Loving Myself, Unapologetically, and Without Permission

After last week– which required two vet visits, paw infection, antibiotics and a cone(to scrape the freshly painted walls) for one of the dogs, two pediatric visits, one for bulging ear infection and the other a fractured wrist, a stomach bug, while in mid escrow on TWO homes, transitioning jobs and a super fucked up family arrangement in which my female sibling offers the option to betray me to my ex-husband, who for obvious and unspeakable reasons, seizes the opportunity, (more…)

The Shit Before the Shift

Waking each morning already engaged mentally in conversations with my mother pains me, unsure if we have ever really had an actual conversation, in which we were both fully present and engaged with each other. All of these mental dialogs (Me pawing again and still at my mommy for love) center around me trying to get seen, heard, validated, accepted, instead of silenced, dismissed or banished- always intense and strained and white knuckly, with the two of us in agreement on only one thing…I am and have always been the source of the “eggshells”, tension, misconduct, and harshness of those with whom she feels close.  My recovery illuminates for me, the untruth of this sentiment and I can no longer abide.  The shit has to happen before the shift can happen.  The fall before the rising.

What is also odd is that my father, who passed 30 years ago, rarely enters my mind.   I am touched occasionally by only shreds of distorted memories of fighting and weird little gifts and gestures, both of which meant the world to me in the moments in which those things bound us. What were we doing between the gifts and the fighting?

I wonder how much time is needed to grieve all that was and will never be. I wonder why I am the only one to fully experience the gravity of this….I guess it is my job to foot the bill for all the damage caused by my unfortunate existence. Actually, fuck that. I recently heard that the scapegoat is the one who cannot keep quiet and endure all of the brokenness in a system that demands you to keep quiet and endure. I am officially unapologetic for having held that role. Because of THIS, I get to live and parent differently from all of those with whom I am genetically linked who adhere to the codes of silence, blame, shame, triangulation. (more…)

We Don’t Have to Feel Starved

On Saturday before Braziilian Jiu-Jitsu Class, we stopped for Chick-Fil-A( a huge treat, right?). My older son took one bite and said “I don’t like it”. Will you please make me burgerS with avocado and tomato when we get home from class? And this is how it goes. I always offer my sons foods they like, maybe not their favorites or the thing they are currently in the mood for, but never “offer” the two choices of: NO food OR whatever I provide you, regardless of what feels palatable (and with a
generous serving of shame and guilt for what a pain in the ass you are)…no matter the inconvenience.   Sustained hunger, for us, creates difficult energy and unnecessary stress.  The boys had a playdate scheduled straight from BJJ. S2 was ready because he ate his Chick-fil-A. S1 returned home with me for burgers with avocados and tomatoes.  (Note:  I totally get that what tastes delicious on one day may turn my
stomach on a different day, makes no sense, and yet—it is true.)  Totally unreasonable things are often true!!! Have I mentioned my sister and my ex?  Ach!  Anyhoo,There is ALWAYS a third, often less convenient and totally doable way.  Anything for my boys, within reason.  Letting anyone of us become too hungry is guaranteed discord.  Who needs or wants that?  We can fight about so many other things, but not this.  I choose the relationship over being food boss. (more…)

Nope…I can’t

I cannot help but marvel as I observe so many people unable to give a clear and direct #NO I think the #fear #shame #guilt #aversion speak to the need to APPEAR ? easy going.  Keepin it chill– but #noresponse OR 4000 #excuses for why “probably(or even definitively)”  you cannot or will not do a thing, is #bullshit needless complexity.  I am good with No.  

And a solid “Nope” with an extra pop at the end really says it all.  (Nō“P” ) Those who cannot say no (even when it is 100% the only true answer) also do not tolerate it well.  So, #beware and #bereal.  Saying No is not mean.  Having boundaries and being direct is a time saver and shows respect, though possibly not reverence and submission as required by some. (clearing throat, not naming names or pointing to my #foo) #boundaries and #directCommunication are for
the #wholesome & #badass
But too much for others. #sayno#sayitwithlove

Victims of physical,emotional or sexual trauma will spend a life time learning how to say No without fear.  Perpetrators will find ways to circumvent No and any sort of clear boundaries….  whatever it takes to have what they feel entitled to.  I guess that is their journey.  Boundary having and respecting is for the wholesome and the badass and too much for others.

 

You Do Not Have to Stand for the Pledge

High profile people(athletes) taking a knee with hand over heart for the pledge and speaking truth to bullshit in peace and with love is breathtaking courage and faith.  The message of “I love my country and all of its people.  I believe in equality for all and that means taking a stand(knee) for those without a voice.”  That is the wholesome badassery that I live and strive for.  Of course this is uncomfortable for those who insist that loyalty is politically correct and willing to pretend everything is ok or ignore and remain silent to the fact that everything is not ok.  This is neither loyalty nor patriotism.  That is systemic fear and shame cloaked in righteousness.

In recovery, I am learning how to live responsibly, to stand up for myself and others with civility and without standing against others.  I am finding a voice to express my truth without screaming, (too much)profanity, or diminishing those with whom I disagree, no matter how offensive I find their behaviors.  I no longer have to resort to the legacy of those old ways.  Nor do I have to remain silent or enter into active denial about  behavior which is dehumanizing, belittling, shaming.  My recovery teaches me to change the things I can– and to accept and share about the process, including acceptance(meaning do not fight against or with) for the things I can neither change nor accept.  With program principles, everybody’s voice is invited, needed.  Nobody’s voice is more or less valued.  We enter from a position of “We will work on this until…We will keep having hard conversations, and listening to understand and seeking transformation if not resolution.”  The zero-sum game, my way or the highway, “You are with me or against me”–To that I consistently respond with “When you are ready to have a longer conversation, I am here, and willing.”  The dynamic in which the oppressor throws down the gauntlet  is intended to squelch dissent, open discussion, and problem solving through considering opposing views.

In that arrangement, even the truth does not matter.  The focus is on what one person thinks, claims, demands, not the facts or even a shared value.  Brené Brown discusses the use of FALSE DICHOTOMY for those seeking power and rightness:  Either you do and think this or you are _____________________.  This is meant to be intimidating, to even those who are not being targeted by playing on the fear of banishment, disconnection, and belonging and possibly becoming a target for the shaming and belittling.

Take a knee.  Take a stand.  But just remember, what you settle for is what you end up with.  So many Sunday church goers and pledge standers whose value for appearance is greater than their respect for character.   Political Correctness does not equal moral goodness.  My sister has been dishonest and dishonorable in her dealings with me since I was quite small. I honestly believe that she feels her greatest achievements are NOT BEING ME or like me and marrying UP.  I think she has become confused into thinking that by marrying a wholesome and upright man, a judge, that she is vested by proxy.  It does not work that way.

She wears all white, stands for the pledge and throws a nice dinner.  Those things are true.  What she has done to divide our family is also true.  I will not stand for that.  I cannot change that but I can share and heal through it and use it all as a cautionary tale for my sons.  I share the sentiments of WBA Viola Davis:   “I will not put what you say about me– on my load.”  I also will not pretend you did not say it.   “I will not be a mystery to my children.  They will know me.”  What you do to me and to them is a part of my story, mine to tell.  If you want a different ending, I am here to co-create WITH you.  Always.

I feel strongly about the facts of what has been expressed in no uncertain terms spoken and written(otherwise easily denied), and continues to happen at the expense of my boys.  And yet, I would listen to understand and find that third way.  The old me would just say Fuck you.  You are a bully.  Your white 365 apparel is as awkward as your interest in my ex.  My children do not like you and had to be forced to write the greetings and salutations of Dear and Love on recent thank you notes to you instead of the TO and From which they originally wrote.  They do not find this arrangement to be dear or loving.  Check yourself.

But I am in recovery now, so I will not say those things because they are shallow, petty, and reactive.  I am striving toward wholesome badassery. a work in progress.  I am not unaware of how the last paragraph may be lacking in wholesomeness.  I own my anger and my healing.  Healing is messy!

 

Sorry Not Sorry

Recovery has given me back to myself.  Trying to grow up among people grimly determined to erase me or have me be small and to show only certain parts of myself– on demand, was the ultimate identity theft.  As I learn better, I do better.  I am surely and infinitely sorry and amending damage I have done.

But I am not sorry for my existence and will not flex or deny my boundaries for those whose desire is to righteously diminish me, in the presence of my young sons, while creating tension between their father and me.  I am sorry  for them, and for my sons, that this is truly the best they can do and that– it is not nearly good enough or wholesome enough to be imposed on my children.  They are not here to pay the imposed debt of my existence and failure to manage appearances and resilience to treatment that would make most people physically and/or mentally ill.  Today, I re-commit to expansion–unapologetically.  In my FOO, they have not yet made the distinction between being displeasing and being downright damaging.  I own that I am displeasing and that it has never been my job to please.  It is not what I am here for.  At all.  I am here to serve, to love, to be honest, to parent my children and love my partner fiercely and with loyalty.  Thank you, Sweet Greg for being my courageous companion in expansion.  xo

Braving The Wilderness

Some people won’t love you, no matter what you do. Some people won’t STOP loving you, no matter what you do. Go where the love is. Unlearning, reparenting myself, redefining love. Love is kind, present, benevolent, unconditional. We are all human and fail at times and will blow it. When that happens, if we come from a place of love, as recovery has helped me to redefine, we make amends, commit to restoring trust. That is how we do it in the family and friendships of my making. Detaching from the rest has been judged harshly. And that hurts. But not nearly as much as being scapegoated, diminished, systematically and collectively erased. Fuck triangulation and any group that requires participation and submission to non-love. Entanglement is not connection. Blood and passing of time mean nothing. Kindness, healing, and recovery mean everything. I #gowheretheloveis Shared fear and disdain are no longer sustainable sources of connection. Shared trust, safety, compassion, and vulnerability are my criteria for staying or moving away. Fuck pleasing and pretending. It is not wholesome or badass. It is not for me. I am officially immune to fear of criticism and rejection. I have been well and repeatedly inoculated.  Listening to and reading the findings of Brene Brown give me the language and nourishment to stay the course, for myself and for my children.  The type of love my family offers/requires is not one I care to model for them.  It is literally sickening to my soul.  Celebrations and Emergencies change nothing and no longer pose for me, as invites mandates to attend.  I have the courage to stand alone, to rise strong, to Brave the Wilderness.  My life depends on my willingness to be brave and to act with acceptance for the facts.  The life of my boys’ mother is too precious.  Speaking up about pain is not THE problem for those interested and invested in healing and connection. AND Gathering around a well set table, decorated tree or even a coffin are proof of nothing. Challenging my right to exist is a line that will not easily be crossed.  I am 100% B.R.A.V.I.N.G. this life.  Are you?  

Brene Brown on BRAVING:

Boundaries: Boundaries are HUGE. In a nutshell, they help us let the good stuff in and keep the bad stuff out—“stuff” being people, experiences, information, emotional states, and more. This is a meaty topic and something we explore in more depth in the Be Your Own Hero course.

Reliability: Doing what we say we’re going to do, when we say we’re going to do it. Being aware of our strengths and limitations and acting accordingly.

Accountability: Taking ownership for our behaviour, including making amends when we make mistakes

Vault: This is similar to boundaries but important enough to warrant its own category. In Rising Strong, Brené describes this as not sharing experiences that aren’t ours to share. In other words, it’s a combination of refraining from gossip, demonstrating empathy for other people, and not getting sucked into drama-driven situations.

Integrity: When our actions match our words and when we practice our values rather than just profess them. In Rising Strong, Brené also includes “choosing courage over comfort.”

Non-Judgement: Being able to ask for what we need and talk about how we feel without being judged (and vice versa for other people).

Generosity: Extending the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words and actions of others.

How to cultivate self-trust using B.R.A.V.I.N.G  As Brené explains, we can also apply these ingredients to ourselves to get a measure of our self-trust.

Boundaries – Did I respect my own boundaries? Was I clear about what’s okay and what’s not okay?

Reliability—Was I reliable? Did I do what I said I was going to do?

Accountability—Did I hold myself accountable?

Vault—Did I respect the vault and share accordingly?

Integrity—Did I act from my integrity?

Non-Judgement—Did I ask for what I needed? Was I nonjudgemental about needing help?

Generosity—Was I generous towards myself?”

Braving is beyond wholesome and badass and too much for some.

You Are Either With Me or You Are Against Me

In a recent work encounter, the one employee that had been there longer than I, frequently laughed(but not joking) “Somebody’s gotta lose and it aint me”  That is the culture of this particular environment.  I realized how familiar this dynamic is and observed her frequently taking the bait to jump in the ring with the very aggressive owner. And she liked it, hated him but liked the drama and needed to be right.  After dealing with my ex and my sister, guided by the wisdom of my program of recovery, I have become deliberate in which conversations I will engage.  Anything inviting needless complexity, blaming, denying IS not for me.  I often interrupted a rant, to say “What action do you want me to take?  I am happy to do as needed.”  That almost always worked.  But this last one, he wasn’t having it, he was relentless in his need for battle, a win.  He wanted a submission.  I submit to God, my pets and my children.  That is it…oh and in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, I gladly submit as called for…but that is never a loss or defeat…never diminishing.  Just part of what we do.

After months of failing to wrangle me into the ring, my boss lost it…because in his mind one person must be right and win always.  You are always either a winner or a loser…and by me not playing, by his criteria, he could not be certain where he stood.  While my experience should make me expert at this– (sadly claiming my nearly 50 years of practice) I realize this is a technique/dynamic I no longer need to master.  Winning feels like losing.  Zero-sum game has never been for me.  I prefer a third way, a way to be in unity, in sync, sustaining connection via a shared value or purpose.  So, I offered to leave and return Monday if it could be different— or not at all if it could not.  He informed me, as he did the others who left in the past 2 weeks, if you walk out that door, it is because you are lazy and don’t want to work.  I said three times “The way you speak to me is hurtful and makes it difficult to focus on my work”  ” I cannot be spoken to in ways that are diminishing and be an efficient worker.”  Unwilling to acknowledge my invitation to talk it through, he came at me harder demanding engagement in a way that would force me to fight or defend.  I wished him a good weekend and walked out the door.  Thank gawd for the last guy who left and modeled for me:  Upon hearing “what….you don’t like working??”  he responded flatly, “not like this” and out he went.  3 of us in 3 weeks.  This is a 4-5 man operation tops.  Now two brand new hires and the owner remain.  Rather than continuing to try and be heard, I remembered my values.  I choose connection over being right.  I may be a ninja at deflecting that energy, but it is exhausting, and I can officially think of better ways to spend energy.  Additionally- for the type of connection I choose, there is no place for righteous and dehumanizing behavior.  I found the words below on this matter as it relates to parenting: by Jitterberry. (more…)

Death Wishing and Hopelessness

As one who is not social, I choose social media to seek connection with others who relate. No matter how much friends and BF love me, they have vastly un-similar family experiences. On Social Media, I exercise my voice, words, and confusion of otherwise alienating experiences in order to connect with others doing the work of recovery. (more…)

It is NOT NORMAL

Destroying children and families is not normal, I would argue. Triangulating with an ex husband and building a relationship on shared contempt for your “sister” is not fucken normal. No matter what. And this is just one of the observable acts. They used to have me convinced A) This is how things are handled by those in charge. and B) I deserve to be treated poorly and should shut up. I could not. I screamed. Raged. Drank. Binged. Purged. You name it. I lost my mind trying to get right with some shit that is 100% not right. And I took that thinking and way of being into the world. My refusal to tolerate or engage as they do unleashed the full undeniable wrath. For too long it was denied. As the only evidence of any problem was my inability to cope with things to which I did not consent and could not reject. I was a disaster. Terrified. Angry. Distraught. My recovery has illuminated our irreconcilable differences. Deep sigh.  I am intentional in communicating to my sons that there is nothing normal about what is happening and that it is not ok or their (my sons’) fault or responsibility.  While they must please their father to survive, they are welcome to express their true feelings to me.  He has no regard for their discomfort and the feelings they have sitting at a table with people who openly behave in ways that hurt their mother and do not speak of it or her.  WTF?  Fuck eggshells and big elephants in the room.  We share our truths here.  We talk about those elephants and that eggshells are the things that people are too afraid to speak of.  And together, we have nothing to fear…maybe that is why they wanted to divide us from each other.  The legacy of abuse stops here.  I will not quietly stand by while they are thrown into insane shark tank to eat or be eaten to sink or to swim.  
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