You Can’t Make Me and Neither Can I

“You can’t make me and neither can I.” I am almost finished with Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies and this line really stayed with me. ???Hard truth.  Discipline over my thinking is a daily struggle.  I think as a result of having my reality challenged, debated, and dismissed for most of my life. I became obsessed with trying to prove my truths and adamantly resistant to those who insisted on trying to dictate my reality– and ultimately also gave up on self-discipline. The only things in charge of me were the fear, shame and guilt for feeling how I felt in the company of those who disapproved mightily and collectively.

Help with my thinking is the only thing for which I pray.  Praying, for me, just means alone time dedicated to articulating my awareness of my need for help, from a power greater than myself.  My will or the will of another human is not enough to get me to do, feel, believe a thing. My program offers me the tools to navigate and to allow my thinking and instincts to become changed, one day at a time.  I will not be bullied by another person or group, or even myself, into living my best life.  Flow not force!

The grief of my mother’s passing and the family to which I was born, wreaked havoc on my body this week, leaving me with debilitating sciatica.  On the way to the accupuncturist, I passed the Cancer Treatment Center where I sat thru many treatments and drs visits with my late mother.  I also drove past the hospital where she underwent some scary surgeries and recoveries.  At the time, I was terrified, not that she would die, but of the proximity to my mother, my sister and her hubz.  And that my mother and I would resume our historical dynamic, once she was well, as we had not done the work of healing.  While she was ill, housebound, helpless, and lonely, she appreciated me, my presence. And once well enough, it seemed my only role was to submit to words and plans that openly diminished me. 

Relocating my family, to be of service, in this critical time was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done (besides knowingly marrying someone identical to those I fled).  Nobody could have forced me to or stopped me from our move, because it was the right thing to do.  I am grateful that I did.  And– it has been only slightly more painful than anything I would have dared to imagine.

Trust in Kindness

It is painful to witness my boys being expected to suffer silently or get comfortable in the presence of unkindness. Their father and I have very different principles and versions reality. Obviously. The ways in which we differ are the exact ways in which he relates to my mother and sister.

Just as I cannot discern who is telling the truth when my boys come to me in conflict with accusations, they cannot be expected to discern the “truth” between their parents . They want and deserve to believe in us both. This possibility has been snatched from them, not by divorce but by an unwholesome and damaging triangulation of my ex, my sister, and my mother.

The most I can hope and model for our sons, is to recognize genuine kindness– To learn to discriminate between friendly(social) and kind. A person can be friendly and social with one person and harsh and mean to another. Kindness is not conditional, like friendliness. It is not dependent on liking a person. Kind people just are. Some of the most well known sociopaths and criminals are reported to be friendly and charming. Both of my boys have first hand experience with charming bullies.

If a person behaves in ways that are cruel and diminishing to any other human, animal, or even the earth, they are not kind. Kind is not subjective. Kindness is unrelated to friendliness or how well you enjoy a person or situation. Kindness is a value and a practice.

Kind is not scary and does not judge or gossip. It does not require you to pretend to like, want ,or be ok with things which are not ok.

Kindness can be trusted. Because kindness, by definition, would exclude dishonesty. It is not possible to change the people to whom my sons are related and exposed. But I will break this freaking cycle of dysfunction, even if I just knock a chip of it off, that is progress. Overturning one sick myth and ritual at a time. Information is power. Faith is power. Higher power is power.

For the models of unyielding kindness and honesty in our lives, I am grateful. #blessed Because when you are not frequently exposed to kindness and gentleness, it is unfamiliar. While my children know they cannot count on me to feel happy or calm(sad truth), they can count on me to truth tell and own and work on my bullshit. 100%!! And to expose them only to Trusted Others—people who, as a rule, are kind and truthful, benevolent. In their entire lives, I have not lied to them or misrepresented in the slightest. Nor have I offered them up to any kind of non-love. They trust that they can say, do, and feel anything in my presence and it does not diminish my love for and commitment to them. Both of them. Differently but equally.

For today, I am giving up my need to be right or believed, because that is unwholesome and unreasonable and always leaves me sad. Instead, I will call out acts of kindness, courage, and truth telling. Attempting to manage people’s perceptions of the past is an insane and manipulative waste of time. Yuck. Letting that go. I miss out on the abundance of kindness in my world while I am tangled up trying to understand or prove unkindness of the past.

Reclaiming my emotional sobriety, so I will gladly accept that Day 1 chip. Thank you very much. ?

Day 15 I Can Not Be Counted On

I Can Not Be Counted On:

  • To be perfect
  • To be manipulated by fear, favoritism, or gifts
  • To agree or even feign agreement
  • To pretend that things are different from how they are
  • To act as if I like or want what I do not
  • To tolerate diminishing situations of any sort
  • To retaliate or engage in dishonest dynamics(which are non-optional)
  • To participate in gossip, flattery, or people pleasing

I Can Be Counted On:

  • To continue putting one foot in front of the other
  • To practice radical self-love and self-care
  • To make better mistakes today, than yesterday
  • To participate in difficult conversations
  • To work toward resolution
  • To speak truth and practice courageous honesty
  • To practice humility and forgiveness
  • To have courage and faith in a power greater than myself
  • To make amends when possible
  • To prioritize Kindness and Service
  • To excuse myself from things not meant for me
  • To support anything which strengthens and nourishes my children’s spirits and to object to anything which imposes on their serenity and sense of overall wellness and security
  • To break the cycle of abuse in my family
  • To be honest with my children about mental health and wellness, addiction, recovery, kindness, honesty, loyalty, and integrity
  • To laugh too loud
  • To say inappropriate things and to overshare
  • To feel deeply and to love hard
  • To listen with empathy and hold space, even when I do not understand. I may not relate to a person’s exact experience, but I will always openly relate to difficult feelings, struggle and fear. This is one of my more wholesome badass super powers.

Day 14 Character Analysis

https://www.instagram.com/p/BsjOiTTHM7C/

Nearing the end of Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead, I am taking note of the qualities in the characters that I find admirable and deplorable. Initially I could not understand why, Ellsworth Toohey, Peter Keating, and his awful mother made me sick. Their behaviors are so common and familiar that I almost mistook them for normal. Maybe they are normal, typical–but they are unwholesome posing as wholesome and good–each people pleasing, heavily reliant on sneaky, underhanded diminishing of and climbing on the backs of others. I also did not fully comprehend my immediate awe over Howard Roark, whose disinterest in conformity could be considered freakish. His fierce, unyielding truth speaking is breath-taking. A million ways he could sell out for the benefits of social and professional “success”. But his truth matters most to him and he gladly pays the price. Not for a moment, pitying himself or resenting others. He is free, as a result of his purity of intention, which is transparent and unwavering. AND that level of integrity and respect for himself and others, is what I seek for myself.

Roark’s words, actions, and beliefs remain in alignment. That badass integrity- that way of being in the world, has been defined, in spirituality, as genuine happiness. In the non-spiritual world, this is considered subversive, and just cause for abuse. His ease with himself and others seems a natural by-product of his deep knowing of what is real and important. He chooses to honestly work for what he wants, without gunning for those who oppose or obstruct him. Roark wastes no effort trying to control or to please others.

Howard Roark’s manner of living, reminds me of the Doctors’ Oath to DO NO HARM. His void of drive to please or punish others exceeds my original ideas of wholesome badassery. In these ways, I find him to be spiritually excellent and very sane. …reasonable.

I am reveling this book, as it relates to my recovery and parenting, which to be honest, are the only things I have going these days.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BsjcCyYHnP2/

Day 13 Second-Handers

Every spare moment has been dedicated to slowly devouring The Fountainhead or binge-watching Schitt’s Creek. Regarding Fountainhead, it is a loooooong read but the depth of the characters is beyond captivating. And the concepts and language around society thinking and culture is like scripture to me. I did finally get to the love/rape scene between Dominique and Roark and feel conflict about my take on it. She definitely wanted him but never said yes and seems, based on the explicit and intense nature of their connection, responded to him with resistance, because it is what she thought he wanted and also what she wanted. She also never said yes or fully surrendered to it. Wow. A lot to consider about sex, love, passion which can each be part of a rape. When it comes to this encounter, I dunno. I definitely do not agree that Ayn Rand has endorsed rape.

Wanting to understand more deeply this concept of second handers, I found this quote worthy of posting and contemplation. It relates strongly to my recovery and parenting and all that I am working against in raising wholesome, good hearted boys.

Second-Handers

Isn’t that the root of every despicable action? Not selfishness, but precisely the absence of a self. Look at them. The man who cheats and lies, but preserves a respectable front. He knows himself to be dishonest, but others think he’s honest and he derives his self-respect from that, second-hand. The man who takes credit for an achievement which is not his own. He knows himself to be mediocre, but he’s great in the eyes of others. The frustrated wretch who professes love for the inferior and clings to those less endowed, in order to establish his own superiority by comparison . . . . They’re second-handers . . . .

They have no concern for facts, ideas, work. They’re concerned only with people. They don’t ask: “Is this true?” They ask: “Is this what others think is true?” Not to judge, but to repeat. Not to do, but to give the impression of doing. Not creation, but show. Not ability, but friendship. Not merit, but pull. What would happen to the world without those who do, think, work, produce? Those are the egoists. You don’t think through another’s brain and you don’t work through another’s hands. When you suspend your faculty of independent judgment, you suspend consciousness. To stop consciousness is to stop life. Second-handers have no sense of reality. Their reality is not within them, but somewhere in that space which divides one human body from another. Not an entity, but a relation—anchored to nothing. That’s the emptiness I couldn’t understand in people. That’s what stopped me whenever I faced a committee. Men without an ego. Opinion without a rational process. Motion without brakes or motor. Power without responsibility. The second-hander acts, but the source of his actions is scattered in every other living person. It’s everywhere and nowhere and you can’t reason with him. He’s not open to reason.

Back to the book. Only a few hundred more pages…before I set off to re-read. Hopefully, before finishing the book, I will be able to discern the reason for the title. Fountainhead????

Day 8 Reflection

Ok, not writing at all, about IT is unreasonable and unhealthy. I am tweaking my resolution to add an allowance for myself, to contemplate and write once a week on the things from which I am recovering. To deny that, is unreasonable. It is not all or nothing…that is the sick thinking I was raised on. It is not THIS or THAT.

Healthy, expansive thinking is a matter of BOTH AND. So, while I will intentionally dedicate more thought and energy in other directions, I will also allow myself the outlet for the ongoing effects of my broken family and the brokenness that is being forced on my sons. I am offered daily reminders of that sickness, with each interaction with my ex. I watch helplessly, as my sons have their most basic need for strong unshakable sense of connection & belonging with each of their parents, systematically and righteously undermined. THAT behavior will never be ok, but I am beginning to make sense of IT, and this allows me to recognize healthy options. What is happening, is not OK or normal. BUT, I have tools to help me respond to what I cannot change.

What remains disorienting, when dealing with a disordered personality- Things go their way, and they may randomly behave with kindness and generosity. Things don’t go their way and they swiftly become shaming, cruel, and punitive. You can never know. who or what you are getting.

When you are small and being shaped by this dynamic, it is natural to assume that you cause the changes in behavior/mood. In fact, you are told that you are. In some moments, you will be regarded as drastically more favorable, yet have no clue as to why. You will lose sleep and many hours of your life, trying to discern how to be only the person who dodges cruelty and earns kindness. I am keenly aware of what continues to remain the same. The only things changing—-are the ever-changing moods and– my responses to those. One day at a time. ⏳

Atypical Day 6

Netflix’s Atypical, our first family binge-watching opportunity. Sam, Zahid, and Paige are each so damn relatable and hysterical, and it was consensus that we could not and should not stop after a single episode, or even two. Sweet Greg insists that there is too much adult content for the boys. I do not completely disagree and wish there were less of that. But, I think the gravity of Sam’s story and the depth of the characters, by far out-weigh the “sexy content”. Friendship, loyalty, connection, truth speaking, and celebrated quirkiness, to me, are worth the exposure to the sex-stuff, which my boys are already assaulted by, daily, at school. I dunno.

My older son and I, like Sam, are each quickly and easily overstimulated by most sensory stimulus. As a result we become tired(not in sleepy way), worn down and less resilient to emotional stress. We are thrilled by Sam’s unapologetic truth speaking and relate to his meltdowns and need for space and correctly prepared foods(haha). We are hoping for more seasons, since, like psychos, we burned through the first two, in 3 days. Pacing is something my children may have to learn elsewhere.

Today is Day 6 of intentionally doing, talking, posting, and meme-ing about life, instead of my FOO–very effing un-natural. Definitely, a one day at a time thing… I choose to focus on things that elevate and expand our lives. I suspect that this is not unlike how Sam felt when Paige suggested insisted he practice speaking of things other than penguins and the Antarctic.

Day 4 Schitt’s Creek

https://giphy.com/gifs/schittscreek-funny-xUA7aV0Qt03RXTHQ76

Having declared on 12/31 that I am moving on and redirecting my attention, I am on day 4 of posting about anything at all that I discover, observe, contemplate, enjoy….

For today, my crush on David Rose is developing into fixation. Like, I want to study him. In David, the polar opposite of Howard Roark from The Fountainhead, I have found another hero and role model. If you enjoy laughing until your stomach hurts and binge-watching Netflix, Schitt’s Creek is a must: only 21 minutes per episode and a teeny 20 second window in between to decide whether or not to continue. The characters and dynamic of David and Alexis are intoxicating. Truly.

I recently saw a brilliant meme: What if Netflix doubled as a dating service like “Here are 7 other singles that watched Grey’s Anatomy for 8 hours–straight”? Similar lifestyle and TV preferences are key. I could not be more pleased that Sweet Greg enjoys binge-watching. Actually, I believe he introduced me to it, with Breaking Bad, Hell on Wheels, and Boardwalk Empire. I think we completed each of the seasons for all of those, within our first 6 months. We have not since found many binge-worthy shows–that we agree on.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BsMsdLrnzhu/

Day 3 The Fountainhead

As with most things, I am reading The Fountainhead – in true addict fashion. The clash between Peter Keating and Howard Roark is beyond compelling, as well as the growing heat between Dominique and Howard Roark which led to the love sexy rape scene, of which I have yet to read.

While Roark and Dominique at some point become lovers, the forced, but still “erotic” sex referenced, is, in fact, rape. It is preposterous to defend that RAPE is limited to vaginal penetration, sexual attacks by strangers, or with females only as victims, and always males as perpetrators. If a person is in any way unable or unwilling to say yes, the answer is NO. How is it ok, ever, to advance on someone, without consent, which can never be assumed…even within romance and marriage? Why do we have only one law regulating sexual engagement, by age but not willingness? Is it more acceptable for one adult to force themselves on another than for frisky teens to mutually engage in sex? It is astonishing to me, that even victims are quick to dismiss their own violations (and therefore, those of others), by accepting that they have somehow brought it on themselves, or that it was “not that bad”, or they are “lucky” it was not worse.

Most people very much do not wish to consider or discuss this matter. I, however, very much do. If my boys have sex before the legal age, I am more accepting of that, than them, as adults, touching others in ways which are unwelcome and unwholesome. Examining and challenging the rape culture disrupts the status quo and entitlement of one population in particular.

Ha! That is it. I love Howard Roark for being a disruptor, transparent AF, not mean, dishonest, or violent not for a moment(not yet-just now at Chapter 15). Sneaky, Posing, Well groomed, Social Climbing Peter Keating and his pathetic mother make me ill. Peter’s image and appearance on paper are his only assets- and this leaves him constantly terrified and insecure that he might lose it all in a second. He despises and feels threatened by Roark’s void of motivation by money and popularity. That makes him unshakable which drives in Peter, his private desire to destroy him. Such a juicy dynamic. I am hooked.

2019 Day 1

Best Friends Forevvuh. 42 years of sisterhood. Total traveling pants. Bringing in the New Year with Favorite and her family was a win.  Tastiest foods, ????? from as soon as you are hungry all the way until you pop or surrender. Games and /or space for all.  Laughing together at nothing and everything and nobody and everyone.  The belonging-ness is pure magic. ?How does this happen?  I never feel as if I am a guest or extra.  Nobody does. I cannot help but marvel.  This is how we are meant to live and love.  2019, here I come. Looking forward to tonight, with Sweet Greg and our boys.

I have been reading a ton lately, in addition to my Recovery Literature. Today’s meeting reflected my 2019 intentions. From Paths to Recovery pps14-15 “Even though I was completely convinced that I hadn’t caused his inappropriate behavior, I still had an overwhelming desire to control or cure what was happening.  Once again, I had to sit and feel the discomfort of letting go.”  Letting go, is a less familiar type of discomfort, than my standard white knuckle, claw marking, hanging on. I will have to choose to let go one million times per day. Life gets better when I do and less better when I do not. “Let go or be dragged. ” Right?

I have enjoyed some lighter reads which have brought as much laughter and joy as they have direction, to my life: -The Happiness Project by Gretchen Ruben -By Jen Hatmaker: -For the Love and -Of Mess and Moxie (listening to her on Audible is a great time. Like spending time with a friend). I cannot recommend each of these strongly enough. Also, By Bob Goff -Everybody Always and -Love Does How is it possible for these deeply religious, Jesus loving people, to whom I cannot fully relate, touch me so deeply and allow me to believe in something far better than I have ever known. I am definitely a lover of Jesus Lovers(the good humble ones–not the arrogant psychos)(obvi).

White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo provided much needed language for processing a lifelong dynamic, which I have experienced as unmanageable. There are some serious fragility (ego and entitlement) issues involved. Both humbled and empowered by having glimpsed a more informed examination of the practices of exclusion. Becoming informed and gaining the language necessary to discuss, are essential to my healing and moving on. So, while I will not fixate on IT/them, I will be referencing them.

Becoming by Michelle Obama left me nearly intoxicated–her unyielding grit and grace, two admirable qualities which strive to know and practice– here(WBA), I refer to those traits as badass (not giving up on truth and goodness, while learning when to walk away because there is none to be had) and wholesome (purity of purpose).

Not that Bad by Roxane Gay , clarifies how ” NOT THAT BAD ” is NO WHERE NEAR good enough.  Being maltreated, silenced, diminished– is 100% unacceptable for any single individual or group of people.  Suggestion and insistence otherwise, offering ease to bullying, rape, molestation, physical and verbal abuse.  The definitions for rape, bullying, and abuse are so ridiculously narrow which makes it easy and expected for people to give it a blind eye and a shut mouth. One of the dispatches details an erotic rape scene (as if those words should ever go together), which led me to The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand- The novel champions the individualism of a young architect, Howard Roarke, who unflinchingly defies the tyranny of conventional public opinion. His struggle for personal integrity in a world that values conformity above truth, independence, and creativity, spoke straight to my heart. I have not yet reached the love rape scene, and am curious to see how it is possible and true that many stories and movies can disqualify some sex from being rape, because of a sexyness or hotness about it. Any touching that is not wanted, is rape. Anyone who engages or allows it, is a participant, condoning and perpetuating rape culture. I intend to raise two informed and mindful sexual citizens who learn to hear and say NO, with grace. Or even without, but still recognizing, that if it is not a YES, it is a NO, with regards to touching.