Always a Third Way
In my family culture, when someone or something displeases you or interferes with your agenda, it is treated with the gravity of a criminal offense and the source is dealt with and diminished at any and all costs. Our family home was tense, reactive, hostile. There was screaming, hitting, name-calling, threatening–all standard responses to aggravation and disappointment. I assumed or was maybe assigned the role of the one– who was sorry for having/expressing uncomfortable feelings as well as for causing them for others. I thought if I was sorry enough, I could make it better. I was the sorry one. We all agreed to this. Once I no longer agreed to that, there was no longer a place for me. They will have to find a new asshole, a new person to take that seat, read from that script. My incessant requests for a third way are dismissed and have been reported to me as having been collectively assessed as “unworthy of response”. Oh Ok, then. (more…)
Ugh…my boys deserve much much more than they are being allowed. Deep sigh. I am more tired of this grief than anyone is of hearing 
about it. The most painful part is that my family denies that there is anything to grieve and that my need to do so, is further proof of my well-earned banishment, and overall defective and troublesome existence. I have committed to the process of releasing my family, all of them. I don’t know why I thought my mother’s cancer or my move here would have changed anything. It really did not, it changed my geography and my willingness to show up– to be of service at a critical time. And it allowed for my ex and my sister to get to know each other and to enjoy(while denying) a shared contempt for me. They both get the ultimate triumph at the expense of my innocent young sons. I divorced myself from each of them for identical reasons and now they are affirmed and gleefully(no joke) united. Seriously, is it acceptable anywhere for a woman to bond with her sister’s ex at sister’s children’s expense? I cannot help but judge. I see why my ex is into it. Totally. He is far more forgivable here than she is..I guess because she claims to care so deeply for family and my sons-but these actions are so diametrically opposed to family values or any values, really. When I asked him to step away so that maybe we could heal, he laughed and said; “Why should I? They have zero intent to work it out with you.” I suggested that he might then for the sake of our children. Deep sigh. 
I had believed myself smart enough and fully capable of being treated with indifference bordering on disdain while maintaining a strong sense of self-respect. I was wrong also in thinking myself practical enough to separate what they say I am from what I know I am. I have allowed myself to be treated as disposable. Believing I could fulfill this role while still protecting that sacred place inside myself that I know deserves better, more, different. But it doesn’t work like this. When someone shows you repeatedly how little you mean to them and you keep coming back for more, before you know it, you mean less to yourself.
Shane Claiborne’s amazing passage
a whole new set of tools. Spiritual Recovery teaches me that I have choices and responsibilities. Self-care falls into each of those categories. After having fled from my mother and sister 26 years ago, with zero intent for even a return visit, upon receiving news of my 84 year old mother’s cancer, I promptly relocated cross country to be of service to her, knowingly accepting risk of proximity to a raging and crafty sister was a price I braved, so that my mother could have the blessing of knowing her grandsons. And grand, they fucken are. I treasured the insulation of 2500 miles between my family of origin (FOO) and US.
I am missing the relief from my Brazilian Jiu Jitsu classes cancelled in honor of the holiday weekend. What happens in there is pure magic. The energy exchange is like nothing else I know. My need to roll today- is intense. The commitment to honor and humility on those mats is something close to♥ god and religion, for someone like me. 
I think I do an okay job many days of being faithful and kind and fiercely loyal and protective of my relationships with my sons, which is to to say that sometimes I don’t just lose my shit completely. I always always own when I have reacted poorly and assure them that they in no way ever deserve to be screamed at or spoken to as if they are bad or unworthy. Sadly, their innocence may get compromised when I have to explain that I am working hard to unlearn things that were practiced in my home, things I experienced daily and then took out into the world. Yelling, accusing, blaming, shaming, (fortunately shunning never became a practice of mine(with them)) I am learning kinder ways of being in the world right along side them. Motherhood teaches and requires me to learn all that I have been desperate to know and to feel. God bless, my sons for having to teach both parents so much. If they maintain their #selflove and #brotherlylove and #loyalty ?, then I have done my job, not perfectly but with total success. They belong to each other. God entrusted them to me for however long we have. They are not my property or my belongings. We are family. We love each other….love the verb. We share the values of kindness, loyalty, humility, authenticity. We stick close to those who are similar in principals. 
no matter how they get their guns or which restrooms they use, those wired for oppressing, exploiting, harming others will do so. I feel again sickened by those who want to legislate limited resource accessibility, to those in need and who are actively underserved and then judged for failure to thrive.
