technique/dynamic I no longer need to master.  Winning feels like losing.  Zero-sum game has never been for me.  I prefer a third way, a way to be in unity, in sync, sustaining connection via a shared value or purpose.  So, I offered to leave and return Monday if it could be different— or not at all if it could not.  He informed me, as he did the others who left in the past 2 weeks, if you walk out that door, it is because you are lazy and don’t want to work.  I said three times “The way you speak to me is hurtful and makes it difficult to focus on my work”  ” I cannot be spoken to in ways that are diminishing and be an efficient worker.”  Unwilling to acknowledge my invitation to talk it through, he came at me harder demanding engagement in a way that would force me to fight or defend.  I wished him a good weekend and walked out the door.  Thank gawd for the last guy who left and modeled for me:  Upon hearing “what….you don’t like working??”  he responded flatly, “not like this” and out he went.  3 of us in 3 weeks.  This is a 4-5 man operation tops.  Now two brand new hires and the owner remain.  Rather than continuing to try and be heard, I remembered my values.  I choose connection over being right.  I may be a ninja at deflecting that energy, but it is exhausting, and I can officially think of better ways to spend energy.  Additionally- for the type of connection I choose, there is no place for righteous and dehumanizing behavior.  I found the words below on this matter as it relates to parenting: by Jitterberry. (more…)

Death Wishing and Hopelessness

As one who is not social, I choose social media to seek connection with others who relate. No matter how much friends and BF love me, they have vastly un-similar family experiences. On Social Media, I exercise my voice, words, and confusion of otherwise alienating experiences in order to connect with others doing the work of recovery. (more…)

It is NOT NORMAL

Destroying children and families is not normal, I would argue. Triangulating with an ex husband and building a relationship on shared contempt for your “sister” is not fucken normal. No matter what. And this is just one of the observable acts. They used to have me convinced A) This is how things are handled by those in charge. and B) I deserve to be treated poorly and should shut up. I could not. I screamed. Raged. Drank. Binged. Purged. You name it. I lost my mind trying to get right with some shit that is 100% not right. And I took that thinking and way of being into the world. My refusal to tolerate or engage as they do unleashed the full undeniable wrath. For too long it was denied. As the only evidence of any problem was my inability to cope with things to which I did not consent and could not reject. I was a disaster. Terrified. Angry. Distraught. My recovery has illuminated our irreconcilable differences. Deep sigh.  I am intentional in communicating to my sons that there is nothing normal about what is happening and that it is not ok or their (my sons’) fault or responsibility.  While they must please their father to survive, they are welcome to express their true feelings to me.  He has no regard for their discomfort and the feelings they have sitting at a table with people who openly behave in ways that hurt their mother and do not speak of it or her.  WTF?  Fuck eggshells and big elephants in the room.  We share our truths here.  We talk about those elephants and that eggshells are the things that people are too afraid to speak of.  And together, we have nothing to fear…maybe that is why they wanted to divide us from each other.  The legacy of abuse stops here.  I will not quietly stand by while they are thrown into insane shark tank to eat or be eaten to sink or to swim.  
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Are You Effing Insane?

People inquire: “Aren’t you afraid people will think you’re angry, impossible, and insane?” And the truth is many people have thought that about me, and for years I was those things from having not learned how to navigate such trouble waters.  My family relied on me reacting poorly to abuse, with insanity, so they could justify being abusive.  Even if I am, does that make it ok to destroy my co-parenting relationship and to alienate my children?  I do not think so.  Now that I do not scream, swear, or threaten in response to being bullied, they are left only with their own behavior to contemplate…if they were capable or willing.  I stopped offering the gift of distraction with my outrageous reactions, years ago.  I learned to say No.  Period. It was the beginning of the end. (more…)

Stonewalling-How it Works

Stonewalling is a tactic commonly used by bullies wanting to control, humiliate, and frustrate a target who attempts to resolve a conflict through reasonable discussion or negotiation. Accusations of mental deficiency, harassment, and even bullying, are other typical methods of asserting dominance, intimidating the target, and discouraging objections to the abuse from both victim and bystanders. To the insightful observer, these behaviors reveal the bully’s true motivations.

I cannot help but marvel at the abundance of information on this matter and the unwillingness of so many to consider the validity and the reality of this abuse.  I will continue sharing and speaking up.  It helps more than it hurts.  Speak up.  Never feel ashamed when someone is abusive to you.  They will be sneaky about it and insistent that it is only your inability to understand or relate to the goodness of them.  Alienation and maintenance and denial of conflict are all part of the wizardry.   Abusers are elevated by the compliance and silence of bystanders.  I believe there are others who need and deserve elevation more–and will even be so grateful as to pay it forward.    Abuse is not justifiable.  Knowingly taking action and speaking words that harm others, particularly children is FOUL.  I can think of no other word–perhaps, criminal.

Relief Is Available–Name It to Tame It

http://www.janeclapp.com/attachment-deficiencies-and-emotional-hunger/

Living with lack of safe and secure attachment means we look for it until we find it. And, when we are particularly hungry due to lack of attachment food, we take what we find on the path. Our survival depends on it. That’s what our evolution has dictated until recent times. Not belonging to a tribe meant we might die.  And now, that’s how it still feels in our bodies.  Sometimes, the emotional hunger subsides when we realize food isn’t coming and we try to numb out sensations of hunger. We numb out all over because emotional hunger is a whole body thing. We need to not fall apart until our next meal arrives or is discovered. We find many ways to distract ourselves from real hunger for food, don’t we? Same goes for emotional hunger. But the numbing only lasts as long as it over powers our need to attach. Some people turn to stronger sources of numbing: food, drugs, work, spending money, gambling, sex, etc etc.

Yet the hunger grows as we get older, crying to be fed or to be healed. One or the other, isn’t it? The holes in us get bigger or smaller. They don’t stay the same. 

If we don’t heal our original attachment deficits, we might off load our emotional hunger onto our kids.

We might think we are loving our kids but we might actually be trying to feed our emotional hunger through the love and attachment we want our kids to have for us. Over involvement, resisting our kids’ individuating, lacking boundaries, thinking attachment means staying overly engaged in our kids lives as they grow into adults can be some signs. We can’t have emotional hunger truly fed by a partner so we will look at the next best thing, our kids. We might think we are loving our kids but we might be actually showing love SO THAT we get fed by them and they fill that empty space in us. Sometimes our kids will pick up on our holes and scramble to make sure we are ok because them being ok depends on us being ok.

Emotional hunger is a whole body, whole organism sensation. It’s painful. Empathic people feel other people’s pain. 

To feel it, we might be swallowed up by it. If we don’t have enough food, all we can think of is food, no?. If we didn’t have the safe and healthy attachment we needed in our childhoods, the emotional nourishment we need to grow our spirits and minds and hearts, it’s like trying to grow healthy bones out of empty calories, out of Fruit Loops or, even worse, saw dust.

We take it from people we know we should stay away from when in so many ways they show us we should turn away. Turning away means sitting with the ache of emotional hunger. We rejoice in those moments we feel full. But they don’t last. Attachment deficits leave holes in us that need repair. They need the spiritual power of grief to heal. They need the sting of pain or even anger to be signalled into repair. The kind of pure pain that isn’t clouded by dramatic endings or beginnings. To repair, the original source of these wounds needs to be felt and held and guided into a new type of wholeness that has nothing to do with getting what we really really wanted. They require giving up on those people we so wish could have or would have or should have but have no ability to repair the damage. We have to grow up now without the people we wished could have ushered us into adulthood as relatively whole, with heart and spirit bellies full of attachment food. 

That original pain is the alchemist. We can learn to come back to life to ourselves when we can see that living with that emotional hunger won’t kill us, won’t eat us up from the inside. Medicating it with temporary fixes never lets it repair. We can’t run from it. It’ll catch up with us eventually. Today, we have even easier ways to run from it like shopping for people in online catalogues coupled with sped up intimacy via constant texting and contact.  

Online dating is like Uber Eats for people living with an attachment deficit.

We can chase away the emotional hunger with a new fix. We never have to sit with it. We can escape with simply turning to our phones for some empty calories anytime we want. Sure, some of us with attachment deficiencies might ‘luck out’ and find ‘the one’ who can lead us to healing. I’m a skeptic though. The fantasy of THE ONE is another temporary cure for emotional hunger.  Even drifting off into the fantasy in our minds can fill those attachment deficits for moments at a time. We dissociate from our pain when we get pulled into the dream world that someone can permanently take away the pain of what we didn’t get.

There is hope.

We aren’t meant to walk this road to wholeness alone. Just like we weren’t able to survive alone from the time we were born, when we needed the emotional nourishment to grow a healthy spirit and heart. We can repair those holes with the help of people who get it. Childhood trauma and attachment experts get it, the ones who know we are more than brains and minds. They can be part of holding us so we no longer look for escape in dissociative behaviours that temporarily take the sting away.

Humans have experienced traumas from the beginning of our history. The difference now is that we have this pervasive idea that we should be able to recover outside a tribe or community.  There was always a healer in a tribe. We need to find our wise healers who know how to bring us into wholeness again. We need the wisdom and care and love that can’t be found in one person alone. We need each other. We can get enough attachment nourishment from people we don’t need to dissociate around, which includes the people from our original tribe that might be fast asleep from their own attachment deficits.

We can learn to replace our emotional hunger with a capacity to choose the quality of our nourishment. We can learn to say no to food that is empty and lacking. At some point, we might be able to sit with the feeling of waking up to our pain, like a leg that was asleep coming back to life. It doesn’t feel good for a while. But, at least we get the use of our leg back.

At least we stop filling ourselves up and never feeling full.  

by Jane Clapp (another hero)

 

Truth Speaking–Amen

Definition of amen  (this is highly relevant)

  1. —used to express solemn ratification (as of an expression of faith) or hearty approval (as of an assertion)

Dear Maggie,

 
I don’t know how many times we can tell you directly and indirectly, that the only problem is you.  You have always been impossible.   When people behave badly to you it is because you need to change….not because they have work to do on themselves.  It is not that they are incapable of being loving.  It is your unworthiness.  Clearly.  None the less, we would allow you to join US for dinner.
 
Meeting Randy and collaborating with someone who knows you to be as difficult as we do has been like a breath of fresh air.  Totally affirming.  As soon as you do as we like- transform yourself into someone who does not cause others to be abusive, and withholding, we will be ready to consider this healthy connection you claim to want.  Until then, there is really nothing we can or are willing to do.
 
It is not that we are unloving— so much as that you are and always have been unlovable.  As soon as you acknowledge this and get to work on it, we will be ready for something better.  If you have discomfort around us, that is your problem.  why must you try to make us concern ourselves.  Don’t you get it, you are responsible for your own bad feelings as well as for ours.  you have no power to change or discuss, only option is to pretend.  Just do it!
 
That you worked through a litigious divorce after a loveless marriage to move here in partnership with Randy is miraculous.  To have forfeited that just by being you and all that you may have said or done in the previous 4 decades is unfortunate.  We claim to not be angry but seize every opportunity to discuss with others your sins…that we are not mad about.
 
In spite of being the mean spirited bully you always have been, we would allow you to sit at our table.  You don’t even have to thank us.  The truth is we want access to your boys and will do anything to have it— but work though OUR mess.  Having Randy has been a nice way to circumvent this.  He is so willing and accommodating.  Even he might forgive you if you would just do as you are told. The boys are old enough to handle the added stress of this triangulation. 
 
Please stop asking to heal the damage.  The divisive email was necessary and we choose to be in charge of the division and expect you to just accept your lot and come when called.
 
 Just take your well-earned licks and chalk it up to sucking and saying unfortunate things over the course of your life.  You owe us.   We will never directly acknowledge or apologize for any word or action of our own. 
 
While we have compromised the quality of our relationships with your boys, we are confident that over time we can win them with cool gifts and parties and compliments..  Rest assured this email will go unanswered as do most or we will respond affirming our rightness and your unworthiness as Frank did 20 years ago and again from Catherine each time you refused an uncomfortable gathering over the last 10 years.  We hate the way you handle your pain AND are unwilling to acknowledge that we have anything to do with the strain you feel in our company. 
 
We like to tell others how you flipped out at our therapy session and had to leave the room.  We don’t tell them why or that you were pregnant and had an eleven month old– and miscarried on that day…just that you are a disaster.  Again, we would let you come back despite the fact we have insured you can never truly be comfortable with those included in the family email your sister graciously composed in order to save the family.    She would do anything for OUR family, including let you come back to it.
 
From,
 
The Collective

I was cleaning out my email and came across this affirming “sentiment” from my female sibling.  Affirming because for nearly 5 decades she undermined and diminished me while engaging in schemes and conversations intended to convey love, concern, and a true desire for peace and unity.  FOO always claiming it is I who misunderstands what is really going on.  That I don’t get it.  My confusion and delusion are the only real issues.  I totally get it!  And yes, that shit is confusing.

AMEN

So, Feeling distraught by the confusion and pain of the claims my sister makes, to want family in conjunction with her oppositional and divisive initiatives, I composed the below email- sharing how it looks from my side and sent it to my FOO from my work email address.  I wanted to let my mother and sister know how I experience them.  Foolishly, I anticipated a response, like OMG, how awful that you think that.  How terrifying and painful.  We must talk.  Sooooo, not what happened.

The pic shows my sister’s singular response of Amen, copied to my mother and me and the only concern expressed, after realizing they had exposed themselves, was “what kind of sicko would write that letter?”  Well, I suppose a deeply wounded soul would write that with hopes of being acknowledged or allowed to share more directly.  Would an equally good question be “What kind of sickO would say AMEN??”  or what sort of mother promotes this between her children?  After they understood that it was to/from me and that undeniable truth–  revealed unapologetically in writing– had been provided, there was no effort to elevate and no way to deny the state of things.  The thought of my children in their presence is nauseating.

Above is the email from me firstinitial.lastname@workemail….  (Since they never respond, I assumed they had me blocked from my personal email)   Remember, I wrote this!  They didn’t recognize the email address and approved of the sentiments to include me in their responses.  One more time my sister shows her teeth and her ass and everyone turns it around, as if that one word in response to that letter is anything but hate.

Oh wait, it gets better.  While there is no judgment or questioning of my sister’s behaviors devastate MY family, it is the widely held belief that she is of maximum service to us as a unit– and that my unwillingness to sit at the table with her or any group of people who behave this way is problematic, withholding, unreasonable, on my part.  Oh  Okaaay.  Who could survive and mange that for nearly 5 decades without being disturbed.  I own that I am deeply disturbed by this disturbing relationship.  To not be disturbed would be sociopathic, IMHO.

If I can capture her other wrathful other email in a pic, I may post at a later date.  She ccd all of her family and my ex-inlaws.  I just don’t see how she gets any credit for kindness or wholesomeness.  Her behavior right now today in the present is hateful.  The only miracle is in my knowing that is a reflection of her, not me.  Recovering from this, while living in close proximity requires a lot of sharing.

 

Our Feelings Can Teach Us

Aaaah Sweet Enlightenment… after having grown up being told people cause other people’s bad behavior…but not their good behavior. My recovery teaches me otherwise and this quote perfectly reflects recent encounters and connections I have had with people whom I was unkind to…before I knew better. ((( Before learning healthy ways of working through difficult feelings and managing myself– rather than wasting my efforts and will to become worthy of non-abuse connection with the people I was counting on.))) (more…)

Jeff Brown Wisdom on Spiritual and Emotional Healing

So many people get judged when they refuse to put their pain away. They get judged for showing it, for speaking it, for insisting on sharing their memories of abuse with those they know. I am not talking about those who overwhelm strangers with their stuff- I am talking about legitimate sharings with those they are connected with in daily life, including those who abused them. All too often, they are fed one repressive message or another: “Don’t look back,” “What’s done is done,” “Don’t be a victim,” “Your feelings are an illusion,” “Be strong.” What is ironic about this is that those who insist on embodying and expressing their feelings are actually the brave ones- unwilling and unable to live a false life. Their stuff is breaking through their defenses because they are tired of carrying the weight of buried truths. They want a healthier and more authentic life. Those who seek to shame their revealing are actually less courageous- turning to repressive mantras in an effort to bypass their own unresolved feelings and memories. If they can shut others down, they can remain shut down themselves. But shut down doesn’t take us anywhere good. If we don’t deal with our stuff, it deals with us. Speak UP!

This excerpt taken directly from Jeff Brown’s Face Book Page.  Jeff Brown-Soul Shaping.  Go there for more life saving, life-changing wisdom.  Thank you, Jeff Brown for Speaking Up!

And always remember, people that need to silence or diminish you, to debate the validity of your experience…those are not your people.  Be a light, speak up.  Sharing is caring–100% the wholesome and trademark behavior of courageous badasses, and too much for others.