One Day at A Time
One day at a time, I seek,find, and create comfort around what it is like to be the object of scapegoating, betrayal, discarding. For me, this is the blessing of finding and connecting with those who relate through similar experience. So, my friends and boyfriend, no matter how loving– are not my greatest supply or resource in the naming and processing the dynamics and tactics that define this sort of family system. They will listen and love me but they cannot get it and sometimes it is just too much. My sharing for me, feels as fruitless as it does painful for them. I cannot begin to imagine having survived THIS during the pioneer era or even the
60s-90s(no social media) when Betty Draper was considered a model of female excellence: wearing her well-crafted poise, grace, and stunning beauty while offloading her discontent, infernal rage, shame, and childish resentment on all whom failed to please and serve her as she saw fit. Well dressed, wealthy, righteous and abusive AF.
Mental wellness, sobriety, and boundaries were not values of that era—and recovery did not exist as an option. I would have died without today’s outlets and resources when the only acceptable option was Adaptation over Authenticity. I am not wired for that. I realize discussing the details in the light of day is perceived as subversive. I also see that sharing fearlessly is essential to healing.
I own my reliance on social media as a place to laugh, cry, understand and articulate my experience to those with the courage to look right at it without judgment. Allowing me to let go of shame that is not mine to carry . I seek all that supports emotional and spiritual recovery—deep unlearning and re-parenting of my whole myself. In this way I grow into a more wholesome way of thinking, living, loving, and parenting. I am a work in progress. Making better mistakes one day at a time. Recovery requires me to go where the love is and to avoid anyone insisting that I am difficult to love. Recovery is wholesome and badass. It is too much for some. I am beyond grateful for the option and the courage to change the things I can.
Our attitudes are usually conveyed to other people by what we say and do–and how, if the attitudes really reflect what we feel. Gentle actions and soft, courteous words may only counterfeit our true feelings. We may even think we have overcome resentment, self-righteousness and self-pity, but if they are still there inside us, they will in some mysterious way emanate from us and deny what we try to convey by our play-acting.
be unkind to me–and to now involve my ex husband and my children. It is not wholesome. I get that hurt people hurt people—until they fucken decide to stop.
I struggle to relate to anyone asserting they have nothing to recover from. ? Every cell of my being tells me to beware of people claiming that. Usually because they are unwilling to own their dis-ease and therefore likely to offload rather than heal it– and quick to judge and banish those honestly addressing struggle and pain. 
I adore recovery and all people humble enough to do the work. Spiritual recovery—we all lose parts of our spirits and have been injured by someone or something, in ways that we may not understand. Recovery from low self-esteem, low self-worth, people-pleasing, depression, grief, ptsd, abuse, fear of scarcity, unhealthy coping skills, obsessions, sexual abuse, incest leading to addictions to drugs, sex, alcohol, shopping, exercising, eating, staying busy, being right or perfect—all of those “things” are responses to pain. “Healthy striving is said to be diametrically opposing attempts at and need for perfection, which is driven by fear, control, shame, and results in separation. Those are all spiritual maladies for which their are spiritual solutions.” When our focus is on how others perceive us, that is not mental or spiritual wellness, that is brokenness -which tells us look to others to see if we are ok. Trying to guess how others will feel and respond to us can make us overwhelmed, anxious, and very controlling. We are powerless over that. And so long as we think and behave otherwise, we will have difficulty being our true selves and allowing others the same—the birthplace of eggshells. The First Step in any of the fellowships teaches us that we are powerless over people, places and things. And to live otherwise is unmanageability- in the form of tryyyyying to hard all of the time to be feel and make others feel what they do not. It is true insanity. Though many people dedicate a lifetime managing, controlling, and regulating others to avoid dealing with the truth of what they feel, what they have done, and what they do. Below is an excerpt from one of my readers that feels especially relevant. In program, 
That was before my loveless marriage and divorce….when my main objective was to just pretend I could give or be what was wanted and needed and be funny while doing so. I thought that making myself usable might morph into being valuable or useful. It did not. 
After reading a comment by Jessica on my previous post, I did some pen on paper writing about my sister. Thank you, Jessica. I concur, it is time for “the shift”. The shit happened–so the shift can happen. My sister happened– is happening– will continue to happen. Because there is no solution to her, she is technically not a problem, so much as an unpleasant fact. Problems have solutions. Unpleasant facts are for accepting. I want to live life on life’s terms; this is what spiritually mature people do. As one who is striving in this way, with a long way to go, I must engage the practice of acceptance– that she is an unfortunate 
So, just for today, one day at a time is the only way I can survive, I will not detail her actions, assume to know her intentions, or outline the effects. I have a higher power and– it is not how I feel about her…though I have surely allowed it control over much of my thinking. Recovery teaches me, that I may not have control of my first thought, but I do have a choice(control) over my second thought. I must choose recovery over anger. Recovery does not waste energy and time rehashing or taking other people’s inventories. That is not how or who I wish to be- and living that way does indeed come at the expense of living my best life; being fully present for myself and my children. I want something better for us, all. I want to match my intention with action. To intentionally(shift) focus on my own healing, though often it seems hinged directly to some necessary transaction between us(my sister/mother((they are a single entity)) and myself) for which there really is no US.
On Saturday before Braziilian Jiu-Jitsu Class, we stopped for Chick-Fil-A( a huge treat, right?). My older son took one bite and said “I don’t like it”. Will you please make me burgerS with avocado and tomato when we get home from class? And this is how it goes. I always offer my sons foods they like, maybe not their favorites or the thing they are currently in the mood for, but never “offer” the two choices of: NO food OR whatever I provide you, regardless of what feels palatable (and with a
avocados and tomatoes. (Note: I totally get that what tastes delicious on one day may turn my
not reverence and submission as required by some. (clearing throat, not naming names or pointing to my 
