Thanksgiving Thoughts for Those Contemplating No Contact

screen-shot-2016-11-24-at-7-50-32-amToday’s post is for those who are suffering; doubting their worthiness. Nothing like special occasions to revive the myth that we, the unlovable, must hustle for our worth- that there are pre-requisites for unconditional belonging and nurturing love. There are those among us who understand and embrace our responsibility to share our experience and courage to Change the Things We Can.

Holidays, birthdays, and my wedding too, were times of dread, anxiety, and despair, and of course shame for not being a more happy and light-hearted and good person. “What is her problem?” “Why does she have to ruin everything? Why must she be impossible?” “Why cant she just smile for the picture?”  Un-ironically(Is that even a word?), I knowingly entered into a marriage equally nurturing, mirroring that dynamic, which for the first 32 years of my life, made me long for death.  Call me dramatic, whatever.  This is my story.

Looking back, I see that I was ill for most occasions. Vomiting has always been my natural and given response to stress and an immense source of relief for me.  My body knows the truth–keeps the score. (more…)

Big Heart–Big Boundaries

screen-shot-2016-11-22-at-10-33-49-amMost of my life, I have wished for the ability to Act As If

Being intensely feeling in an insensitive world does have a priceless upside:   Informed and compassionate, I  support my older son (S1) who is also highly sensitive with neurological differences making him more vulnerable to sensory input as well as emotional energy.  Atypical wiring holds our Limbic Systems at full throttle 24/7 .  A constant state of “fight or flight” causes fatigue, and lessens resilience to stress.  In my family, two of the kinder labels for this, were difficult and thin-skinned.

 

Without familiarity, I would be unable, perhaps unwilling to protect and empathize as children deserve.  S1 becomes emotional over perceived  unfairness or unkindness occurring in those subtle and hard to name ways.  His large reaction can steal the show and focus might be directed at teaching shaming him into gaining control of himself–purely to avoid punishment.  With little inquiry or action around understanding the  subtle or mistaken “offense”.

 

Whatever the offense, it will go dismissed unaddressed by those not wired to understand.  Granted, there are times where he is overtired and ovehard timer-reacting…but not always the case.  He recognizes the difference and we get to laugh later when he is ready to share without shame, that he was too tired to cope and had decomposed into crazy cryer.  Demonstrating how it is real and ok to be sensitive allows him to know when it is necessary to seek serenity and safety  (more…)

Happy? Birthday

giftHello Friends,  Last month, my Darling stumped me with “So…what do you want for your birthday?”.

In a tone suggesting, “Please don’t make me think about it.”, my knee-jerk response was “I don’t know”.

Asked by some, “What do you want for your birthday?”, I might say:  “Nothing, really”, name something they’d enjoy getting me, OR roll the dice and share the truth-and wind up with a “gift” indicative of not being heard or valued. (more…)

Greasy Hair and Furry Legs

For so long, I might only shave my legs or wear good undies, outfit, or make up if I were to be seen by “someone good”.  Sad but true.  Now, I choose these things for me, for my own self-care.  Self care is unnatural for me.  So much easier to neglect myself.   I’m no longer motivated by the opinions of those once who wish to hand down their judgment or favor. Big News—the judgers do not have what I need. Their opinions are not my business and I need not turn to them to see where I stand.  I don’t need permission to take good care of myself and I don’t do it at them. I have learned to do it because it is responsible and satisfying. I am amused by my bragging of allowing my hairS to become greasy, my legs to go from prickly- to furry, to those who need to judge.

I recognize that there are times for which evidence of artful makeup, grooming, and outfitting are called.  Times where they are desired.  AND Times in which it is totally unnecessary to concern myself.  My worthiness is real, no matter. And my self-esteem tells me so. (more…)

Even the Best of Us

“Even the best of us are at least part-time bastards.”

By:  Mary Karr:  The Liar’s Club

What Is Needed…

screen-shot-2016-12-06-at-8-16-30-pm“People who are hurting don’t need Avoiders, Protectors, or Fixers. What we need are patient, loving witness. People to sit quietly and hold space for us. People to stand in helpful vigil to our pain.”

― Glennon Doyle Melton, Love Warrior: A Memoir

Keeping silent to keep the peace comes at to high a price.  Let us listen to each other.  Listening takes courage, patience, grace, humility.  Listening is for BadAsses.  I hope to become a better listener….and surrender my need too be heard.

THERE YOU ARE….BORROWED FROM MOMASTERY-BLOG BY GLENNON DOYLE MELTON

“There are two types of people – those who walk into a room and say: ‘Here I am!’ and those who walk into a room and say: ‘There you are.’”

This quote was shared by Glennon, and I of course, would like to paste her every word and thought right here into my own space. She is one WBAMF!   I wished I knew the original speaker or writer of these words.  Probably just spoken casually by someone very wise.

We Write Our Own Endings-Brené Brown

MANIFESTO OF THE BRAVE AND BROKENHEARTED
There is no greater threat to the critics and cynics and fearmongers Than those of us who are willing to fall Because we have learned how to rise.
With skinned knees and bruised hearts; We choose owning our stories of struggle, Over hiding, over hustling, over pretending.
When we deny our stories, they define us. When we run from struggle, we are never free. So we turn toward truth and look it in the eye.
We will not be characters in our stories. Not villains, not victims, not even heroes.
We are the authors of our lives. We write our own daring endings.
We craft love from heartbreak, Compassion from shame, Grace from disappointment, Courage from failure.
Showing up is our power.
Story is our way home. Truth is our song. We are the brave and brokenhearted. We are rising strong.

Brené Brown

Finding My Voice-and my lil pink axe


While striving to honor the authentic voice of who I am,  I have realized a profound  lack of vision for my life…no goals, other than to just hurt less…to feel and cause less pain.  In my family of origin and marriage, my pain was categorized for me in one of three ways:

  • pain I caused
  • pain I deserved
  • pain I imagined

For each of which, comfort was unavailable. (more…)

Unlearning-One Day at a Time

screen-shot-2016-12-06-at-8-50-52-pmIn my life I can’t help but marvel at the grim, if not blind determination to force people places and things to BE different from how Wrecking Ballthey are.  This behavior is typically paired with barely contained rage or smugness, dependent on the outcome.

This influence did not springboard me into a state of wholesome badassery,  Overly receptive to sensory stimulus and the emotional energy of others, highly strung, I have been mostly scared shitless and very reactive. 

WBA is my journal of expansion beyond what I have “known”, now living intentionally with NEW, kinder, gentler ways of being in the world.   With the close and constant proximity to Trusted Others I am re-parenting myself, growing into a spiritually mature woman. (more…)