Submission is for Jiu-Jitsu and Other Stuff

Recovery has taught me that I must be flexible with my approach or method but not with my needs and principles(which are static-not dynamic).  When I flex on my principles or needs, I get bent out of shape.  When I do not flex on my methods, I get bent out of shape.  Being mindful of when it is time to flex and time to stand strong is key.  As a spiritually maturing person,getting to know myself; my needs are no longer preferences and desires that I hope for others to fulfill or validate. My needs are determined by me and not available as a matter for debate.  In work, love, and friendship, I have the luxury of choosing proximity to those who are mature and respectful enough to accept this.  This has been a deal breaker for my family of origin, who treats me as if my values do not exist or  matter or that I owe it to them to put myself aside for the sake of their preferences.  Now placing all of my faith and trust in a power greater than them myself, prohibits my submission to them.  I will reserve submission for Jiu Jitsu and “other stuff”  hehehe!♥

Not being strong-armed or shamed into abandoning myself has made me a whole person.  Being whole is wholesome and only for badasses.  Strong-arming and shaming is for a different kind of “hole”–A-hole!  Very amused with self today.  I think I will copy this drawing into my altered book later, but probably not “perfectly”.  The shapes seem simple enough.  Right?  Thanks for being here!

Moving On is Acceptance

Without spiritual recovery, I would still be trying to MAKE people, places and things be different from how they are.  Irresponsible, childish, and damaging; attempting to be a God of sorts-very unwholesome, this I am unlearning and changing.  In spiritual recovery, I am maturing emotionally, learning to accept the things I cannot change and to change the things I can.  I cannot change a person’s behavior or attitude anymore than I can change the weather.  However, I still have choices about where I place myself and to whom and what I get close to.  I will accept that you “do/say  that” and that it hurts me.  Not a problem to solve; an unpleasant fact to accept.

For me acceptance does not begin with a feeling, it begins with me choosing behavior that demonstrates cooperation with a fact of reality, typically an unpleasant fact.  For now, acceptance is a practice.  Behaviors and attitudes are for changing, not other people.  Detachment with love is for people whom I wish all the best and whose attitudes and behaviors are disrespectful and diminishing.  I will totally love you– from over here.  You don’t have to change a thing.  You be you and I’ll be me….love that James Bay song.  Let it Go.  Letting Go is for Badasses.  White Knuckles—umm, not so much.

Be Relentless: Eliminate the Poison in Your Life

We are not at fault, crazy, or wrong. We have a right to set boundaries and to insist on appropriate treatment. We
can separate another’s issues from our issues, and let the person experience the consequences of his or her own behavior, including guilt. We can trust ourselves to know when our boundaries are being violated.  Taken from Melody Beattie’s  The Language of Letting Go.

SAYing “GOODBYE!” TO TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS BEHAVIOR:   Being spoken to in ways that are meant to demean me is something, that as an adult, I have a choice about. This is a boundary I can not flex on. Recovery has taught me that by accepting shaming, bullying hostility, I am participating in my own abuse.  Sadly, my mother and sister feel entitled to abuse me and so long as I have this boundary, there will be no contact, without the offer of something different and better, respectful. Anyone repeatedly and righteously speaking and behaving in ways intended to diminish or dominate me gets space. I model self-love for my children. Sadly, I might otherwise stay in the ring fighting for my rights and continuing participation in the dysfunction.Big Open Heart, Big Fucken Fences

Recognizing the mental illness and untreated addiction that contributes to this dynamic, allows me to forgive my abusers but still does not make it wise or safe to return for more. The separation is slightly less painful than the abusive entanglement. I think that, to abusers, a boundary  feels like a rejection of them. It is a rejection of abuse.  If ever there is reason to expect something better, I am there. 100%.  I show up for love!  Big Open Heart.  Big Fucken Fences—Forevvvuh

Love is Compromise–Not Submission

In our family, we have each been struggling with near constant unmet needs, and so we gathered around our lil table and are in agreement; we must work together- rather than begging, demanding, resenting, not having OUR WAY.  OUR family meeting allowed us to acknowledge our unique and often conflicting needs, commit openly to asking nicely for what we need,  and to accept no or “not right now” as an answer.   We also agree that compromising-doing a thing that is not our first personal priority is the right thing, at times…No need for secret contracts with cryptic and passive messaging systems.  We are committing to being honest, open and willing;  and being accountable to love.  This is how we will do love.

S1(age 10) needs lots of space to read and just be free from stimulus and engagement—and enjoys lengthy conversations about matters of his choosing on his terms and timing, usually when we are trying to transition in or out of the house or car.

S2(age 8.5) needs near constant engagement with big movements and sounds.

I need to work, clean, make food, have quiet time, exercise and play time.

S2 added our dogs’ needs to the list: Cooper needs to get food(always hungry) Golden needs to walk with Cooper (together of course) For S2, everything is better together! He is such a lover and connector, fun, happy, friendly, playful, totally present and unbothered by most things.

We made our list together and discussed what we will do to make it better for each and all of us. Because if we each work only toward getting what we want, we all lose- frustrated and resentful.  Here are the solutions we have each agreed to:

S2 will offer to play with S1 sometimes and say yes sometimes, even if it is not his first choice, at least once daily.  S1 will give S2 space when it is clear he is too uncomfortable to engage in a way that is fun.  I will say yes to Jiu Jitsu and games of catch more, even when I have not done all of what I feel I need to “get done”. We will work together to serve our furry family members.  S1 and S2 are now aware of the option to sometimes let me finish something before asking for the next thing.

This is almost like a fairy tale.  No?  Honest, Open, and Willing is so badass and wholesome.  I am grateful this is H.O.W. we get to do things in this family.  I will post our hand written, honey smeared document/constitution on our fridge to remind us HOW to do our parts.♥

Courage and Compassion-but first self esteem!

Just before relocating to this coast, I was graced with one uniquely precious relationship which offered my rebirth into MY world. This man, whom we shall call Pete, was the first person,ever, in my life to authentically invite and encourage my full expansion and to embrace the things that make me, me.  Encouraging me-to ask for what I like and say no to what I don’t:  food, touching, topics, outings, whatever. (more…)

I Am Your Biggest Fan- I Am Your Mother

Me to S1, who is losing his shit over irritating behavior of S2:  S1, Is it possible you are over re-acting?  S2 is being insensitive, AND maybe your reaction could be less intense?

S1: It is possible.

We are learning to gradually feel and acknowledge our feelings rather than going straight to reactive anger and escalation. I relate and am not unaware of how much abusers can get away with when their target’s over-the-top reaction steals all attention away from any unfairness which is taking place. Saying “ouch” or “stop”  incorrectly comes with a big ticket.

Random Treasured Exchanges:

S1: Mommy, What will you make for dinner tonight?

Me: How about grilled shrimp?

S1 with genuine joy in his voice:  Yay. Your shrimp are tasty!  Are they the large or the small ones?

Me: Large, of course

S1:  Sigh of peace♥

I treasure his choice of  the word “tasty”.  His uniqueness and innocence are brilliant!

Before school, Me to S2:  Time to brush teeth

S2:  Ok

Me, 15 minutes later, teeth still unbrushed:  How is that tooth-brushing going? (Translation AYFKM-do it already)

S2: I am still processing.

Me: Brush your effing teeth. NOW.

S2:  Ok

Kills me.  Each day, when I remember to stay present, I am better able to focus on their innocence and just be love, no matter what.  And when I am deep into future worries and rehearsals or in the past rehashing and regretting, I miss out on much of their magic.  I love waking them gently in the morning and reading them to sleep.  That they love it too makes my heart feel something like achey, though maybe not best word.  It is just immense and miraculous-perhaps joy.  My sons are 100% Wholesome and Badass.  Courageous, Honest, Caring, Faithful, and funny as shit!

Heartfelt Apologies- A Beginning, Not an End to a Conversation

I have observed with my sister, my ex, my mother  copious apologizing for circumstances, like a messy home, burnt meat, running late due to traffic, or forgetting to close the door, but NOT for unfair behavior or poor judgment or a plain old error-perhaps innocent, but still damaging.  With them, the most acknowledgment I dare hope for is by solicitation and typically an “OK, I am sorry, move on, already.”  Oh-OK, since that feels all safe and loving. NOT.

Over the weekend, a woman whom I do not know well asked if I would watch her son from 11:30 to 3:30 on Sunday.  I was happy to help another single mom.  At 12:00 when there was no sign or word from them she texted to notify me of her plan change 12:30-4:00.  I said nothing but felt the icky/rapey feeling of someone showing disregard for my time and for me.

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Instead of Focusing on Rejection

Instead of focusing on the most recent rejection by my mother, I will take one small action to creatively claim my living space.  This image appeared in a facebook feed for laceandwhishkey.   If you click the image, it will take you there.   Right now, our home feels to me, a place where we sleep and keep our stuff.  I hope to get busy decorating in a way expressive of who I am; what I find attractive,  appealing, and comforting.  I am only now discovering those parts of myself as I climb out of feeling emotionally/creatively stifled to the point of paralysis.
This one simple accent will transform the energy of my home.  Succulents in little black pots.  Neutral color.  Low maintenance.  Simple shapes- appealing, soothing, and doable for someone like myself.  Will I do it?  Or is this just another example of hoarding good ideas without executing?  Perhaps soon I will stage and photograph of the results of my efforts to create comfort and beauty in our house home. (more…)

I Am Not Just Raising Boys

How my day began:  S2 enters my room to ask me if I am awake.

Me: Good morning baby.  Did your brother wake you up?

S2:  No he was awake before me.

Me:  Really?  doing what? Reading?

S2:  Staring at me.  He was stalking me.

Me:  Seriously

S2:  Yes moooom, he was stalking me in my sleep.

These moments are like the sweetest dreams ever.  I could neither imagine nor forge them into existence, just the fruits of connection.  Laughter is key, good wholesome laughter about nothing in particular.  It is an absolute privilege to know and love my sons- who do not “belong to their father and me”, but have been entrusted to us.  I am not their owner or their god. My hope for them- that they develop faith in a power greater than themselves or any other single human, a god that is neither human nor a substance.  They are growing up fast.  Innocence won’t last forever.  But humility,faith, and loyalty can.  I will seek the wisdom to become a more fit teacher and model the things I myself,  am just now learning.  Thank god for all the good humor we enjoy as we learn tough lessons together about how to be in this world.

My Lil family!  ♥  Wisdom from other moms of boys, women of faith, recovery, grace, please share with me.

Eff Socializing and Small Talk-if it is not for you

I simply cannot find the words to describe all the ways in which Jiu Jitsu meets our family’s needs at sensory, spiritual, and social levels. There is something so humbling and safe, and empowering in this martial art. If I had my way, classes would be three hours instead of one. My boys feel similarly and we enjoy coming home and Jiu Jitsu-ing each other. The connection, self-esteem, and confidence that happen in our studio/class defy articulation. It is not friendship so much as kinship. And I wouldn’t call it a fellowship, because I believe that requires social-talking, where this requires talking only when necessary to learn a new position or submission skill. (more…)