Just before relocating to this coast, I was graced with one uniquely precious relationship which offered my rebirth into MY world. This man, whom we shall call Pete, was the first person,ever, in my life to authentically invite and encourage my full expansion and to embrace the things that make me, me. Encouraging me-to ask for what I like and say no to what I don’t: food, touching, topics, outings, whatever. (more…)
Me to S1, who is losing his shit over irritating behavior of S2: S1, Is it possible you are over re-acting? S2 is being insensitive, AND maybe your reaction could be…
I have observed with my sister, my ex, my mother copious apologizing for circumstances, like a messy home, burnt meat, running late due to traffic, or forgetting to close the door, but NOT for unfair behavior or poor judgment or a plain old error-perhaps innocent, but still damaging. With them, the most acknowledgment I dare hope for is by solicitation and typically an “OK, I am sorry, move on, already.” Oh-OK, since that feels all safe and loving. NOT.
Over the weekend, a woman whom I do not know well asked if I would watch her son from 11:30 to 3:30 on Sunday. I was happy to help another single mom. At 12:00 when there was no sign or word from them she texted to notify me of her plan change 12:30-4:00. I said nothing but felt the icky/rapey feeling of someone showing disregard for my time and for me.
Instead of focusing on the most recent rejection by my mother, I will take one small action to creatively claim my living space. This image appeared in a facebook feed for laceandwhishkey. If you click the image, it will take you there. Right now, our home feels to me, a place where we sleep and keep our stuff. I hope to get busy decorating in a way expressive of who I am; what I find attractive, appealing, and comforting. I am only now discovering those parts of myself as I climb out of feeling emotionally/creatively stifled to the point of paralysis.
This one simple accent will transform the energy of my home. Succulents in little black pots. Neutral color. Low maintenance. Simple shapes- appealing, soothing, and doable for someone like myself. Will I do it? Or is this just another example of hoarding good ideas without executing? Perhaps soon I will stage and photograph of the results of my efforts to create comfort and beauty in our house home. (more…)
How my day began: S2 enters my room to ask me if I am awake. Me: Good morning baby. Did your brother wake you up? S2: No he was awake…
I simply cannot find the words to describe all the ways in which Jiu Jitsu meets our family’s needs at sensory, spiritual, and social levels. There is something so humbling and safe, and empowering in this martial art. If I had my way, classes would be three hours instead of one. My boys feel similarly and we enjoy coming home and Jiu Jitsu-ing each other. The connection, self-esteem, and confidence that happen in our studio/class defy articulation. It is not friendship so much as kinship. And I wouldn’t call it a fellowship, because I believe that requires social-talking, where this requires talking only when necessary to learn a new position or submission skill. (more…)
For the first time in almost 2 years, I am able to mentally settle down enough to look through and work in my altered books. My soulmate-best friend, who came to me late in life and at exactly the right time, is an art therapist. For yeeeears, she ♥harassed ♥me to craft with her and I REFUUUUUUSED- unwilling AND uncertain that I could produce anything enjoyable or respectable. My first surrender to her art torture was a collage. I actually created a vision board(which feels queer for me to even say) and in the hours and days of harvesting suitable images, I discovered what was important to me, about me. I fell in love with the process. With anything I “create”, I tend to be critical and ambivalent about my finished work.(Previously learned, self-limiting attitudes I am now unlearning) When I look at anything drawn, colored, painted, copied, pasted, or even cooked by me, I can see the white knuckles and the fear all over it, my intensity– and that WAS painful to acknowledge. I do not love being intense…but now I own it and enjoy closeness with those who appreciate it and distance from those who judge. It is how and who I am. In-tense! (more…)
Observing my family of origin from an emotionally safe distance allows me to see the extreme and intense ways of their day-to-day functioning. Frequent and casual but righteous use of the words: always, never, love,…
Money Is not my problem or my solution. Though it is nice when it is not a constant concern!! When my boys were tiny and chronically ill with a father who could not…
The language of this article feels so intense and psychotic, because this is intense and psychotic...and it is 100% my experience with my sister. There is no answer or solution other than No…
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