So, when I visited NC 9 years ago for therapy session with mother and sister which went poorly and in which I miscarried, I, for obvious reasons, felt unable to rally for Trick or Treat neighborhood parade with my sister and her family. I required time and space to rest and grieve the tragedy of that session, my family, and the loss of a pregnancy–while nursing and caring for my baby. (more…)
There is an outward claim to wanting peace, cloaking the unspoken threat that reverence is required or else. To me, peace is not just the absence of overt war. Peace is kindness and calmness and it does take two or how ever many are participating. Peace is achieved in unity not demanded.
Below are some links to resources which have been helpful to me in this painful journey of awareness, acceptance, recovery, and healing.
http://narcissist-sociopath-awareness.com/the-in-between/
Highly relevant and illuminating passage from Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown and brilliant supporting meme made with ♥ by yours truly :
THE PROLIFERATION OF BULLSHIT
Someone who lies and someone who tells the truth are playing on opposite sides, so to speak, in the same game. Each responds to the facts as he understands them, although the response of the one is guided by the authority of the truth, while the response of the other defies that authority and refuses to meet its demands.
The bullshitter ignores these demands altogether. He does not reject the authority of the truth, as the liar does, and oppose himself to it. He pays no attention to it at all. By virtue of this, bullshit is a greater enemy of the truth than lies are.
Harry G. Frankfurt, Professor Emeritus, Yale University
(From his book, On Bullshit)One of the biggest sources of bullshit today is the proliferation of “If you’re this then you’re automatically that” and “You’re either with us or you’re against us” politics. These are emotional lines that we hear invoked by everyone from elected officials and lobbyists to movie heroes and villains on a regular basis. They’re effective political moves; however, 95 percent of the time it’s an emotional and passionate rendering of bullshit.
Normally, we used forced choice and false dichotomies during times of significant emotional stress. Our intentions may not be to manipulate, but to force the point that we’re in a situation where neutrality is dangerous. I actually agree with this point. One of my live-by quotes is from Elie Wiesel. “We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.”
The problem is that these emotional pleas are often not based in facts, and they prey on our fears of not belonging or being seen as wrong or part of the problem. We need to question how the sides are defined. Are these really the only options? Is this the accurate framing for this debate or is this bullshit?
If alternatives exist outside of these forced choices (and they almost always do), then the statements are factually wrong. It’s turning an emotion-driven approach into weaponized belonging. And it always benefits the person throwing down the gauntlet and brandishing those forced, false choices.
The ability to think past either/or situations is the foundation of critical thinking, but still, it requires courage. Getting curious and asking questions happens outside our ideological bunkers. It feels easier and safer to pick a side. The argument is set up in a way that there’s only one real option. If we stay quiet we’re automatically demonized as “the other.”
The only true option is to refuse to accept the terms of the argument by challenging the framing of the debate. But make no mistake; this is opting for the wilderness. Why? Because the argument is set up to silence dissent and draw lines in the sand that squelch debate, discussion, and questions—the very processes that we know lead to effective problem solving.
Our silence, however, comes at a very high individual and collective cost. Individually, we pay with our integrity. Collectively, we pay with divisiveness, and even worse, we bypass effective problem solving. Answers that have the force of emotion behind them but are not based in fact rarely provide strategic and effective solutions to nuanced problems.
We normally don’t set up false dilemmas because we’re intentionally bullshitting; we often rely on this device when we’re working from a place of fear, acute emotion, and lack of knowledge. Unfortunately, fear, acute emotion, and lack of knowledge also provide the perfect set-up for uncivil behavior. This is why the bullshit/incivility cycle can become endless.
It’s also easier to stay civil when we’re combating lying than it is when we’re speaking truth to bullshit. When we’re bullshitting, we aren’t interested in the truth as a shared starting point. This makes arguing slippery, and it makes us more susceptible to mirroring the BS behavior, which is: The truth doesn’t matter, what I think matters.
It’s helpful to keep in mind Alberto Brandolini’s Bullshit Asymmetry Principle or what’s sometimes known as Brandolini’s law: “The amount of energy needed to refute bullshit is an order of magnitude bigger than to produce it.”
My sons and I ♥luuuuv us some Pink Panther. It never stops being hysterically funny. We literally roar and do that thing where we punch each other’s arms for every ridiculous thing and then we rewind and replay certain parts repeatedly. Pink Panther is clever sneaky and selfish AF and 
somehow seemingly innocent and totally lovable. Our favorite episode is Blue Print. Anyway, I created this meme because it is a perfect metaphor for my attempt at a clear and direct boundary with my FOO– ME building a door (NOT a wall) out of necessity and having it removed, via my sister’s triangulation with my ex. My stipulation for spending time together was that we address serious issues, not only for ourselves, but to spare my young children from the decades worth of white knuckle tension and eggshells.
The culture in which righteously voicing sentiments of judgment, shaming, weird 
gifting, and awkward flattering, with laser focused dedication to squashing opportunities for atoning or amending– is not what I choose to have modeled for them. In relocating to this side of the country, I knew and accepted the risk,mother was sick and having grandsons and daughter close by to help and to be present for a fight for life seemed spiritually right. So, I was either a courageous and faithful badass or a serious dumbass. (more…)
Shit shit shit…I just got third party information that my mother has been taken to the hospital. My mother has made her decision and choices clear. So, I suppose I will wait and see what her family sees fit to share with or ask of me. I never did get the playbook on how to manage this sort of thing. But I did find these brilliant words of wisdom and comfort over at ScaryMommy: “But there is only so much abuse a person can take before they say “enough.” For me, the birth of my son was also the birth of my backbone. It was the birth of me saying “enough is enough.” Once I became firm in my decision, I started hearing people say, “But what if something happens to her, how will you feel?”
That is the million-dollar question when you end a relationship in anger. What happens if they die? Can you live with yourself? My answer to that question is yes. Yes, you can.
As you can imagine, I have been dealing with a lot of emotions in relation to her death. When a parent dies, it is earth-shattering. Just completely devastating. You are forever changed. Yet, the truth is, I mourned my mother many years ago. After years of therapy and being open about this with my friends (and non-friends who ask), I can tell you that I felt, and still feel, a million emotions in regards to the death of my mother.
Not a single one is regret.
I chose to end an abusive, toxic relationship. I chose to allow people who loved and supported me to be in my life, and those who hurt me and betrayed me, those who took advantage of me and used me as a punching bag to be let out of my life. It was liberating.
But it is also devastating. I am so sad that I didn’t talk to my mom on the phone the night before she died. I am heartbroken that she never knew my amazing boys. At 1 and 5 years old, they are the most amazing creatures I have ever been privileged to know. Mourning the absence of the mother I needed, the one I knew she wished she could have been, and the one I lost has been the hardest and most emotionally taxing thing I have ever done.
As I sit here and think about the fact that my mother and I will never reconcile, I’m okay. She was never the mother I needed. She couldn’t be. But maybe she is also finally free. Free from the demons she faced in this world. Wherever she is, I hope she is no longer hurting. Having my children has been so healing because I truly understand a mother’s love. I never knew it growing up, but loving my boys as fiercely and intensely as I do? That has been more healing than I could have ever imagined.
It is so hard to be hurt by someone who should love you. But we cannot stand idly by and allow these relationships to continue. We have to set boundaries and end contact if needed. Because sometimes the only person you can save is you. So save yourself. You are worth it.
And who knows, maybe it is just a broken arm? Either way, the collective need for my inclusion with this bunch was outlined clearly and repeatedly. There really is nothing I can do but wait. And pray.
I realize it is only halloween and I am already thinking Thanksgiving thoughts. Getting out into the future consistently brings me down. And, off I go. My boys are enjoying plans with good wholesome family friends tonight and for that I am over the moon. For me Thanksgiving will happen in the home of my best friend. My boys are with their father this year for Thanksgiving and it would be silly to think they will go anywhere but with my sister and mother, with whom I have NO CONTACT. From the day we met ( my boys’ father and me) everything that was mine became ours and everything that was his remained exclusively his. My bank accounts, benefits, house, house downpayment, personal email, credit cards, friends, everything-shifted from mine to ours–and nobody forced me, it is what I learned, how to 
sustain illusion of cohesion avoid banishment. (more…)
There is much change in my life as I transition homes and career AND try to accept the finality of my family of origin’s committed alignment with my ex husband, which for many reasons is harmful. They do this to circumvent the depth of work toward resolution or even genuine peace between US, without forfeiting physical access to my children. I often feel desperate for certainty. So, with the recent disconnect(revealed by political differences) between Sweet Greg and me, I wanted certainty, to skip right over not knowing how it could be, so I could just 100% be sure of something—like that we were over. It would be easier to do that, because not knowing is difficult. But then I remembered, my Faith is immense and I take risk and make big moves when necessary…and that I can wait through difficult times. Sweet Greg and I have together, decided that there is no rush to KNOW and that we shall remain committed to our relationship while not pretending honestly acknowledging our struggle. Intimacy is the place where this truly presents itself. It is not a punishment, but a natural and non-permanent consequence of this “thing” that separates us.
I am grateful to be in a struggle together, with him, not against him, and not free from him, but working together through difficulty to see what is true and possible. Tragically and foolishly, I thought my ex husband and I might find lasting connection in divorce, as it would join us in working together toward something we both knew was right. That lasted only until he re-united with his sisters( he could never be close with his sisters and me at the same time—always forced to choose–sound familiar?? Poor Guy) His sisters prospered immensely from marriages and divorces from people who had more than they did and had distinct ideas and suggestions for how to win the battle of divorce- Ugh– The zero-sum game–Somebody must lose!
Anyway, We are all grateful and excited about our pumpkin carving afternoon and Saturday Taco dinner. Love and faith win–but are too much for those who must be certain and right. I am grateful I for the opportunities to unlearn this thinking and to practice living and being in ways that are new to me. I love you, Greg and we are worth the struggle and the not knowing. And resolution is the place where relationships are strengthened. We are strong and courageous AF–total badasses for surrendering to uncertainty and struggle! Together, we expand.
Day 5 of my Year of Miracles with Marianne Williamson-
I have given excessive thought to things like blame, shame, unworthiness, faith, courage, and serenity. The last three are developments from doing the work of
recovery. Previously I relied exclusively on blame, shame, unworthiness to guide me—OH, and decades of resentment for being saddled with both spoken and unspoken messages to “BE different or else goddammit.(Step to, get on fucken script!”) Since, I cannot force or feign healing or transformation, I defaulted to the “OR ELSE”.
In my family of origin, the message I continue to receive is “If you are truly grateful 
and decent, you will stop (being you)”. Message received. I know for people outside of recovery, it appears that I choose, earn, and am responsible for all of
the brokenness of our family. Thank God, what other people think is no longer my business-another magical nugget of wisdom offered by spiritual recovery and seeking information on mental wellness.
Until we admit our defects, we cannot take responsibility for them. I like the expression of “Name it to tame it.” A malady cannot effectively be treated before being accurately identified. Right? I learned in the course of my mother’s cancer treatment, that for cancer patients, it is essential to determine which type of cancer is present in order to know exactly the necessary course of treatment. Previously, I believed all cancer got THE chemo and THE radiation. The cancer type is determined by where it first originates, and not necessarily where it presents. My mother’s cancer became first evident in her lungs, but in fact, it was ovarian cancer, and was treated accordingly and well.
Ok—a lil tangent, but still about recovery and healing. The doctors first did the work to name it then tamed it. Twice! She is cancer-free, I am told.
For now, our family behaves as if I am the the source of cancer within our FOO (but actually, I am the place where it presents) and I must be removed. I think there may be confusion over whom shall be credited with my removal, them or ME. With my marriage, my ex declared he would do NO work on himself (that he would never change-he actually said those words)—a promise he will keep, so I filed for divorce. On one hand, he likes to say he ended it with me, because then he is in charge and feels un-rejected. On the other hand, he likes to say it was me who filed for divorce and I am to blame. This dynamic is nuts, wanting authority without responsibility. In recovery, I have but one trusted authority, God. I am unable to strive for and maintain wellness in systems like my marriage and FOO that demand reverence to…what, I am not even sure what to call it—their will, their mood, their agenda. I cannot abide by anything as dynamic and non-benevolent as that. I am responsible only for my own wellness and behavior. Good Orderly Directions are all that I revere. They are not a source for that.
Today is only Day 5 with Marianne Williamson. I cannot wait to see where my 365 journey will leave me.. In true addict fashion, I am tempted to jam through the remaining 360 days over the weekend. However, I recognize that lasting transformation requires intention, time, faith, willingness, and discipline. Discipline remains tricky for me. I will continue working on myself. Doing the work is BADASS-(all caps, yo). And totally WHOLESOME- It is not for everyone.
I am a work in pogress. I will never stop changing. As my sister likes to say-Amen!
I have just realized that the same people who demand and extract hugs and demonstrations of physical intimacy of any sort (particularly from children), which are not mutually comfortable or desired—They are the exact same ONES who will cast you out for non compliance. Sick ass conditional love, fraud ! They wish to be in charge of intimacy, inclusion, (exclusion, of course) and an illusion of closeness. Sorry…It doesn’t work that way. Even if you are their mother, sister, aunt…Especially so!
My stomach is knotted as I recall my first date with my now ex(husband) and the hug that I joked to friends, that I did not give but allowed to be extracted…because that is what I learned might help me avoid banishment. LITERALLY, Icky hugs lead to drugs and other unfortunate coping skills ,addiction, self-hate, self loathing, anxiety, depression. Oh—and a loveless marriage.
These people never offer hugs or kindness in time of need, they use hugs for social appearances. Wholesome hugging happens naturally when there is connection. If you have to insist on one, you are rapey. Please seek help. If you have a hug extractor in the lives of your children, please consider encouraging them to practice body autonomy. I found a powerful piece on this issue earlier. No surprise that a large part of the people whom I know to have voted #45 are also hug rapers. Although, my mother did not vote #45, she is definitely guilty of demanding physical intimacy and condemning when rebuffed.
A fetus is using someone’s body parts. Therefore under bodily autonomy, it is there by permission, not by right. It needs a persons continuous consent. If they deny and withdraw their consent, the pregnant person has the right to remove them from that moment. A fetus is equal in this regard because if I need someone else’s body parts to live, they can also legally deny me their use.
By saying a fetus has a right to someone’s body parts until it’s born, despite the pregnant person’s wishes, you are doing two things.1. Granting a fetus more rights to other people’s bodies than any born person.
2. Awarding a pregnant person less rights to their body than a corpse.”
Recent Posts
By design, it seems, he became my everything; my comfort, my laughter, my peace, my joy. He is the place where I have felt the most alive, the most connected, the most whole. And yet, he is also the thing
I’ve been nursing a heavy ache in my heart — one that’s hard to put into words. It’s about my boys, how they see me, how they see their dad, and the painful gap between what they witness and what
I’ve shared before about the mantra I use to punish myself: “Winners keep winning, and losers keep losing.” Lately, life has felt like an uphill climb, made harder by a tangled mess of medications. With my memory and focus already
I look back on the girls and women I’ve known, and the difference is clear. Those with parents who were intentional and loving —who made them feel welcome, safe, supported, and protected, like they were beautiful and had what it
I had never been in a relationship with someone who both spoiled and protected me—who would fight for me, stand by my side, no matter what. Not my parents. Not my marriage. I have been “loved,” but never by someone
There are moments in parenting that bring me a deep sense of grief, moments when I know I’m falling short. I think about my boys, the love I have for them, and the ways I wish I could be more
I didn’t expect to hear from my ex-husband on Valentine’s Day, especially after years of no contact. When his call came through, I assumed it was urgent—something about our sons. Given our history, I expected it to be disturbing, so
I am seeking healing in the form of a way to channel all of this old information and energy out of me, so that it doesn’t continue backfiring, making me sicker, sadder, and more afraid. What I long for is
Previous Posts
Who you spend your time with will have a great impact on what kind of life you live. Spend time with the right people.
— Joel Osteen (@JoelOsteen) November 19, 2016
All Rights Reserved © Copyrights by Wholesome Badass
The End. (If only…)
