Ted Bundy, So Sexy and Well put together, though. The world is full of well dressed monsters with friendly smiles.

Under The Influence

Most of us (if only a little) are impressed by fine clothes, cars, homes, overall attractiveness, and status.  -Totally normal to unconsciously attach meaning to what we see and to feel influenced by a desire for nice things.

When a person holds a position of trust or authority and/or appears well put together, we feel influenced, readily accepting their gossip information as truth and an adequate basis for judgment.  For example, there is an inherent assumption of credibility by children– for family, clergy, police, professors, doctors, teachers….Right? But wisdom suggests that as we mature, we become conscious of more valid criteria for trust. To rely primarily on outward presentation/image invites deception and manipulation.

If our beliefs about a person are based solely on what they show us or on hear-say, chances are good, that our assessments are inadequate and we lack the ability to effectively judge character.  We will be naive, shallow, and also weak in character.  We will come to rely on those, desperate to control who eagerly inform us as to who is good, bad, right, wrong, who and what we can and cannot like or love.

Because the first people to “love” me were not reliable sources of kindness, honesty, loyalty, or safety-  as an adult, I had to learn to identify people of trust and also to become a person of trust– I needed to be taught.   Status, clever wit, good looks, and possession of cool shit can no longer influence or distract me from what matters.

Recovery taught me to notice behavior patterns; to be mindful of those who act consistently with kindness and benevolence—or a lack of. We are what we do, not what we or others say.   Before recovery, I was stuck in vicious cycles and entanglements.  I played my part in these by doing what I knew. As a result of recovery, re-parenting myself, and removing myself, my life and relationships are now more virtuous than vicious. This became possible, I believe, purely as a result of my program teachings – where we learn to practice and prefer trust.

Ancestral trauma is trauma that is passed down to each generation and then re-enacted. The Holistic Psychologist

To Repair or Repaint

My life is filled with terrible choices, ugly truths, and failed relationships.  Those things do not define me and cannot be used to shame or diminish me.  Only through my courage to walk directly into my own story; my willingness to acknowledge the breakage and to do the work of repair, have I been made healthy and strong, fully able to live my own life.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, makes me feel more proud than my choice to recover and how far I have come.  

Is it even possible to emerge, grow, or heal from what you cannot acknowledge? What if I had allowed myself to be held in denial and pain—therefore presenting to my sons, the likelihood to do similarly or the same?    Recovery has been chaotic and messy, not unlike removal of a dying organ or limb, car restoration, or a home renovation— gutting a compromised foundation, rather than throwing on a coat of pretty paint(or polish). I feel both grateful and honored by this work and the scars– which tell the story of my recovery.

Only by looking deeply and directly into the darkest parts (probably about 86.7%) of my life, am I able to experience healing and fortification. I was collectively and consistently discouraged, shunned, admonished for my call to do so.  I see now, how my family of origin, and unsurprisingly the family of the man I chose to marry, require their brand of positivity as a term and condition of engagement.  “Do and say as we(The Royal WE) do– and smile so that we may allow you to stay.”

Is positivity really demonstrated by the arrangement of your face or by denying that a thing has made you feel broken, hurt, or insecure?  I do not think so.  Genuine Positivity, as I understand, is choosing to show up and to be kind, honest, and accepting of difficult truths.

Since we here, descend from long lines of infallible, almighty non-apologizers, our lil family is learning together, to acknowledge and amend when we have done harm/ broken trust. To me, breaking trust is what happens when a person’s words or behaviors communicate “I matter more than you”. In healthy wholesome relationships, nobody matters more and nobody matters less. With generational and ancestral trauma though, there is the precept that those with more power matter more. But what does that say about children and the vulnerable, in general? Because they have less agency and authority, they have less value? That is absolutely what it says. It demands that children STFU with their own unique needs, feelings, and truths, or go elsewhere. It is definitely a dynamic of “You are with us or against us.” Of course children long to be WITH their parents and family at large. But they also want to be seen, heard, safe, and understood– and deserve to be so. THIS stops with me.

What Susie says of Sally says more of Susie that of Sally.

Gossip Culture

Whoever gossips to you, will gossip about you.

Gossip is saying behind their back what you would not say to their face. Flattery is saying to their face what you would not say behind their back.

Gossip needn’t be false to be evil – there’s a lot of truth that shouldn’t be passed around.

Gossiping and lying go hand in hand.

****Leaking someone’s private details by beginning your share with “I am so concerned that…..” is dirty and unwholesome. Still gossip.

When I stop to consider the vast personal and private details I know of people in my family, with whom I have had no contact for decades, I cringe. I have ben privy to information I did not desire or pursue and have no business knowing– as a result of the gossip abounding in only a handful of interactions: People’s difficult unique children, failing marriages, addictions, drinking problems, depression, affairs, eating disorders, mental health issues, sexual orientation: complex matters worthy of respect and discretion. Sadly, in the instant, getting to hear those things made me feel included, safe, and as if for a moment, I was on the inside. I gladly received it all. Ew gross. It makes me feel dirty to know what I do because I did not shut it down, when I had not yet known better.

Gossip is a lack of integrity weakening families, friendships, and organizations. I think in many circles, gossip passes for normal.

To remain loyal to those not present demonstrates loyalty to those who are. By defending those who are absent, we retain the trust of those in attendance. It is not safe to be in the presence of a gossip. To not participate can make you a target.

I do sometimes call or text Favorite to say “I need to talk shit and behave like the spiritual skank I used to be, is that ok?” The answer is always a resounding yes. It does feel fun but I always am left with an emotional hangover. Often I try to tell myself I must share the things in order to help me process, but in truth, sometimes I just feel like being a gossipy asshole. I dislike myself when I engage this way. I only do the shit-talking with a trusted other who knows that I know better- and I declare my intent on the front end. Also, I tend to share things that are benign, frequently about people not known to or close to the person with whom I am sharing. It is gross behavior and the person most harmed by it is me. This is progress.

There is no safe way to remain in a relationship with a person who has no conscience.

If it hurts me, it is bad for me

Have you known a person who can not see or admit when they have done harm by their words, choices, or actions? They tend to apologize profusely for circumstantial things that are either benign or out of their control–but not for their actual choices.

The term Sociopath refers to a person without conscience. That seems a bit harsh as I do enjoy some people (but do not necessarily trust) who literally cannot acknowledge, apologize for, or correct harmful behaviors. I am not able to say for sure if they possess the ability to self reflect and to recognize where they have done harm and maybe feel too proud or scared to admit– OR if they literally believe in their own infallibility. To that, I cannot relate—at all: not, to pride or even a hint of infallibility. I do now understand that for someone like me- quick to take blame/responsibility, desperate to understand, evolve, grow, connect, and heal–that it is unwise and unsafe to be in relationships with the perpetually right. They need for me to be wrong so they can feel right. They prefer to win against me, than with me. And always always when shit is going down they insist that they are either a victim or a hero.

I am learning more quickly to identify and navigate carefully around the zero-sum, never wrong, perfectionist types in the world outside of my trusted relationships. Distance is key- because people without conscience don’t mind hurting others in order to appear right, to get what they want and feel that they deserve. I choose only people who do mind hurting others, who feel remorse and are willing to reflect and adjust, when they have done the very human thing of messing up.

So, I see the definition of sociopath tends to include the word anti-social. And I seem mostly to be familiar with the type who enjoys shallow socializing to exercise polite smiles and charm as proof of tidy goodness- void of mess, mistakes, big feelings and issues. Maybe the zero-sum, finger pointer, deflection is just straight up narcissism. There does seem to be some crossover. I dunno what it is. I do know for certain that it hurts me and is therefore bad for me. That is some blackbelt recovery right there: “If it hurts me, it is bad for me.”

How I wish I had the means to conduct an actual study to find the connection between being a narcissist/sociopath and addiction and eating disorders. Also the connection to being raised or deeply affected by a narcissist and the need to flip out or numb TF out to cope. I feel strongly the two are not unrelated.

When something feels off, it is. Quote by Abraham Hicks

Incongruous Behaviors

When possible, I now know to abstain from people whose words, actions, and proclaimed values are not aligned, those folks are not for me, even if we are married, have children, or are related by blood. This– is acceptance–acceptance of my needs and the choices of others. I do not have to reject them or myself. While I cannot change a person OR my needs, I have learned to practice boundaries which allow me to care for myself, through limited proximity. Unfortunately, I am not able to protect my sons as I am, myself.

Today, as work is slowed by Covid 19 quarantine, I am obsessing abut how my sons were hurt by the collusion of my female sibling and their father to gather without me, repeatedly–probably justified as having been done only for my mother. After her memorial service, my son asked: “If we were so important to your mom, why were we only barely mentioned once (in her very own and very long end of life monologue)”?

I have no decent answer. I tell them that they should never have been dragged into the mess. What was done to them was unwholesome, unfair, and unkind. I share that “how my family and your father do love is very confusing and different from the love that I understand and choose”. My hope is that they will elect to mimic more kind and wholesome examples of love, connection, and family.

My sons agree that is not possible to be loving (kind and fully honest) while also feeling entitled, trying to get even, be perceived as right, better than, or in charge. Domination and manipulation of people and their perceptions is unwholesome and unloving and seems inextricably linked to eggshell dynamics, estrangement, pain, and addiction(to all sorts of things).

Choosing benevolently can be difficult and does not always feel immediately good. However, doing the thing which is easy and feels at once satisfying is not an acceptable alternative. That momentary pleasure/relief is followed closely by insecurity, distrust of others, frustration— mental dis-ease. I speak from first and second hand experience. So odd to consider how politically correct actions are frequently lacking in full honesty, deadly, and cruel but legal and accepted by those who benefit. I have heard it said that anytime there is suffering, someone is profiting. Always. Hmmm

The Five Rules

Reposting Tom Weston’s Five Rules of Being a Grown Up (steps to maintaining the status quo/rape culture/being pushed out to the margins)

The Five Rules of Being A Grown Up
By Tom Weston
1. You must not have anything wrong with you, or anything different about you.
2. If you have something wrong or different about you, you really need to correct it. You need to be able to pass under all circumstances.
3. If you can’t correct it, or change it in any way, you should just pretend that you have. It’s not a problem anymore. Good news!
4. If you can’t even pretend to have corrected the situation, you should just not show up, because it’s very painful for the rest of us to see you in your current condition.
5. If you’re going to insist on showing up, you should at least have the decency to be ashamed.

Self Doubt v. Purpose & Belonging

So interesting, I enjoyed a wonderful day off work all to myself and then, while relaxing with an audio book, I was reminded of the crippling self doubt on which I was raised. Before finding the rooms of recovery at age 40, I had always deeply believed in my own unworthiness: that the world (particularly my angry brown non-Christian family and my angry white Christian community) would be better off without me, did not want me, and was rooting against me. Those belonging in my family of origin, frequently employed the word WE, the royal WE, when speaking about themselves and the rest of their family. The silent army. The “You are either with US or against US” mentality proved toxic for me. Apparently being uniquely me, rendered me a menacing enemy.

I suppose that if genuine and prevailing trust is the currency of love, it makes good sense that I felt hated unloved in my home and family. Void of any identifiable source of comfort, connection, belonging, loyalty, I became a lost (having no purpose) desperate needy mess –particularly on the most special of family occasions. This typically manifested in physical illness, which was openly judged as “she just wants attention”. For the record, grown ups care givers, if a child wants attention, it is not a crime. Maybe they are asking to feel understood, comforted, connected, or significant. It is true– that can seem inconvenient, an unwelcome distraction from yourself, boring, or just plain difficult. But, if showing up for your child is difficult, that is proof of your need to grow- not the child’s need to shrink. I do believe that trying to break a child down into more manageable pieces is a crime, though–or maybe just very sick behavior and proof of unhealed trauma.

What can I learn from this, besides to not ridicule, alienate, or triangulate against my own children (or others((When we know better, we do better))? Be kind. Listen. Show up. Be curious. Ask Questions. Listen some more. Stay. Model (healthy) kind and benevolent interactions, particularly with those designated as inside the circle of trust. How will I maintain and grow the concept of trust with my sons?

Trust is built over time and broken in a split second, by a single word or action which communicates “you matter less than me”.

I continually and intentionally invite my boys to show me who they are.

I encourage them to identify and pursue their gifts, strengths, talents, passions–their truths.

I will be mindful of any consistent messaging to my sons about fitting in and belonging. I hope they will choose paths of bridge building rather than gate-keeping.

A deep sense of belonging and purpose– This is what I want for my boys. A sense of belonging and purpose which is born out of embracing (or at the very least, not denying) and living out our truest truths surrounded closely, by those who not only tolerate, but solicit self discovery and authentic living.

Look For The Helpers

Who do you crave when you are in pain? Who unfailingly welcomes and solicits your unedited truth?  Is it the perpetually smiling person dedicated to the optic and insisting that nothing is wrong?  Whose music and books touch you deeply?  Are they the messages of the politically correct and poised-the judgers and deniers of struggle?  If you are sensitive, those people will cause you to become very sick. They will drive in you the need to cry, hide, pretend, disappear, numb, to be someone else– a non-sensitive person.

I am finally learning from the many relationships in my life, in which the poised and smiley have turned to me, confided in me, feeling safe and comforted by my ability and willingness to listen to and identify with emotional hardship and struggle.  And then, once relieved, ties are cut and efforts are made to distance themselves from me and to discredit me, even to erase me– I think because I know things they could and would not share with others.  They came to me when they felt weak. This is a problem. Their illusions of strength are threatened by my existence.

Being dumped in this way has been a common experience.  My mother, my sister, my ex husband, and friends along the way have confided in me, things I absolutely believe they would not share with any other.  They unburdened with me and then despised and judged how I do not turn off my vulnerability, sensitivity, my willingness/need to discuss and examine difficult and uncomfortable things.

As I peruse my Audible library, I recognize that the majority of my books are memoirs and biographies of highly sensitive people who openly faced trauma, spent time in mental institutions or rehabilitation centers for substance abuse.   Strugglers and survivors are my people.  They are the lighthouses.   Fuck the tidy one dimensional clowns, the self proclaimed emotional police. They cannot handle the feelers and go to great measures to silence them/us.

Because of passionate and courageous badass truth seekers: activists, singers, artists, writers, speakers, innovators– who express difficult truths, darkness, yearnings, questions, I am able to breathe and to soldier on.  These are the people whom I count on, trust and look to.  They are the helpers.   They are the feelers.  They are proof of God.  “Look for the helpers.” said Mr. Rogers.  Be a helper and a healer. Never Ever has denying the darkness gotten a suffering person closer to the light.

Today, it is clear to me that people who deny their own pain also will adamantly deny the pain of others. (unwavering denial of pain felt or caused by them) This makes them improbable sources for mercy, compassion, comfort, solace. They do however make great hosts, politicians, salespeople, networkers, attorneys, and performers. In recovery I have been stripped of any need for affiliation with these types. I have watched as those whom I characterize this way are increasingly disturbed by me. This no longer makes me sad. At all. I am a reminder to them of what they do not want to consider.

Not So Classy

I felt thrilled and a little proud-ish to have enrolled in a class at the local university.  I was satisfied by my initiative, planning, execution, arranging time off work, applying for tuition assistance through my company and mostly about becoming a student and learning.

And then the shame, because I had not fully understood the nature of graduate work.  It is not normal or healthy to feel shame for not knowing a thing.  I guess a part of me still worries about what the judgers will think, what it might confirm for the people who do not wish me well. But then I remembered, that is not my business. Anyhow, I had believed that if you take a course after you graduate, you enroll as a graduate student and therefore take a graduate class—because you are not an under-grad, right?  Wrong.

Well– graduate level study assumes a wealth of prior knowledge on the subject matter, of which I had none.  I felt equally excited and confused in day 1 of class, struggled to complete the week’s assignments and checked in with the Professor after the second meeting. She confirmed that it would be a difficult for me to participate and complete assignments.  By that time, the date to change or add classes or to request a full refund had passed.  So, not only did I forfeit the Spring Semester of learning, for which I yearned deeply, I lost money for tuition, parking, books and I felt crummy about myself-but only for a minute.  Because, once I did share with Favorite and Sweet Greg, they each assured me that they too, would have assumed the same.  I knew better than to feel bad- but still felt uncomfortable with myself for not knowing better. It is true, we are only as sick as our secrets. Until I shared about it, it was causing me suffering. Sharing with trusted others is key.

Recovery allows me to develop shame resilience through the understanding and excercising healthy boundaries.  Boundaries, for me, are like a spiritual skin.  They inform me of where I stop and where others begin.  My boundaries have only to do with me– helping me to recognize and honor my own personal & unique needs, limits, and responsibilities — and to leave the rest alone.  What others think, falls outside of my boundaries, and so I waste no energy there. Boundaries guide me to work only on the things I can. (the wisdom to know the difference)

Because I was raised by and with people who blamed others for their behaviors and did not acknowledge or regret their own hurtful and harmful contributions, my perceptions of accountability and culpability were distorted for many years.  I often experienced crippling guilt and shame for things over which I had no control.  And so– I was quick to offload shame and blame to others.  It was all I knew.   Unwarranted shame and guilt left me wanting to hide, deny, and to pretend— to pretend to feel, want, possess, or know things which I did not.  It seemed impossible to identify what I had control and responsibility over. It was confusing–and painful, for everyone. I am grateful for the process of unlearning.

Today, I thought to myself: I am grateful that course did not work out because I would still be missing out on the classroom experience I craved, now, with school closures for CoVid 19.  It is just one of those things.  I am unlearning the myth of shame and working to break the cycle of taking it on and passing it to my children– and this makes me very proud, the most proud. The miracle really is inside the mess, always.

What is Wrong?

Deny, defend, deflect, dilute. I think it is natural to do these things when we are young and full of not knowing how to act right, particularly when we are feeling bad about something, maybe afraid, angry, sad or ashamed.  We might do something unwholesome and then naturally prefer to evade shame and punishment.  Some people, from early on, choose to say or do literally anything to avoid unpleasant consequences—unwilling to acknowledge, admit, accept, and amend.  

These seem to be the same people who apologize profusely for circumstantial things but not for their choices. They are eager for praise and swat down and return rather than accept compliments and tend to fawn and ooze flattery- desperate to be recognized for being polite and friendly. How is it possible to trust or relax with a person always demanding forgiveness for nothing at all and snatching at praise for nearly anything? These types resent me for not caring more about the opinions and pleasure of others. I do care but am not directed by them. Allowing myself to be guided by static principles, allows me instead to act and speak with integrity. The other way did not. These are the folks who fight to uphold comfortable lies and go to war over unpleasant truths.

Nothing to me, feels as hopeful as witnessing my children claim responsibility for their words and actions when they have done harm or broken trust. I love when either they know or they ask how to make reparation- to restore connection which has been compromised.  To be or appear perfect or pleasing is not something I desire or expect from my sons, only to be honest and kind. If nothing else, I need for them to discern the differences between trusted others and non-trusted others. Trusted others will not punish you for displeasing them and will be honest and direct when they feel upset about a thing, allowing for reparations. Non trusted others will always say nothing is wrong and continually seek to get even, usually in underhanded ways. This is the birth place of eggshells- the lack of ease and trust.

Because I grew up void of trust in others or myself, I did not learn how to be trusted or to trust. I was too reactive and defensive to be counted on. The rules were not clear and strictly enforced and I was pretty much always shitting my pants. At some level, I understood this lacking within myself and assumed it to be true of others, as well. Living that way was scary. I had not experienced love and trust. So, I did not know. When we know better we do better.

A common argument in our home arises from bullshit apologies intended to serve as magic wand erasers.  To anything resembling this, I vehemently object: “Fine– I am sorry, can we just move on, it is over”.   But is it really possible to genuinely apologize for a thing said or done and the pain caused, while simultaneously believing we have done no harm?  I think not.

Sometimes when we are feeling sheepish and ready to apologize, we laugh out these words: I am sorry you made me scream at you or I am sorry that you feel I screamed at you. We all get it and like to respond with similar sentiments of forgiveness. I forgive you for making me lose my shit….. We are breaking cycles and learning together, to choose accountability and compassion for even those with whom we may still feel angry.