We cant control other people's reactions to us, only what we make them mean.

Connection & Purpose

I was raised on reduced by the continual messaging that my sole function was to make myself pleasing to those displeased by me…. To seek approval from the disapproving: TO dedicate myself to curbing who I was, what I felt, wanted, needed, liked, disliked, feared – Performance and pretense were requirements, but only if I hoped to be accepted non-banished and non-reproached. Unworthy, unlovable, defective, punishable for being too muchy and not enoughy of certain things. Those voices of disapproval became my own voice and identity. I thought they were reflecting back to me who I actually was. And you know what….fuck that.

In order to qualify for “safety and connection” I would have had to, basically, become someone other than myself.  It made no sense and did not work out for me, at all.  I nearly died trying, first in my family of origin, then in a marriage which mimicked that original dynamic.

Decades without the ability to discern authentic & meaningful purpose and connection, wrecked me at a cellular level, leaving me lost, untethered, confused and very very angry about being denied what I craved and at some level, knew that I deserved (and which seemed impossible for me to “earn” and sustain)- assurance of a safe and nurturing place in which I might thrive and guidance from people who could be trusted and kind.

As my teen boys now seek (though unconsciously) to know “to whom do I belong” and “where will I head”, I watch and listen closely.  They observe their father and me with our diametrically opposing beliefs (and results) regarding these matters.  I feel both hopeful and pleased that they seem to be grasping that: true purpose brings true connection…  a higher purpose — greater than personal (and often uninformed and reactive) wants.  I recall with shocking clarity how my believing wrong and untrue things led me to want wrong things(things not meant for me) and do wrong(unwholesome) things.

Long Story Short: When people are not comfortable with or accepting of us, that is not our cue to be different, but to beWARE: Those are not our people. Some people will simply not like, appreciate, or understand us, in fact they may wish to harm and diminish us, as the only way they know, to manage their own discomfort. That is proof only of THEIR issue and defect. Oh, and also, fuck them.

Very ranty today after more horseshit maneuvers by someone with whom I must deal, for as long as we both shall live. While this post is not my most wholesome or badass, it is recovery at work. Because instead of telling him about himself, I pop off here, in my space, with only those who care to know what I might feel or have to say.

Mercy Wholsome Badass

Mercy

So…. One of my tattoos is the word “mercy”.

MERCY:  compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one’s power to punish or harm.   

It was around age 30 when I was first able to discern those rare and random occasions(while with my FOO, and then my marriage) in which I could sense moments of non-banishment.  Not due to kindness, compassion, empathy, or even mercy. Those were simply the times in which I happened to present as useful, amusing, pleasing, pleased (rarely this) and not needing.  Most especially the latter.  Not overtly desiring or or expressive of a need for anything, which was not freely offered(or collectively appreciated) was the requirement. So basically shutting TF up, getting small, and denying my reality.  I was terrible at this.  Put out or be put out. No mercy.  No love.  No acceptance.  No safety. Only eggshells and shame…oh, and rage, of course. A fuk-ton of anger. My FOO and marital home houses literally pulsed with rage, both unspoken and screamed.

It was very fucked up and also unsustainable.

So, now that I am super in the know(lol- total newb- love rookie, actually), I absolutely love love love the practice of being merciful.  I am frequently in a state of disbelief that MERCY is even a real thing that we can learn, do,  model for our children and practice with those whom we have decided to judge as least deserving.  I had previously come to learn that they (we) were meant for punishing, withholding, and pushing to the margins.  Dismiss, ignore, invalidate, smear, withhold, destroy.  Super Hitlery and terrifying.   PSA:  Nobody’s worth can be proved or disproved.  Efforts to do either are proof of unwellness and brokenness at the deepest levels.  I am now gratefully in recovery— unlearning the things that made me believe and then behave badly.  

Anyway, on a less meta note:  I am heading out to play with Favorite and her niece for a few hours before Sweet Greg arrives.  Boys are with their dad, so perhaps also I will get the house tidied, while I contemplate mercy and try to be receptive to Sweet Greg’s unconditional love. After nearly 6 years, it can still feel unnatural, uncomfortable, and completely fkn unbelievable.

I am a work in progress.

Joy- Word Text Photo

JOYful Thanksgiving

It was happy, fun, funny, yummy, cozy. Each and all of us were both free and held. Diametrically opposed to my previous tradition of: untethered and trapped.

Anticipation leading up to “special days” is difficult for me. And I cannot help but marvel over each special day, in which I experience sustained and sustainable loving connection, peace, and JOY. I am capable. I am worthy. I did it. I do it. Together, with people who love me—one holiday at a time.

Beyond grateful.

You can bet money that I will still trip TF out in the days leading up to Christmas Eve. Even with five rock solid great ones under my belt, I lack holiday confidence and anticipation of the positive type.

Bart Simpson Meme about toxic family nightmares

Another Thanksgiving

For only the briefest of moments, I considered feigning, here, as if I felt purely serene and celebratey about today, Thanksgiving.   But why?  For whom would I be posing?  Recovery frees me from the urge to seek approval from the disapproving. If a person sits in judgement of my struggle and pain, or my sharing of it, that is not my concern. Those are the folks from whom I am unhooking and healing.

Last night, I slept poorly and in the hours intended for rest, I obsessed about difficult and scary Thanksgivings with my FOO and in my unfortunate marriage, in which certain others felt it was their duty to insure that each person have the exact holiday experience that they wanted them to have: either feeling safe and included or excluded and overlooked- a cautionary example for all to witness and heed.  

My boys and I are excited to spend THIS day with Favorite and family, where we are unconditionally welcome, wanted, included. Favorite was gracious enough, to suggest: “if you are feeling generous, feel free to invite the boys’ father”.  She gets that in my vision of our cross country move, I was most hopeful about our continued ability to work together, as co-parents, sharing responsibility and special occasions.  So, I asked the boys to find out if their had plans(with others), which I doubted.  He does not.  It was decided. I shall invite him, even sensing the likelihood of him rejecting the offer in some way which would leave me feeling degraded.

I was thrilled at the idea of my children having mom and dad again, able to celebrate and commune, at the same table (and in knowing that no matter what Favorite and family know of our story, that they would include him fully- not just “allow” but also shun him).  Because they pull for us as a family.  

After further examination of this option, with both Sweet Greg and Favorite, it was made clear for me, that A) He does not deserve it and B) this is an (emotionally and mentally) unsafe plan for me. I would surely fool myself into believing that a shared holiday celebration is evidence that the boys’ father has now decided in fact, to surrender his need to position himself as an enemy and threat to me- which opposes his consistent patterns of behavior.  I argued that while I do agree that he does not “deserve” it, my boys deserve it. And- Mercy is not earned but offered.  Favorite rebuttled with “Yes, AND–him asking you for help and you showing up to help, would be merciful but you offering access to the sacred, is something else entirely”.

I feel disconsolate(for my boys), that their dad is all alone—and also cannnot be with us for our holiday tradition, which we love and treasure. I told them they could offer themselves to him for Thanksgiving if that felt like the right thing to do. I will not lie or pretend though, that I have not had some schadenfreude thoughts of: Ha ya bastard! You tried to crush me, repeatedly—To snatch at what was not yours and NOW you are fkn left with the results of your best efforts, only yourself. And still, my truthiest truth is THAT I want us to coparent in peace, if not also some harmony, sharing the hard and necessary and also celebrations and achievements. I will always want and be open to the healing required to do that. And I have recovery to help me navigate, to be merciful and also honest about the very real responsibility to protect my space from that which knowingly threatens it.

God please help me set aside everything I think I know about myself, love, connection, and especially You: for an open mind and a new experience with myself, love, connection, and especially You.

Random Thoughts on Love, Parenting, & Truths

+++Love is inconvenient, often difficult.  And IT is much more than enjoying, being attached, attracted to or glad for a thing.  Love is a verb- evidenced by behavior that is benevolent, kind, accepting(of the innate value we each have as humans). Hate is also a verb— more serious than disliking a thing the most amount. To hate, is to desire tearing down and destroying. I believe both love and/or hate are first introduced and learned at home. AND can be unlearned later, in recovery, for those of us fortunate enough to find it.

+++I am still learning the difference between emotional resilience (“thick skin”) and allowing  my emotional reality to be negated.  Taking the high road has come to mean walking way from people who measure my strength and goodness by my willingness to stay and to take shit, while thinking I deserve it.

+++Me being a “difficult” child was not a test of me, about my lovability.  It was a test of and for my parents and relatives, guardians, and protectors.  It is not a child’s job to shape shift to make a parent more comfortable, to make their lives easier.  What I find interesting, is that my FOO would like to justify their hostile behaviors and diminishing messaging to me and about me (You are burdensome, alone, on your own, unewelcome and will be removed if….) by proclaiming my insanity. It is true. I was literally deranged, even as a toddler— from trying to cope with and mange the unmanageable. So, if I needed mental help, why was nobody getting me some? Where was the help for THE insanity and unwellness? I suspect that me receiving help, may have revealed things, not everybody wanted to acknowledge and address.

+++In recovery, we keep showing up to practice loving– even when we do not understand, approve, or enjoy a person, place, or thing.  To love— is to want and act in good faith, toward a good/ positive outcome, even when we don’t know exactly what that means.  Sometimes loving requires that we wait, ask hard questions with hard answers, listen, wait more, pray…. Love does not belittle, shame, banish and gossip, though.  Of this, I am now certain. That I get to practice good healing love with my children, Sweet Greg, and Favorite is a giant ass miracle of recovery. As I am being reparented in recovery, I cannot help but marvel over the things I am able to learn, about god, love, parenting, connection, and faith.

Lack of shame is my super power. Wholesome Badass

Why (subtext:You suck and are crazy and we disapprove of you)

Today’s rant is a follow up to my previous post regarding systems which do not allow for complex and uncomfortable feelings, having them, safely expressing them, exploring them, coping with and resolving them.

So, while all of the team players actively avoid honestly sharing or acknowledging their own difficult feelings, they also practice this other confusing(for me) line of behavior.  A calling out of others, for having a feeling.  Not curiosity or interest and desire to hear about it but a passive aggressive tactic meant to silence, shut down, and shame.

Example:  A conversation gets hot.  And the one managing to appear the least affected, skillfully demands of the the person failing to mask emotion, one of the following.  The question is never a genuine inquiry, but a condenscension/shut down, dominance tactic.

“Why are you so angry?”  (Look at yourself- get it together- You are wrong)

“Why are you yelling?”  (You look unhinged and crazy- You are wrong)

“What are you getting so upset about?”  (WE don’t understand and highly disapprove—You are so confusing.  Nobody gets you.  Check yourself before you wreck yourself- You are wrong)

“Why are you so emotional?”  (Ew- Shame on you- You are wrong)

My favorite: “What is your problem/ What is wrong with you?” (You are not worth dealing with- You are wrong)

My boys frequently ask the other why they have done or said a thing, but they are not asking. They are declaring: You failed. You are lame. You are wrong and bad. You are bizarre. Nobody gets you. WE all disapprove. Nowhere in the question is there curiosity or a hint of genuine interest. We discuss this. Of course. I explain that you can judge or disapprove, just be honest about it. Say to yourself, inside your head: “I am being judgmental and disapproving.” And then work on that.

We are breaking the cycles of toxic shaming. Sweet Greg knows exactly what to do when I try to pull that with him. Fuck— who taught him this wizardry??? I frequently will “challenge” him with a statement (judging and disapproving more than curious) that begins with “I don’t understand how(or why)……..” And he calmly says: “You don’t have to”.

Fuck that whole scheme of trying to make a person uncomfortable about who they are and what they feel and choose. Get curious or go fuck yourself.

Also, in my lil family, we are onto the people that begin their judgments in one of the following ways: “I am just confused that__________ or I am curious how _________”. Because they are not curious or confused, they are asking you to defend yourself and also not interested in hearing or listening.

Beware. Jilan Catherine Ghoneim

your basic needs will be too much for an emotionally unavailable person

Fight Starters 100% Guaranteed

When you go to therapy and the therapist encourages you to implement the technique of I statements, as an effective way to share your needs and feelings, definietly try that- ONLY- if you are approaching a person who is open and intetersted in nurturing, connecting, and healing. Otherwise, it will not work out, ever, at all.

Below are some examples of how some of the greatest rifts in my family and marriage began and left us always with nothing but eggshells and resentment. My spoken need,as a child,sister,wife— for assurance, security, and connection was NOT WRONG, but definitely unwelcome. I was loooking to the wrong people to provide that. And so what if I was needy and complicated, I still deserve those things. Those are basic needs. Going without, left me spinning and frantic, more so, each day. The consistent and collective efforts to silence me made me hysterical- very non silent and acty outy.

Maggie: I feel sad, uncomfortable, anxious, worried.   Them: Why must you make problems where there are none?  Can we talk about something else besides your feelings and issues?

Maggie: What is wrong?  Them: Why does something always have to be wrong?

Maggie: Are you mad at me? Them: Nobody is mad. Now I am mad because you wont let things just be.

Maggie: Did I do something to upset or anger you? Them: Do you always have to do this?

Maggie: Can we talk?  Them: Ugh. You always have to bring up something.

Maggie: What is going on? Them: I don’t know what you are talking about. Stop looking for trouble.

Maggie: What is the matter? Them: There is nothing the matter, except for you insisting that there is.

Maggie: Is there something the matter? Them: There is nothing wrong and nothing to discuss.

Maggie: Can we talk? Them: Oh, here we go again.

Maggie: I need to talk.  Them: Again?  What Now?  Jilan Catherine Ghoneim

How difficult would it be to say and mean: “Tell me what is going on with you.  I’d like to understand.”?There was one message for me: STFU—You are on your own. Literally nobody was interested, at all, in anything but me shutting up and getting small (wanting, feeling, thinking, only as they did). They needed me to be small and broken so they could righteously ignore, dismiss, punish and rescue me. Always the claiming to be heroes and victims of me.

Systematic shut down from those who hear everything as a criticism of them and not as a need of mine…like– if I need something which you are not naturally inclined to give, you are wrong or I am wrong and we must battle, to determine who is perfect, right, and a winner. I am certain I was none of those, ever, in my life. I am also certain that the assigned script was devastating for me.

There was a part of me which felt that I could not rest unless and until (the thing) had been shared, witnessed, affirmed, heard, addressed. …and my restlessness served only as proof of my problematic being. That is what we always seemed to be “debating” or feuding about- my wrongness. What a fkn gaslighty nightmare. I am grateful to be officially orphaned and divorced. I wished it were not true. But, it is very true. Holidays are really kickin up some dust.

Doing The Lord’s Work

This scene is beyond traumatizing for me. Righteous, evil, coward corruption….insanity. The hiding behind a facade of goodness to do the most monstrous of things, in plain sight of many. Same terrifying ego-maniacal scneario with Derek Chauvin looking directly into the crowd and camera, snuffing out a man’s life, with confidence. Very very familiar- Performative virtue- in which appearing to be acting in virtue, TRUMPS actually living a virtuous life. Jilan Catherine Ghoneim

Boardwalk Empire S01E11 Paris Green Clip

The right people will see you. The right people will hear you. The right people will feel you. The right people will do right by you. Surround yourself with the right people.

Not A Great Fit

My personality was not a good fit for my mother and since she had not ever considered choosing a thing(including me) which could rarely please or satisfy her-  I think this made her feel bad about herself (shame) which she could not effectively handle and so she off loaded that to me– to deal with. I think her inability to get me to be how and who she wanted (more convenient- less uncomfortable- easier) was upsetting to her and self reflection and adjustment by her had not been considered. One of us had to be wrong. Right?

The probelm was collectively, though probably subconsciously, designated: as Magda’s failure to please and satisfy her mother. BAD GIRL. I feel like in the reparenting I receive through my program of recovery, I have learned that a person’s inability to be loving is on them, that is their deficiency- and not a measure of another person’s (non)lovability.

The twelve steps and traditions teach me to choose a thing which may not feel pleasing or satisfying- because it is morally, ethically, spiritually a correct thing to do.  It is the mature and wholesome choice. And nothing made that more evident, than motherhood.

The messaging made clear for me and for my mother’s family that until I became satisfying & pleasing, I was to be NOT chosen.  I was not able to manage my painful and confusing reactions to that, as a child or even an adult -And then I found the rooms of Al-Anon.

I observed this same style of (dis)connecting (either favoring or NON-favoring) and banishing, in my mother’s mother, my sister and later, a person I married.  Though clearly, when I married, I was choosing what was familiar, rather than what was right, pleasing OR satisfying.  It was almost my final lesson! There was no sane or healthy hint of a good reason to have even gone on the second date. So cringey and sad for the lil Magda inside me, who did not know to do or expect better. Oh…. the gifts of low self esteem and self loathing, they really do never stop giving.

I now recognize that wanting to have, say or do a thing does not make it the right thing to do.  No matter how strong the urge. And no individual is wrong or punishable for failing to please or satisfy another human.  For so long, I had no idea. BUT –  literally IT IS nobody’s job or purpose to please and satisfy—unless that it is actually their job, like they get paid to do that and have knowingly entered into a contractual agreement to do so.

I cannot help but angst in observation of my boys’ confusion over and craving for healthy connection.  The fallout from their father’s joint venture with my sister to alienate them from me and me from my family have been devastating for them and their developing beliefs about being authentic v. people pleasing, family, closeness, loyalty. Where will they find and learn it?

I feel that I do, against all odds, provide good modeling for healthy safe sustained and deep mutual connections.  I am not cool or fun with money, toys, or means to do much more than provide a nice-ish home with the basics.  BUT– I remain faithfully and deeply connected to those with whom I do choose to be in relationship.  That could not be bought or faked(by me)- as I am financially limited AF, as well as a total failure at feigning happy-looking, fun-making, social staging, photo-oppy type moments.

Things Which No Longer Cause Me Shame- Maggie and Jilan Ghoneim, Catherine Whitney

Daily Reminders

I need daily reminding as I am fast to forget and even quicker to obsess over negative myths and programming. When I am not mindful over my beliefs, like vigilantly so, I fall deep into the toxic shame spiral.

While I no longer suffer shame over those things(in the photo), I am still unlearning and… have not forgotten. For nearly 11 years, I have been developing something not unlike pride (maybe self esteem, dignity, or self worth?), around the NEW codes of conduct which I get to learn and practice in recovery life.

For four decades I thoroughly believed in what a hopeless, pathetic, sorry human I was, and affirmed it often, with my ill-informed ways of coping. My belief was that I deserved, caused, OR imagined my abuse, because not only was I bad, I was crazy. I certainly grew to behave as if both were true. We learn what we live.

For 11 years, now, I have been exercising the practices of apologizing and amending, appropriately and promptly as called for.

I had always done a lot of saying sorry– but frequently for wrong things and in wrong ways for wrong reasons. The following behaviors had, prior to program, remained foreign (having not recognized those around me as doing or saying anything remotely similar) to me:

Accepting responsibility for my behaviors known to have caused pain; saying “I was wrong” and/or “I have caused you pain”. Expressing Regret: “I am sorry that I did or said X” without excuses or justifcations. Repenting: Offering to do better/differently with an expressed preference and value to NOT hurt the person again. Requesting forgiveness and another chance– calling on my courage and humility – willing to risk rejection.

I feel kind of great-ish about my ability and value, to now own and correct my unfortunate behaviors–like I may be the first EVER in my family to know and do these things. Revolutionary and cycle breaking! I have not witnessed or experienced this with any person to whom I have been genetically or maritally linked. But, today, in my lil family here, and with Favorite and Sweet Greg, we do these things. We choose making things right in our relationships over BEING RIGHT.