Follow Your Heart- Be True and Honor Yourself

I am practicing saying no to anyone causing needless complexity.  Anne Lamott, in a graduation speech, wisely suggested to the graduates: “Refuse to co-operate
with anyone who is trying to shame you or steal your freedom, your personal and civil liberties, and then smirking about it.”

As my sister likes to say: “AMEN” . Click on AMEN to read more of her spiritual use of this word.  I suppose, why this matters is the conflict between her claim to want to be a family, depending on who she is speaking to, and what she is willing to say and do when under the beleif she is communicating excusivley to my mother, who fully supports her in this way of being.  Her smear campaign against me coupled with her forged alliance with my ex-husband while offering through pinched smile that I join them for celebrations(OR ELSE) is too much for me.  I will totally choose OR ELSE.  Always.

Detachment from insanity and abuse is not easy, but it is wholesome, good, right, and 100% Badass.  What do you need to detach from, to elevate the quality of your life?

The Matriarchal Family

Oh dear gawd, my mother, her mother, my aunts and my sister were the older females in my life. They treated me poorly and collectively agreed it was necessary. My grandmother was the worst…she was certain she could bully me into having a better relationship with my raging mother. She was like gas to our inferno relationship. I have never genuinely developed an appreciation for older women and suspect that is because I find them to be terrifying. I was grateful when I married a man whose mother had already passed on to her eternal place of rest. Hahaha—laughing but not kidding. I refuse to imagine how much more difficult our loveless marriage could have been. His older and Oedipal sisters fell right in line with that sort of fiercely righteous presence. Anne Lamott suggests we should flirt with all old people and go out of our way to engage them and to connect. Honest truth—all I can think is too much perfume and mean as fuck. I know it is not true and I marvel at those with loving aunts, great aunts, grandmothers, and meemaws. While I never had one, I might one day be one. Unlearning is not easy.  Opening my heart one day at a time is one of the many gifts of recovery.  Having a Greg in my life is a large part of why I have the courage to try.  He fills my heart and so- I have more to give.  I love you baybee!  You are most wholesome badass mutherfukkuh.  You give and nurture without expectation, and mostly without even thinking to do so.  100% Natural WBA.  Because of you, I breathe better and more deeply.  As I am also a recovering breath holder.  Learning how to breathe is part of my journey and makes me more badass.

 

Hallelujah Anyway–Anne Lamott with Reverend Chip Edens

The Five Rules of Being A Grown Up
By Tom Weston
1. You must not have anything wrong with you, or anything different about you.
2. If you have something wrong or different about you, you really need to correct it. You need to be able to pass under all circumstances.
3. If you can’t correct it, or change it in any way, you should just pretend that you have. It’s not a problem anymore. Good news!
4. If you can’t even pretend to have corrected the situation, you should just not show up, because it’s very painful for the rest of us to see you in your current condition.
5. If you’re going to insist on showing up, you should at least have the decency to be ashamed.


And that’s what every single one of us is against. Last night, I was able to attend Anne Lamott’s interview with Reverend Chip Edens. This is just one of the fantastic nuggets I brought back with me. A reminder of what we are all up against, those of us raised with untreated mental illness and addiction. My family of origin is clearly affected by these diminishing beliefs. My non-adherence will keep us divided. ?? I will devour this book as I dig deeper to find Mercy for myself-as directed by our hero Saint Annie!  Breathing is easier today, after having seen this in writing, heard it spoken by a Trusted Other, and been in a room with 1500 nodding heads.

What are the secret rules and codes that have been used to keep you playing small?  How will you avoid passing them on to your children?

 

Heaven Knows……

And I’d like to tell them to go fuck themselves…

My mother’s cancer, age, aging still have not served as a magic wand erasing the effects of continued harshness, which is either not “real”(imagined) or is well earned; my due.  There is no where to go with this, but to God and trusted others.  It has been expressed that my imagined or well earned injuries could be served well by the correct medication.  I think a little kindness and accountability would do the trick.  But I am no trained professional.  Believing my mental health or over-sensitivity as the only issue keeps them safe from having any responsibility to reflect on their contributions. (more…)

Pray for a Miracle

On and off, for decades, I wanted so badly to be like them and with them that I was willing to engage the sentiment that I was broken and unworthy, and should
show gratitude for moments of near non-exile, by becoming someone other than myself. That did not work. Trying this…

Understanding Unforgiveness- Repair or Release?

Forgiving those who knowingly continue to diminish the sanctity of my family can sometimes feel impossible. Reading and listening to every writer, healer, spiritual guide–seeking the help I need to stay inside my truth, inside myself-rather than becoming an unwholesome reaction. I am soothed by sage words of Desmond Tutu and his daughter Mpho Tutu as they delve deeply into compassion, humility, healing, forgiveness, love, and faith.  Over and over they share what it looks like to Repair or Release relations that are broken.

I cannot read this passage enough times, the relief and comfort of these words defies my articulation. This passage feels supportive of healing, specifically for those of us negotiating life with untreated mental illness and addiction—those who will or cannot consider doing the work of healthy repairs to damaged relations.

I will pray for the wisdom and courage to know when and then to do the work of Repairing(which requires mutual investment) and Releasing(also mutual investment, though perhaps not mutually preferred).

 

If you have suggestions for books or resources, which have been helpful in this way to you, I hope you will share.

 

One Day at a Time, They too Shall Pass

With each day and night that passes, there is one less in which we have to heal.  In this desire(to heal), I stand alone.  My mother, aunts, and uncles are at the age where mortality is difficult to deny.  I am deeply pained by the reality that funerals seem the only sane reason to join in a gathering of those who otherwise have expressed actively and passively; a demand need for me, only to pretend and to be less sensitive and less hurt.  Oh…ok.  The occasions will be awkward and I will need to call deeply on my courage, but I will show up and pay respects.  Apparently my limits for unkindness are unwelcome.  So, until then, I will stay away.  For now, this is how I respect their wishes and myself.  Interesting to note that because I find it unbearable to think that my time with my sons is limited to this time on earth, I must believe in heaven.  Yet, as it relates to my family of origin, I must believe that our time IS limited to time on earth.  Sad but true.

When my sons were 4 and 5 years old and they asked about heaven; if I would die before them and how they would find me “up there”.  Like magic I I knew to tell them “It will be like when I pick you up from school; the bell rings and I am waiting, you will look and you will find me, waiting, like I always am.”♥

No Solution- No problem

My lil canary dog–in tune with me, sensitive, present, and faithful.  Another 4 seizures/24 hours. When I engage the stress and despair of my family, he seizes. He is my barometer.

The dysfunction is an unpleasant fact to be accepted. Not a problem to be solved. No solution-no problem. Deep sigh.  Up, the white flag goes, surrendering to the GOMU, not to them….ever.  Surrender is the most wholesome and badass thing I ever do, as long as it is to a higher power that is NOT FEAR and not another human.  Fortunately, I can surrender them as many times as needed.  What is your higher power?  What motivates you to authentically be your best you?  To what do you surrender?

Surrender…. or Try Harder, More, Better

Resignation is not acceptance– and with my family of origin, this is especially challenging.  The collective action and message which remain consistent from them: “eff you, you are unworthy and bad– banished, but we will allow your sorry ass if you ever choose to sit at our table with us and accept the blessing of the seat we offer.”  I just cannot accept that offer….and am failing to extract a better one.  My sister insists it is her intent to have our family together for the sake of our mother but her actions have divided us all by 360 degrees.  My mother claims to want some family unity in her lifetime but dismisses me at every turn.  I do not want to be seated at a table with people who treat me as unworthy of acknowledgment and love.  I guess it just hurts.  

The Imaginary Letter-The One That Never Comes

How many fucken times will I need to surrender this?  I cannot stand that  she never has to be accountable for her behaviors and words and the wakes of destruction that she unflinchingly justifies and defends as necessary because of something someone else says or does.  She is incapable, not by her own fault but the culture of our her family.  Radical non-forgivers can never own their own unfortunate and damaging choices.  No intention of setting things right.  Her remaining untouched by her own bad deeds really messes with me.  Somehow her refusal to acknowledge her part makes the old me want to step up and own it all as I did in the past.  Nobody wants less pain—just a demand to ignore and deny harder and more.  Ugh.  Writing this letter supplied me with the adrenaline I needed to start this day.  Thank you, Jilan!  I would move forward in a hot second if we could bring some shared good will into our hearts.

1.5 hours later….still cookin 

Yours Truly,

Magda Gee♥