Triangulation-How It Works

Triangulation can occur in any relationship, but it is very common in a relationship with a narcissist. It may happen at home, at work, with friends, or within in family of origin. He may pit you against another woman, several other women, his mother, his friends, or any other person he can get to engage in his “victim-playing” who is willing to serve the role he assigns. He may also adopt the role of Persecutor to assign blame or Rescuer to maintain control of his image. In the end, this travel around the triangle is how he dumps shame and finds someone to blame for his misery. If there is always a role to play, there is always a way to escape responsibility by shifting the position on the triangle.

The answer to the exhaustive push and pull of a triangulated dynamic in a relationship with a narcissist is to simply step off the triangle and refuse to play. It’s a game you cannot win.

Control by Triangulation
If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, any third party – to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate victim. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he always dumps, his props, unceremoniously when the job is done.
Another form of control by triangulation is to engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment Narcissist's Prayerand humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, social exclusion and shame) against the victim. In this instance, society becomes the instrument of the abuser .By clever seduction, through words and posturing, he entices his pawns to do his dirty work for him. Unaware, they exclude his victim, being persuaded by his rendition of truth, they take up his cause and his right and align themselves against the one he controls.

The malignant narcissist creates perpetual triangles around the one he desires to control. He sees through these eyes, eyes with no empathy, that perpetuates constant, residual torment, for his partner. Claiming that he is being tormented by his victim, he creates rescuers who then torment his victim, thinking they are protecting him from the “bully”. Doing this through his friendships, family members, associates and whoever he can entice; he remotely views his operation, like a director of a movie. In other words, he will frame a picture and put his secondary supply in that frame,the borders always being the shape of a triangle and the picture within, being a distorted truth he propagates. Usually, the claims he makes of his victim are the truth of himself and while hiding behind his victim, he will spin doctor and gaslight until he gets his desired result. Defamation of character and destroying the credibility of the one he victimizes is his goal. He convinces his pawns that his victim is the persecutor and he is the victim. The naked eye cannot see this game of illusions and that is why he engages others into his web. They do for him what he orchestrates in secret.

All I can say is wow.  I copied this entire post from Sea of Glass on FB You can click anywhere on the post to go directly to her site.  Every word is relevant to my current experience with my sister and my ex and I could not say it better.  None of the above words are my own, although they clearly define my experience to a tee.  If you see it happening, do not be a bystander.  This makes people want to die….Seriously devastating.  

Then You Win

To me, winning means I get to discover and choose to be my best me.  I get to strive spiritually every day, to live in ways that are right for my family(loyalty family, not blood relations) and unharmful to others, though perhaps unpopular.  In my family of origin, they do not make the distinction between being unpopular and behaving in ways that are harmful.  They retaliate at anything displeasing/irreverent to them, with action and words that diminish and degrade.

My winning means, I do not fight.  I do not submit.  I just live and speak my truth- accept the unpopularity of my boundaries and choices and the consequences imposed by a FOO, feeling righteously in charge.  Winning means letting people be, without attacking, pretending, playing small or being silent.  Winning means speaking up in ways that are true and necessary for myself and others who may not yet have the courage.  Courage is winning.  I do not win against anyone.  I win against the urge to engage in ways that are unwholesome.

Modeling newly learned recovery principles and authenticity for my boys is WINNING.  Winning has nothing to do with them.  I fight old urges, the ways of my upbringing, and historical reactions to insane behavior that feels to me, like abuse.

I win by not engaging.  I win by letting natural consequences speak for themselves as well as those imposed on me.  Sometimes winning is just not giving AF and other times it is totally giving AF and surrendering to God and not THEM or the damage they knowingly do.

What does winning look and feel like to you?

The Difference Is….

I think the most wholesome thing I do for my children is teaching and allowing them to experience and process their feelings, and to acknowledge that while feelings are not universal truths, they are real and not to be debated.  Trusted others do not debate the validity of your emotions or ask you to defend or deny them.  We have a lot of feelings in our home.  Feelings, playing, honesty, boundaries, and healing are messy.  We do the mess!

So, we have the turmoil and tension from the coupling of my sister and my ex and his sister.  And we acknowledge and discuss the ways that presents hardship for us, as a family.  There is no pretending that the unkindness is acceptable, normal  or imagined.  We do not believe that this tension is healthy or a sign of unworthiness or personal failure.  I am proud(yes, proud) that my recovery allows me to do this for them, with hopes that it may be easier for them to discover the gifts of who they are.  When consumed by fear and shame and uncertainty, it is easy to lose your way.  They may still get lost for 1000 other reasons, but it will not be because they have been required by me to pretend to feel, be, or think as if they are someone other than themselves.  How could I love them if I could not know them?  And how could I know them if I did not allow them to be who they are.  Miracles are happening.  The difference in the type of parent I would have been and the type of parent I am– are nothing short of miraculous.  I am far from perfect, but I am damn good to my sons.

Raising mindful children with the value and freedom to be authentic and to seek and treasure others who share that– is wholesome and badass and makes my heart smile.  Squee!  We are not perfect, we make mistakes and hurt and disappoint each other.  We apologize, amend, and comfort.  We ask, we listen, we laugh, heal, and learn to live–truly together, not just under the same roof.  When we eat together, it is not just people at one table, we are all in.  We are each 100% who we are at the table and in our lives together.  If you cannot do it with family, dear gawd, with whom are you supposed to do it?  We do not just live together or share meals and responsibilities.  We belong together.  We are family.  There is a difference.  I love my recovery and MY family!  And you!

Magda Gee

How Upsetting for Children

Thank God for Restraint…….as I surely had none before program.  While I will no longer jump in the ring, the temptation to react to degrading comments is immense.  The boys’ dad just came with his sister to pick up our children, and I asked if the schedule for our Tuesday dinner visit had been changed.  When he answered yes.  I said “No problem, in the future, can you let me know when you make plans for them on my scheduled time?”.  Verfuckenbatim! PS-this is the second request of this nature in the last 2 weeks.  I will continue asking nicely.  I won’t fight about it and I will not pretend for a moment, that it is acceptable.

And his sister sneered and said in front of our boys “on and on she goes”  …going on about what, requesting pertinent information and respect for our legal agreement, and serenity for myself and my boys?  Yes, L, I do…and I will continue to request it no matter how you object.  So grateful for enough recovery to have only, quietly uttered. while closing the door–“Your behavior  is impressive”  Mostly because I know she beleives she is impressive for reasons of which I remain unaware.   Kindness and benevolence are the most impressive things.  by this measure, I have not been impressed in the way in which may be desire.  The perpetual triangulation is impressive, just not in appositive way. Unrecovered me was tempted to say:  “Please shut up”  “And consider the gift of an unexpressed thought, particularly when unwholesome…ummmmkkkkaaaaay? Loving Aunts people do not impose this conflict on their innocent nephews, where it can be avoided.  Check yourself.” (more…)

Children-Make Them Feel Loved

Tension persists as my boys’ father, actively defies our legally binding custodial settlement.  Feeling even more above the law, now cozy with my sister(married to a judge).  My ex’s continued withholding information regarding changes by him for plans with our boys during my scheduled time, as well as relevant health information is hostile.  He seems hungry for a reaction, a lecture, or snarky comment by me.  Not happening.  I may however, say, in front of our children,  “Hey, when making plans for the boys during their week with me, please talk to me about it first. ” #kthanksbye.  The reason for saying it in front of them is so they may witness that what I say about him is what I will say to him, alignment of my words, actions, and principles!!!  This is recovery and progress for which I feel immensely proud.  From what I have read, the abuse that follows having a clear and sane boundary is standard reaction by those affected with NPD and untreated addiction issues.  In my FOO and marriage, making a clear request or statement of my limits was always the beginning of a cold war. (more…)

Love is Many Things, BUT Never Deceitful

I will begin by saying this is not my most wholesome post.  My wholesome pleas have been mocked and dismissed.  This is where I am.  Maybe tomorrow will be different.

I am feeling especially sore as we approach the one year anniversary of the birthday dinner for my son at my sister’s home to include my foo, ex, children, and my ex in-laws AND not me, followed by a confirmation group email as to why it was necessary.  The continued arrangement- and strain in co-parenting that persists as a result- seem impossible to forget or forgive.  Yes, I am angry. Anger expressed directly or openly in my family is deemed proof of defectiveness.  I respectfully, disagree.  I openly own that this is cause for anger which I will share in a place where I cannot be silenced or erased.

Recovery teaches me the value of feelings, to respect them- whether I understand or share them, they are real and can teach us, though not universal truths.  Recovery also teaches me to stick close to those who solicit authenticity, which by definition, requires non-masking of feelings and direct communication.  I limit my chosen interactions to Trusted Others– where there is no expectation to apologize for emotions and how I choose to survive what I experience as painful and abusive.  I am no longer available for the debate over the validity of my emotional experiences.   I hold myself  accountable only for my behavior, not my feelings, and definitely not for anybody else’s behavior.  

Honor loyalty with loyalty and disloyalty with space.  How do you handle disloyalty?  Is there a better way?  

Decades dedicated to futile attempts to force people #behindthecurtain to see what my sister does.  Failure. ?

In the last year, as horrifying as it is, I am grateful that Catherine Ghoneim Whitney put her #hatefulshit into group emails to which I declined response and/or responded with honor.  At first I felt #humiliated because our family culture upholds that their #badbehavior is a reflection of me.  That I cause, earn, deserve  abuse, which evidently I also imagine.  Really?  Oh.  Okay.  My miracle is that I did not at any point resort to retaliating or defending myself.  Just asking why?   Why would you do this to my children? (more…)

What Is that smell? Could it be bullshit?

Transparency is on my mind lately, probably always will be at the fore front after a lifetime of gaslight experiences, always being told that I am not the best narrator of my own emotional and physical experience.  Now, the values of clarity, directness, transparency, benevolence are at the top of the list of qualities required for “trusted other” status.  These things remain static regardless of mood or desire.  Recovery teaches me that catering to erratic moods and desires is not my job, and it is impossible to do with or for people who are not even emotionally honest about their actions and motivations and natural consequences.   (more…)

The Fighter

Love is a promise, not an emotionKeith Urban “The Fighter” I actually love this song. Because I feel so deeply and unconditionally loved by sweet Greg, after decades of believing that at a cellular level and since birth I am unlovable.  It is one of my sister and mother’s favorite things to illuminate. This song also makes me feel good because I am  loyal fighter of this sort for my sons and my teeny lil tribe. I will not sit by while anyone diminishes or takes advantage.  And if there is nothing I can do to stop it, I can listen and love.

The lyrics on top are the actual chorus lyrics. The set below, in red, I drafted for my own amusement, and hopefully yours.

“What if I fall (I won’t let you fall)
What if I cry (I’ll never make you cry)
And if I get scared (I’ll hold you tighter)
When they’re tryna get to you baby I’ll be the fighter
What if I fall (I won’t let you fall)
What if I cry I promise I’ll never make you cry
And if I get scared (I’ll hold you tighter)
When they’re tryna get to you baby I’ll be the fighter”

What if I fall (better be cuz I pushed you down)
What if I cry (You had it comin)
And if I get scared (Its just for attention)
When they’re tryna get to you baby I’ll be right there with them
What if I fall (You’re gonna fall so hard)
What if I cry( Nobody gives a shit )
And if I get scared (I’ll show you scary)
When they’re tryna get to you baby I’ll be their ally.

If my child was struggling, I would be dying for someone else to be their person and love up on them, not rally family and friends against them.  The idea of my  boys one day aligning against me is more comforting than either of them trying to join forces with me or anyone against the other.  I cannot (as an adult, with recovery) relate or appreciate a desire to triangulate and alienate, even a little against my children.  My boys belong to each other 100%–not to me or their dad.  Please God let them learn loyalty as a way of life, even while betrayal is what is being modeled for and required of them.  Ugh.  I love you, boys.  I will do anything for you, always, no matter what.  I will be your fighter.  If  you are sick, sad, hurt, in trouble, I got you.  Always.  I am your mama.  xoxo  I wished I could spare you. 

Independence Day 2017- Freedom from ……..

Waking up kid-free, people free, day off, with only my dogs and an invitation to join trusted others without a requirement to do so is niiiice. The fact is I need lots of people-free time to recover. Not to recover from the people I love(ok, well maybe a little from them) but to recover so that I have something good to give them, not just my 48 years of fatigue. I have been learning about trauma. A reality that is taboo, too obscene and scandalous to speak of, yet honest dialog is essential for healing, no matter how many decades have since passed. Time does not heal shit. Truth does. The knowledge of our experience is stored in our bodies. (more…)

Mindful Parenting

Were my parents horrible?  We were a horrible fit. Being less sensitive, more concerned with pleasing them may have helped. Instead, I sought gracelessly, if not pathetically, a quiet gentle place, low sensory input food and comfort, in massive quantities, along with compassion, and nurturing from those responsible for me. And, overall, it was an effing disaster.  100%  I am not a disaster.  That situation was is a disaster.

Alienation from family goes back as early as I can remember- for my failure to be a more comfortable child, which was judged as being difficult and over time developed into an inferno of anger.  I recall no observable acts of nurturing or comforting, seeking to understand, only a collective effort to make it(my inconvenient and unattractive feelings) fucken stop; shame, banish, gossip, shun. These tactics did nothing– but teach me that I was unworthy of unconditional love, comfort, and connection and that it was ok to behave this way to people who are different, struggling, needing, or in any way threatening.

If crushing me into more manageable pieces was the plan, my older sister and maternal grandmother eagerly followed mother’s suit and at times would grace me with kindness, provided I was not noticeably distressed.  This intergenerational dysfunction, stops with me. I choose break the cycle (and therefore ties – their choice)—for my sons.  It was so confusing to be “accepted” when I appeared ok and banished when I wasn’t and devastating to have not cracked the code on this until much later in life.  I did learn in college to write letters pretending to be happy because I started to see how it worked but I couldn’t manage in their presence to be relaxed and calm and just lighten the fuck up, no matter how many times I was asked.  I handled everything poorly.  It was all too much, made no sense, and made me want to die..literally.

In parenting my own children, I am intentional in learning, practicing and sharing healthy boundaries–so that they may experience the reality that we are separate,  and very much connected, no matter what.   They can count on me and on each other.  We take care of one another, intentionally working together to meet our own and each other’s needs.   We are ALL unique individuals, valued and worthy, exactly as we are on any given day. I tell them this and I follow through by living a life that says so.  For them to feel safe, secure, grounded, supported, confident enough to unapologetically explore the gifts of who they are, what they like, what they are good at, what they are interested in–THESE are my only parenting goals. To choose courage, kindness, and each other first- good and loyal brothers and citizens.  They belong first to each other and then to me.

I have been saved by a spiritual program,  sparing my children much of the trauma that I surely would have unknowingly handed right to them.  They watch and learn as I struggle with the depression and grief of my FOO.  They recognize the unkind and hurtful nature of the unwholesome alliance between my sister and ex.  In addition to the loss of innocence, the unfortunate triangulation has cost them a genuine desire to know people who DESPERATE to love them, and whose definition of love does not appeal to them.  We choose kindness….and acknowledge, as with a rattle snake, you give unkindness space.

We don’t have to judge unkindness and we cant change it for others, but we can go where love is wholesome.  Wholesome Love is unconditionally kind, to people, animals, and the planet.  Obviously we are all human and often fail in all ways, at times-and then amend. BUT kindness is the value and standard in our family life.  We are mindful of the difference between kindness and friendliness.  It is possible to be one with out the other.  My sister and I are brilliant examples of each.

I now possess the super power to say difficult things, without being mean or loud and also to know when my voice is not welcome.  I can listen to difficult things, without reacting destructively…and I can be ok.  But, I cannot allow myself to be demeaned or to pretend and then relax and enjoy a meal with those who diminish me.

In our family, the one I design, we show up for hard conversations, we listen, we ask questions, we forgive and we apologize.  My boys are witness to my tears, mistakes, amends, and triumphs.  They know me and believe in me….and that makes my heart literally swell with joy and ache with grief.  I cannot imagine expereincing that as a child.