One of the hardest skills to master is saying no to yourself so that you can rise up and unfold into a greater you: No to the patterns/ways of being that only lead back into the past No to distractions or lack of consistency No to only doing what is easy No to doubt and fear Yung Pueblo

Learning to Say No to Yourself

Natural consequences are outcomes that happen as a result of behavior, which are not planned or controlled. For example, if a student cuts in front of another student in line, the natural consequence may be that the other child won’t play with the “cutter” at recess.

If the student who was cut in line, decides to harm the cutter- to get revenge: That is not a natural consequence, that is retaliation. I know this seems basic— but there are literally grown ass adults who seem to not understand this. Before recovery, I definitely practiced righteous retaliation because that is what I had witnessed and learned and then what I married(Karma??). I am unlearning.

Logical consequences are different from punishment in some important ways: Logical consequences may be planned in advance by a parent, teacher, or law enforcement. They are not reactive or angry responses. One example might be if a child breaks curfew, they may lose the privilege of going out the following night. Logical consequences offer something more valuable than the tyrannical message of “You will pay”.

My younger son(age 11), so bright and agile in all ways, seems literally unable (or unwilling) to differentiate between blackmailing and natural consequences.  After being mean and mocking to his older brother (age 13), refusing to stop when asked.  Big Brother elected to not share his highly treasured RC charger with him for a while.  Natural, right?? When you are diminishing to me, I will need to protect myself and my belongings from you until trust is restored. I will want space from you. Little Brother remained mad about his loss of access to the charger, taking no ownership for his part..feeling only victimized and punished but not sorry for being cruel.

When my sons walk the dog, Big holds the leash and Little picks the poo.  Little was agitated that his brother wanted to wear ear buds and listen to his pod cast and insisted he would only pick the poo, after Big Brother turned off the podcast.  WTF?? (A recent but not great example of what it is like)

Later that day, Big Brother loaned Little his RC battery and when he went to use it himself, it was no longer working.  Little brother was like “I did not do anything to it.  He said I could use it.” Since I encourage sharing, I offered to replace the battery, thinking Little would offer to help pay after hearing that when a person or their belongings are compromised by something we do, we have a moral responsibility to make it right.  He did not offer.  

I think Little Brother may be afraid to accept that certain ways of being are harmful and wrong– because it would be too painful for him to admit that his father consistently behaves in ways which have observably negative consequences for our little family.  Behaviors are wrong though, not people.  Our behavior is our choice.  (THIS is exactly why I am excited to begin my study of Ethics.  I must discuss and understand this matter deeply.)

I continue to marvel and stress over my inability to get more buy in from him, for healthy boundaries and accountability. He has too many well dressed models doing only as they like and claiming to be victimized by natural consequences. Models who feel vested with the right to impose punishment on those who displease them.  My son is literally being groomed by and for narcissism and addiction.  I am terrified. Screwing people over and taking what is not yours, is not a natural consequence. There is only one reason to behave that way…lack of mental and spiritual development and wellness.

When my ex did the knowingly harmful Christmas thing, mentioned in previous post, I elected to no longer inconvenience myself in the name of service to him.  That is not a punishment or revenge, but a sane effort to distance myself from a person who is decidedly harmful.  

There also seems to be a lack of discernment for harmful v. displeasing.  Hellllp!  I may not be able to break this cycle of dysfunction–but I will certainly disrupt it. What I hope for my boys: They will choose kindness and honesty (and health and happiness too, but healthy and happy are results and consequences, while kind and honest are daily choices)

I will close by saying that if you are unhappy or hurt about something someone did, there are moral and responsible choices. Confront them directly if you wish to restore trust and to heal, or move TF on. Gossip, reprisal, and retaliation are dark, immature, and sick. Be better than that. I am learning one day at a time what it means to make wholesome choices – to say No to things that pull hard at my desire to retaliate or to choose the thing which is easy and familiar. I cannot take revenge without diminishing myself and I refuse to do that, anymore. The urge is sure there, though. Boy, is it. I am a work in progress. I can do hard things.

Natural consequences are outcomes that happen as a result of behavior that are not planned or controlled. For example, if a student cuts in front of another student in line, the natural consequence may be that the other child won’t play with the “cutter” at recess.

If the student who was cut in line, decides to harm the cutter- to get revenge: That is not a natural consequence, that is retaliation. I know this seems basic— but there are literally grown ass adults who seem to not understand this. Before recovery, I definitely practiced righteous retaliation because that is what I had witnessed and learned and then what I married(Karma??). I am unlearning.

Logical consequences are different from punishment in some important ways: Logical consequences may be planned in advance by a parent, teacher, or law enforcement. They are not reactive or angry responses. One example might be if a child breaks curfew, they may lose the privilege of going out the following night. Logical consequences impose something more valuable than dominance and external control.

My younger son(age 11), so bright and agile in all ways, seems literally unable (or unwilling) to differentiate between blackmailing and natural consequences.  After being mean and mocking to his older brother (age 13), refusing to stop when asked.  Big Brother elected to not share his highly treasured RC charger with him for a while.  Natural, right?? When you are diminishing to me, I will need to protect myself and my belongings from you until trust is restored. I will want space from you. Little Brother remained mad about his loss of access to the charger, taking no ownership for his part..feeling only victimized and punished but not sorry for being cruel.

When my sons walk the dog, Big holds the leash and Little picks the poo.  Little was agitated that his brother wanted to wear ear buds and listen to his pod cast and insisted he would only pick the poo, after Big Brother turned off the podcast.  WTF?? (A recent but not great example of what it is like)

Later that day, Big Brother loaned Little his RC battery and when he went to use it himself, it was no longer working.  Little brother was like “I did not do anything to it.  He said I could use it.” Since I encourage sharing, I offered to replace the battery, thinking Little would offer to help pay after hearing that when a person or their belongings are compromised by something we do, we have a moral responsibility to make it right.  He did not offer.  

I think Little Brother may be afraid to accept that certain ways of being are harmful and wrong– because it would be too painful for him to admit that his father consistently behaves in ways which have observably negative consequences for our little family.  Behaviors are wrong though, not people.  Our behavior is our choice.  (THIS is exactly why I am excited to begin my study of Ethics, this week.  I must discuss and understand this matter deeply.)

I continue to marvel and stress over my inability to get more buy in from him, for healthy boundaries and accountability. He has too many well dressed models doing only as they like and claiming to be victimized by natural consequences. Models who feel vested with the right to impose punishment on those who displease them.  My son is literally being groomed for narcissism and addiction.  I am terrified. Screwing people over and taking what is not yours, is not a natural consequence. There is only one reason to behave that way…lack of mental and spiritual development and wellness.

When my ex did the knowingly harmful Christmas thing, mentioned in previous post, I elected to no longer inconvenience myself in the name of service to him.  That is not a punishment or revenge, but a sane effort to distance myself from a person who is decidedly harmful.  

There also seems to be a lack of discernment for harmful v. displeasing.  Hellllp!  I may not be able to break this cycle of dysfunction–but I will certainly disrupt it. What I hope for my boys: They will choose kindness and honesty (and health and happiness too, but healthy and happy are results and consequences, while kind and honest are daily choices)

I will close by saying that if you are unhappy or hurt about something someone did, there are moral and responsible choices. Confront them directly if you wish to restore trust and to heal, or move TF on. Gossip, reprisal, and retaliation are dark, immature, and sick. Be better than that. I am learning one day at a time what it means to make wholesome choices – to say No to things that pull hard at my desire to retaliate or to choose the thing which is easy and familiar. I cannot take revenge without diminishing myself and I refuse to do that, anymore. The urge is sure there, though. Boy, is it. I am a work in progress. I can do hard things.

Brene Brown Quote Stay awkward, kind, and brave.

What Sort of Person Behaves Like That?

I am devouring (binge-watching of course) The Morning Show on Apple TV.  What a trip to watch Jennifer Aniston killing it, as the beastly narcissistic Alex Levy- an interesting deviation from her usual, kind and highly lovable on and off screen personas.  

Reese Witherspoon’s character, Bradley Jackson, is Alex’s on-air partner and ongoing source of vexation. She is absolute badass and wholesome, pure of heart.  Bold, rough around the edges, living out loud-  unapologetically transparent and challenging.  Unafraid of conflict, resolution, compromise, and direct communication. She is passionate, ethical, and comfortably imperfect.

As I reviewed my 2019 miniseries binge history,  I made a list of my heroes: those whose lives courageously bump hard against a type of righteous and ruthless narcissism, which seems to have been nearly normalized.

Peggy Olson – Mad Men

Zoe Barnes – House of Cards

Jesse Pinkman (I know, he is a meth dealer and murderer) – Breaking Bad

OfFred – Handmaid’s Tale

Cullen Bohannon – Hell On Wheels

Reyna James – Nashville

Coach Eric Taylor and his wife Tami – Friday Night Lights

Each reminds me of who I was born and in recovery, am now striving to be:  wholesome, humble, courageous truth seeking and speaking – willing to ask difficult questions and make unpopular statements, typically at great cost to themselves—Willing to be awkward and incorrect–choosing to sacrifice themselves rather than others- all without claiming credit or victimhood.  

AND having their asses kicked repeatedly, does not motivate even the slightest consideration to compromise principles and morals.

Who are your on(or off)-stage heroes and why? I am now beginning a list of writers and activists whom I appreciate also for similar reasons. I hope to post soon. Anne Lamott way at the top, fusho. My favorite humans are merciful, kind, willing and able to admit when they have messed up. They possess the fortitude and good will to do the work of repairing. My heroes are compassionate, sensitive, reflective, benevolent—and messy.

Bye Bye 2019

My first full year as an official orphan (in which I was banished by literally every blood relative) truly flew and I am going out on a high note:

-Cleanly extricated from a vexing arrangement with the ex

-Endeavoring into a graduate program of study, purely for personal interest–and with all approved time off, necessary to attend class.

-Approval has been granted for the Tuition Assistance Program offered by my company

-Donated my blood today and loved it

-And have just been dismissed from work early, in order to begin preparations for bringing in the New Year with my Sweet Greg. Tomorrow marks the 4 year anniversary of our first silent hike (my favorite kind). I have faith that 2020 will be good. I do not usually feel this way. Ever.

Happy New Year to you and yours!

Recovering From The Family Disease

Discovering that there is a name for this disease of perceptions and relationships, was the beginning of my healing. Every meeting offers the gift of hearing and sharing about matters, which once defied articulation and remained off limits for discussion. Finally!! No longer alone, ashamed, guilty, terrified. I began to heal.


In each meeting we are reminded that we don’t cause it and cannot cure it. We slowly let go of the painful myth which insists that we imagine, cause, deserve(and my favorite): we are too sensitive to those things which hurt us. The sick culture of “the problem/abuse/adiciton/lies(…) is not a problem—ONLY your reaction is the problem”. We, who find recovery are blessed beyond measure, others will develop reliance on blame, denial, and self soothing substances and habits. Recovery allows us to transcend pain, rather than extend the pain to others. Healing or offloading seem to be the only options. This type of damage and pain does not heal itself and time does not undo or change it. It requires work—-Ongoing focused commitment to the work of examination, self reflection, amending, and active healing.


All Twelve Step Programs teach healthy and sane choices for how to live life, freeing us from the need to control or fully understand the insensitivity, dishonesty, secrecy, and pretenses which naturally flow from life in a family who has been affected.  The disease of alcoholism/addiction is generational and toxic patterns are passed down. Even if it is a grandparent, aunt, or uncle with addiction or mental illness of any sort, IT affects and shapes every member of the family. Nobody is spared. Recovery offers simple steps, principles, and practices for how to Live and Let Live, One Day at a Time—no matter what others do or do not do.


Live and let live—I practice this best, by doing one next right thing at a time:  (appropriate) self care(upkeep and maintenance—not gluttonous and avoidant self soothing), my actual responsibilities, and appropriate service (not enabling or people pleasing). This allows me to live my own life, experiencing as much serenity, grace, and mercy as possible.
I struggle to follow this Good Orderly Direction when my practice of faith is weak and my obsession (with what others are or are not doing) is strong.

I admit to feeling obsessed over continued unwholesome BS of my sister and ex– which perpetuates and widens our division as co-parents. I am deeply pained over how it continues to affect our children. Their father made a knowingly harmful and divisive choice. And in turn, I elected to terminate a long term favor to him– which was already unpleasant and stressful to me– AND– his only effort to examine this natural consequence— was to ask our son why he told me. How is it possible to feel both unsurprised and shocked by this?? It is the disease, cunning, baffling, powerful. I read recently that: after vilifying a person, there is only one thing left to do, wage war. I refuse to engage their war. I do my recovery/life — one next right thing at a time, the best I can. But fuck, I sure would like to retaliate. My shreds of recovery stop me. I also kind of obsess over what I am rumored to have done which allows people to tolerate or justify their harmful behavior. This is the culture of alcoholism.

I love love love that my boy courageously responded to his father’s condemning inquiry: “What–Was I supposed to lie to her?” His father’s response: “I guess not”. I feel possessed, utterly. AYFKM? Do a shitty thing and then try to shift blame onto a child for your own fucked up choices and natural consequences. Here is my recovery—-When you become a source of harm to my family, I will not come after you, I become unapologetically less accessible motherfukker. Oh AND Hey, I have an idea: Don’t be a sneaky coat tailing, social climbing, money grubbing shit and don’t involve children in things which harm them. I AM So fucken powerless and deep into MY Step Zero, this morning. I may not be my most wholesome or badass self at this time. I am aware. I will continue working on myself.

Back to Step One

I have definitely lost touch with my higher power, indicated by my obsessive and anxious rehearsing and rehashing, the afterburn of having stood up for myself. Today, I must journal hard– about all of the things, over which I remain powerless. In my powerlessness, is my freedom. When I rely on my faith and recovery, my anxiety wanes and the quality of my life is elevated: AND I am able to rest peacefully in the satisfaction that my side of the street is clean.

The arrangement with my ex, in the last month, has literally sickened me(spiritually). I wanted to help him AND THEN for him to appreciate (BE SOMEONE HE IS NOT) or at the very least recognize and respect (AGAIN, BE SOMEONE HE IS NOT) my willingness to do so. I see that was my unwell thinking and should not feel shocked or hurt by the fact that he is still exactly who he has always been and promises to be. I am indeed the crazy one for having expected or hoped for anything other.

I am keenly aware that reprisal and retaliation are to be expected.  In my family of origin and his, clearly communicated boundaries are perceived and responded to, as a call to war. After all, who TF do I think I am?  

Such a bummer for the boys(and me)—We were juiced up on the holiday vibe and then– the thing.  Not only did he choose the hurtful thing, he chose to involve our children–selfish, dirty, unnecessary. I will be unsurprised if he finds an undesirable alternative for them and then presents that to them as the natural consequence of them having told me.

I have pre-empted this by telling our sons that he was lucky to have had my help and that he knowingly chose to jeopardize that by doing the thing and then involving them. My agreeing to help was foolish and stressful. The clear option to stop, presented itself, as a natural response to having our lil family treated as inconsequential. To those things and all people who CHOOSE to live this way, I say No More (for me). You be you, over there, on your time, in your space.

I am off to journal with actual pen and paper, now, as I have slipped deep into my spiritual malady- which tricks me into believing that I have the POWER to control anything besides my own attitude and behavior. I am powerless.

LR Knost Instagram Post No More. That's Abuse, not peace

No More

So-  In my desire and pursuit to be merciful, I foolishly agreed to a highly undesirable arrangement for myself. I did so, in an effort to be of service to my boys’ father.  On each of the days in the two weeks which I provided my support, he consistently took more than what was offered with neither apology nor gratitude.  Once again, I had confused being merciful and useful with allowing myself to be used and manipulated.   In my stomach, I felt knots of tension, anxiety,  a feeling of being trapped in an unwholesome circumstance/dynamic.  I discussed the issue with friends and in meetings.  I prayed and journaled, seeking clarity on how to do “the next right thing”.

And then on Christmas Day, he generously provided the gift of clarity. He, while benefitting from my support and inconveniencing me– elected to do something knowingly harmful to US.  And (drumroll please) here is my recovery:  I resisted the delicious urge tell him about himself –even a little.  I communicated the following – something I had previously felt afraid to say.   I texted:

“Merry Christmas.  Just wanted to give you a heads up. I can no longer keep the boys in the mornings and afternoons on your weeks.  I am willing to help for a week or two more, while you find other arrangements.”

Things that continue to be Hard AF: Holidays, Recovery, Boundaries, Co-parenting with active and untreated addiction. Trying not to obsess, also feels nearly impossible.

12 Concepts pps 39-40

Conviction and Compromise

“One qualification for useful life is give-and-take, the ability to compromise cheerfully. Compromise comes hard to us all or nothing types.  Never the less, we must never lose sight of the fact the progress is nearly always characterized by series improving compromises. Of course we cannot always compromise. There are circumstances in which it is necessary to stick flat-footed to one’s convictions until the issue is resolved.  Deciding when to compromise and when not to compromise always calls for the most careful discrimination.“

A Book Club Must Read

Just thrilled to have found and reposted this meme on instagram, if only—-for one commentor’s response: “Each time I try to appear normal, or pick up their energy thinking it’s mine… I get exhausted, ill, or totally screwed up. It’s a theatrical effort. We’re different.” ALSO–The facial expression on the guy in the image is funny AF– and the genius creator of this meme is my new hero. My bar for heroism is still quite low. Remember, I am recovering from over an over developed appreciation for cleverness.

I have finished pretending and trying to shave off or hide parts of myself for approval or the illusion of belonging. My self improvement has nothing to do with needing to present myself in the image of another human. I now have a god–and it is NOT the approval or disapproval of others. The system of rewarding likeness and diminishing differences is a cycle– like a highly infectious disease, it will affect each person with whom I come into contact, whether I am the punished or the punisher. Ew. I reject this. Erasing ourselves or others is very non-wholesome and non-badass.

Genuine lasting connection and belonging have little to do with being the same, though similarities are surely binding, particularly when they are legitimate — neither forced nor feigned. If sameness or a shared enemy are requirements or invitations, I am out. No thank you. As my commentor said: “we are different”. I graciously accept and thank GAWD for that.

Henry Cloud Boundaries Quote

Boundaries Are Hard

I was raised by people who did not believe in apologies or examining of their behaviors, deeply rooted in a sense of perpetual rightness. Why change when you are already right? Noticeably Affected People were expected to independently get over whatever it was that bothered or wounded them in the first place–Quit being so sensitive and rehashing the past. Sheesh- It is tiring to walk on eggshells with her every time she is dismissed or diminished. Unreasoanble. The system elected secrets and moods as stand-ins for boundaries. There was no positive regard for vulnerability, healing, and emotional and moral maturing.

Repression and outbursts are how anger rage has been handled for generations, in my FOO. Oh–And denial. Not once can I recall witnessing someone approach me or another to express something along the lines of “Hey, when this happened, it upset me or made problems for me, can we discuss?” OR “Hey, when I or said or did X, I was angry and that was hurtful, I would like to work to restore trust between us.” There was silence, then retaliation, more silence mixed with weird exaggerated laughter as proof that all was good and fun–for the unbroken. Always lacking in the values and practices of reflection, humility, compassion, empathy.

These patterns still reign today, in my FOO and with my ex who share the commitment to this style of anger denial/management. Anger, I am told is a secondary feeling, a reaction to sadness or disappointment, which we are not able or willing to face. In my family of origin (FOO) hard feelings are not to be honestly or directly acknowledged– for doing so– is reserved for the weak and defective–as the whole and the right are not burdened in these ways.

I went to bed last night, agonizing over a boundary with my ex, because old programming insists that my boundaries are actually grudges. Since his triangulation with my sister, I request that he remain in his car and text when he arrives to pick up our sons, who greet him in the driveway. Why would I allow an abuser inside my home, my place of rest and recovery? This is not retaliation or mercilessness. This is healing.

Reading Henry Cloud’s: Boundaries I am relieved by his words: “Regarding abusive relationships, it is healthy to guard your heart until there is evidence of sustained change. It is ok to limit togetherness in the name of binding evil.” Evil seems an outrageous, over the top term. But anyone who knowingly chooses to do harm, by definition, is a doer of evil: an abuser.

My refusal to invite that or make myself available to that, is part of spiritual maturity and healing. And this, as my only option, angers me. Because the truth is, I long to be able to allow the father of my children into our home and to welcome him into the family and friends we enjoy and love–for holidays and birthdays– and for any reason at all. I suppose my anger is part of the grieving of what is not to be. Subjecting myself for more, will not fix or heal us. Tried it one too many times. The data is consistent. I have expressed my continued willingness to do the work of healing. The offer goes dismissed, with my ex as with my sister. They really are two peas. Actually my ex says he wants to but does not know how. So, there is that.

What my ex and my sister did, divided my children not only from extended family but from the possibility of having two parents –unified to support them at the highest level. My children’s happiest days were those spent with US, after divorce, working together. I grieve this loss.

The only mercy I can offer around this, is to my children– through less expression of my anger over what their father chose repeatedly to do to us, TO THEM. My sister has no real skin in this game. More than half our lives were spent not speaking. I would like reconciliation with her but do not need it. For my children, I would do literally anything to improve the quality of their childhood– it is shaping them forever and is passing quickly.

As for my mercy tattoo, I will continue to admire and rub it and be reminded to practice mercy. Just as the tattoo will not magically transform me, neither will graduate work in ethics and morality. These are things I choose, to deepen my connection with powers greater than myself–my spiritual striving.

I am pained by evil in the world, behaviors which pass for acceptable or un- punishable, but which are wrong/hurtful/damaging–morally and ethically out of line. The ability to do a thing and get away with it does not make it good or even okay—while right and good is frequently found objectionable and punished. Extreme examples of this are reflected in the persecution and elimination of Jews vs. protecting them under Hitler’s reign AND in helping slaves to freedom and fighting for and speaking up for equality. I really don’t get it or maybe I do get it, but do not accept it.

Why is it that moral and ethical behavior toward people, animals, the planet is not mandated or at the very least taught as part of basic education? Am I here on this earth to learn to accept the unacceptable or to work for change- to be the change I wish to see in the world?

Listen, Learn, Serve

Squeee! I  have completed my application for admission to a graduate course of study in Applied Ethics.  I am interested in the path and the journey, without a destination or career in mind.  THIS is only the fourth thing (#1-My cross country move, #2-my job and #3-Sweet Greg) which I have actively wanted and chosen for healthy reasons, perhaps, ever.  I have spent a lifetime settling for things and running from things. This is my Good Orderly Direction at work in my life. I love this quote from Bill Gates- which inspires me not so much to not lead, but to give, to elevate those in need.

If I am lucky, I may enroll in one course per semester with the option of a certification in maaaaaybe 3 years or a Masters in double that time.  Quite possibly, I just attend classes, listen, learn, and serve- as I am able- and see where I am led.  I am currently void of concern with certification and credentials.  I wish only to become more educated and to be of service to any groups of underserved and oppressed people.  I would honestly like an invitation to work with with Bill and Melinda Gates and do only things for people lacking in the most basic human ways. I should probably go check the mail asap, I bet my invitation is already there.

For now, I will get myself into some rooms with others contemplating similar topics and matters. The information, the dialog, the reading, the research, the studying—#allofit I want to listen and learn to empower those stuck in the margins. My role at work is in Sales Support and what I love about my job– is the service aspect- serving as the behind the scenes helper. Getting to be the person to say: “I will take care of that for you. I am happy to help you with this.”

Obedience to the Unenforceable

I have been hungering, starving for a way to explore THIS, outside of my limiting perspective/ personal experience and SO—am now contemplating graduate school for a MA in Applied Ethics.  Putting my mind to work in a course of study and research of a matter so very relevant to me, would be incredible.  Who knows where it will lead? Maybe only one class or two, or completion of a Masters or even a PhD.  

My program of recovery introduced me to the concept of obedience to the unenforceable as it relates to our program principles—like– even in our meetings, it is not an option to force people to obey or leave.  The only consequence for disobedience is having to exist at a lower vibration. Each of the 12 Step Programs offer step by step direction on how and why to be obedient to the unenforceable, as part of living our best lives.  This made good sense to me once I connected with a power greater than myself.

I continue to marvel at undeniably harmful actions, which, depending on the doer of the deed–are tolerated, enabled, minimized, dismissed— in families, in schools, in the work place and by our current administration and also by those who pride themselves in political correctness and who often tyrannize through happiness policing– shutting down difficult conversations which support sharing and listening to differing perspectives.

I do realize that gaining a deeper understanding of ethics will not make me more right/correct– and will not allow me to enforce anything.  But –the study of ethics and morality seems to offer a more wholesome outlet for otherwise obsessive and troubling thoughts about why and how people do as they do. Maybe being able to understand ethicality and morality will free me from the urge to judge people as just wrong and bad. (Hell, perhaps they are right and bad-hahahaha) It is possible to be “right” in reason and unethical and immoral in method. Will this help me with my goal of living a more merciful existence? Fock, I hope so. I am enjoying my mercy tattoo very much- but have been unable to get a good photo.

I am beyond pleased to have found a way to direct my pain and confusion toward academic pursuits which might allow me to exist outside the confining narrative which gave birth to this blog. The idea of GRE prep seems daunting though, and I hope will not hinder me too much.