A Year of Miracles-or Just One Day
Holy smokes! I just listened to Day 2 of Marianne Williamson (47 times,of course) A Year of Miracles: how miracles happen when we choose expressions of love without the distractions of fear, anxiety, shame, guilt, resentment—and all things not built on love. What the what? I know it is a little woo woo, but today, I am partially, if not deeply, moved by these sentiments. I recognize in myself the indisputable need for spiritual adjustment. Marianne goes on, to blow my mind with:
“My own self hatred masquerading itself as self love, lures me to blame, defense, and more suffering. Will I place my focus on something loveless that somebody did to me?”
If I withdraw my attachment to what THEY DO (present tense), I will no longer be affected by their actions. (really????) Apparently, I have the opportunity to decide to put my faith elsewhere. Marianne provides a much needed definition of forgiveness that resonates with me. The miracle of forgiveness: It has nothing to do with ignoring, pretending or exposing myself for more….only a willingness to restore my focus and faith in the practice of love.
When something loveless is done to me, I must process my feelings but I do not have to indulge them. Yes, I MUST honor them, but not spew them. (Ouch!) In this way I become willing and able to to endure the gap in time between the pain of someone having hurt me and the miracle of my release from suffering. But But But, I say; the shit is never ending. Of course I still want IT to STOP ALREADY.(possibly embedding of that link is evidence of a lack of complete surrender and willingness. I am a work in progress—only striving, not arriving)
Forgiveness seems more doable, once the loveless behaviors have ceased. But just for today, I will allow my thoughts to take a new direction and place my attachments where they can serve love and god, not my ego. I must surrender urges to un-erase myself, be heard, defend, and prove anything at all.
Will I? If I do, it will sure be some wholesome badass shift. I will call it a goal. Possibly tomorrow, or even later today, I will post something diametrically opposing my newly and currently enlightened mood. Deep sigh.
My recovery and relationship to God and myself matter more to me than any relationship or relationship status to others. I am divorced. I am single. I am choosing authenticity over fear.
Our attitudes are usually conveyed to other people by what we say and do–and how, if the attitudes really reflect what we feel. Gentle actions and soft, courteous words may only counterfeit our true feelings. We may even think we have overcome resentment, self-righteousness and self-pity, but if they are still there inside us, they will in some mysterious way emanate from us and deny what we try to convey by our play-acting.
be unkind to me–and to now involve my ex husband and my children. It is not wholesome. I get that hurt people hurt people—until they fucken decide to stop.
I struggle to relate to anyone asserting they have nothing to recover from. ? Every cell of my being tells me to beware of people claiming that. Usually because they are unwilling to own their dis-ease and therefore likely to offload rather than heal it– and quick to judge and banish those honestly addressing struggle and pain. ⚠️I adore recovery and all people humble enough to do the work. Spiritual recovery—we all lose parts of our spirits and have been injured by someone or something, in ways that we may not understand. Recovery from low self-esteem, low self-worth, people-pleasing, depression, grief, ptsd, abuse, fear of scarcity, unhealthy coping skills, obsessions, sexual abuse, incest leading to addictions to drugs, sex, alcohol, shopping, exercising, eating, staying busy, being right or perfect—all of those “things” are responses to pain. “Healthy striving is said to be diametrically opposing attempts at and need for perfection, which is driven by fear, control, shame, and results in separation. Those are all spiritual maladies for which their are spiritual solutions.” When our focus is on how others perceive us, that is not mental or spiritual wellness, that is brokenness -which tells us look to others to see if we are ok. Trying to guess how others will feel and respond to us can make us overwhelmed, anxious, and very controlling. We are powerless over that. And so long as we think and behave otherwise, we will have difficulty being our true selves and allowing others the same—the birthplace of eggshells. The First Step in any of the fellowships teaches us that we are powerless over people, places and things. And to live otherwise is unmanageability- in the form of tryyyyying to hard all of the time to be feel and make others feel what they do not. It is true insanity. Though many people dedicate a lifetime managing, controlling, and regulating others to avoid dealing with the truth of what they feel, what they have done, and what they do. Below is an excerpt from one of my readers that feels especially relevant. In program, 
That was before my loveless marriage and divorce….when my main objective was to just pretend I could give or be what was wanted and needed and be funny while doing so. I thought that making myself usable might morph into being valuable or useful. It did not. 
After reading a comment by Jessica on my previous post, I did some pen on paper writing about my sister. Thank you, Jessica. I concur, it is time for “the shift”. The shit happened–so the shift can happen. My sister happened– is happening– will continue to happen. Because there is no solution to her, she is technically not a problem, so much as an unpleasant fact. Problems have solutions. Unpleasant facts are for accepting. I want to live life on life’s terms; this is what spiritually mature people do. As one who is striving in this way, with a long way to go, I must engage the practice of acceptance– that she is an unfortunate 
So, just for today, one day at a time is the only way I can survive, I will not detail her actions, assume to know her intentions, or outline the effects. I have a higher power and– it is not how I feel about her…though I have surely allowed it control over much of my thinking. Recovery teaches me, that I may not have control of my first thought, but I do have a choice(control) over my second thought. I must choose recovery over anger. Recovery does not waste energy and time rehashing or taking other people’s inventories. That is not how or who I wish to be- and living that way does indeed come at the expense of living my best life; being fully present for myself and my children. I want something better for us, all. I want to match my intention with action. To intentionally(shift) focus on my own healing, though often it seems hinged directly to some necessary transaction between us(my sister/mother((they are a single entity)) and myself) for which there really is no US.
