When Someone Shows You Who They Are

I have survived a lifetime of participation in my own neglect and rejection (and of course this behavior, when it was all I knew, is what I brought into the world).  
With recovery, came a whole new set of tools. Spiritual Recovery teaches me that I have choices and responsibilities. Self-care falls into each of those categories. After having fled from my mother and sister 26 years ago, with zero intent for even a return visit, upon receiving news of my 84 year old mother’s cancer, I promptly relocated cross country to be of service to her, knowingly accepting risk of proximity to a raging and crafty sister was a price I braved, so that my mother could have the blessing of knowing her grandsons. And grand, they fucken are. I treasured the insulation of 2500 miles between  my family of origin (FOO) and US.

No good deed goes unpunished. I am proud of the choice I made, unsurprised by the continued dynamic. The only thing that has changed is me and nobody is pounding me on the back for my unwillingness to hold post as scapegoat. Unwilling to be co-erced or to engage in having my boundaries challenged, they do not know what to do with me.   So they do as they always have. And I detach.  If they had the awareness and the courage, they would more directly say to me “Fuck you for going off script. Who do you think you are?”

I am a child of God and a mother of two beautiful boys. I don’t believe we have met before.

Let’s Roll-Grappling On and Off the Mats

I am missing the relief from my Brazilian Jiu Jitsu classes cancelled in honor of the holiday weekend. What happens in there is pure magic. The energy exchange is like nothing else I know. My need to roll today- is intense.  The commitment to honor and humility on those mats is something close to♥ god and religion, for someone like me.   (more…)

Shaming and Blaming–Not Welcome Here

I think I do an okay job many days of being faithful and kind and fiercely loyal and protective of my relationships with my sons, which is to to say that sometimes I don’t just lose my shit completely.  I always always own when I have reacted poorly and assure them that they in no way ever deserve to be screamed at or spoken to as if they are bad or unworthy.  Sadly, their innocence may get compromised when I have to explain that I am working hard to unlearn things that were practiced in my home, things I experienced daily and then took out into the world.  Yelling, accusing, blaming, shaming, (fortunately shunning never became a practice of mine(with them))  I am learning kinder ways of being in the world right along side them.  Motherhood teaches and requires me to learn all that I have been desperate to know and to feel.  God bless, my sons for having to teach both parents so much. If they maintain their #selflove and #brotherlylove and #loyalty ?, then I have done my job, not perfectly but with  total success.   They belong to each other.  God entrusted them to me for however long we have.  They are not my property or my belongings.  We are family.  We love each other….love the verb.  We share the values of kindness, loyalty, humility, authenticity.  We stick close to those who are similar in principals.  I am not just their mother, I am their greatest fan and supporter.

 

Kindness Can Not Be Legislated–BUT Unkindness Can

On my morning drive, I am typically intentional to not hear news or information, only music or a book on Audible.  Today I managed to catch the tail end of the latest on the question of the ACC being hosted in NC.  I am grateful for those with the voices and the ability to pull money making events from our state in support of anti-discrimination measures.

As I think of HB2, I find myself feeling very judgmental and resentful of those who helped Trump purchase his seat in the oval office.  Each time I think I am at a place of “It is what it is”. I find that I cannot accept any person or group of people trying to diminish another group.  It is the same group, I suspect who has active disinterest in gun control.

And here is my very uninformed and strong opinion.  It all comes down to support and awareness for mental health and wellness.  Hurt people hurt people and no matter how they get their guns or which restrooms they use, those wired for oppressing, exploiting, harming others will do so.  I feel again sickened by those who want to legislate limited resource accessibility, to those in need and who are actively underserved and then judged for failure to thrive.

When oh when will we address this?  I guess when the prison system stops being a highly lucrative industry.  This makes me sad and even more tired.  But it felt good for a moment to have a new host for my frustrations, other than my family of origin.

Follow Your Heart- Be True and Honor Yourself

I am practicing saying no to anyone causing needless complexity.  Anne Lamott, in a graduation speech, wisely suggested to the graduates: “Refuse to co-operate
with anyone who is trying to shame you or steal your freedom, your personal and civil liberties, and then smirking about it.”

As my sister likes to say: “AMEN” . Click on AMEN to read more of her spiritual use of this word.  I suppose, why this matters is the conflict between her claim to want to be a family, depending on who she is speaking to, and what she is willing to say and do when under the beleif she is communicating excusivley to my mother, who fully supports her in this way of being.  Her smear campaign against me coupled with her forged alliance with my ex-husband while offering through pinched smile that I join them for celebrations(OR ELSE) is too much for me.  I will totally choose OR ELSE.  Always.

Detachment from insanity and abuse is not easy, but it is wholesome, good, right, and 100% Badass.  What do you need to detach from, to elevate the quality of your life?

The Matriarchal Family

Oh dear gawd, my mother, her mother, my aunts and my sister were the older females in my life. They treated me poorly and collectively agreed it was necessary. My grandmother was the worst…she was certain she could bully me into having a better relationship with my raging mother. She was like gas to our inferno relationship. I have never genuinely developed an appreciation for older women and suspect that is because I find them to be terrifying. I was grateful when I married a man whose mother had already passed on to her eternal place of rest. Hahaha—laughing but not kidding. I refuse to imagine how much more difficult our loveless marriage could have been. His older and Oedipal sisters fell right in line with that sort of fiercely righteous presence. Anne Lamott suggests we should flirt with all old people and go out of our way to engage them and to connect. Honest truth—all I can think is too much perfume and mean as fuck. I know it is not true and I marvel at those with loving aunts, great aunts, grandmothers, and meemaws. While I never had one, I might one day be one. Unlearning is not easy.  Opening my heart one day at a time is one of the many gifts of recovery.  Having a Greg in my life is a large part of why I have the courage to try.  He fills my heart and so- I have more to give.  I love you baybee!  You are most wholesome badass mutherfukkuh.  You give and nurture without expectation, and mostly without even thinking to do so.  100% Natural WBA.  Because of you, I breathe better and more deeply.  As I am also a recovering breath holder.  Learning how to breathe is part of my journey and makes me more badass.

 

Hallelujah Anyway–Anne Lamott with Reverend Chip Edens

The Five Rules of Being A Grown Up
By Tom Weston
1. You must not have anything wrong with you, or anything different about you.
2. If you have something wrong or different about you, you really need to correct it. You need to be able to pass under all circumstances.
3. If you can’t correct it, or change it in any way, you should just pretend that you have. It’s not a problem anymore. Good news!
4. If you can’t even pretend to have corrected the situation, you should just not show up, because it’s very painful for the rest of us to see you in your current condition.
5. If you’re going to insist on showing up, you should at least have the decency to be ashamed.


And that’s what every single one of us is against. Last night, I was able to attend Anne Lamott’s interview with Reverend Chip Edens. This is just one of the fantastic nuggets I brought back with me. A reminder of what we are all up against, those of us raised with untreated mental illness and addiction. My family of origin is clearly affected by these diminishing beliefs. My non-adherence will keep us divided. ?? I will devour this book as I dig deeper to find Mercy for myself-as directed by our hero Saint Annie!  Breathing is easier today, after having seen this in writing, heard it spoken by a Trusted Other, and been in a room with 1500 nodding heads.

What are the secret rules and codes that have been used to keep you playing small?  How will you avoid passing them on to your children?

 

Heaven Knows……

And I’d like to tell them to go fuck themselves…

My mother’s cancer, age, aging still have not served as a magic wand erasing the effects of continued harshness, which is either not “real”(imagined) or is well earned; my due.  There is no where to go with this, but to God and trusted others.  It has been expressed that my imagined or well earned injuries could be served well by the correct medication.  I think a little kindness and accountability would do the trick.  But I am no trained professional.  Believing my mental health or over-sensitivity as the only issue keeps them safe from having any responsibility to reflect on their contributions. (more…)

Pray for a Miracle

On and off, for decades, I wanted so badly to be like them and with them that I was willing to engage the sentiment that I was broken and unworthy, and should
show gratitude for moments of near non-exile, by becoming someone other than myself. That did not work. Trying this…

Understanding Unforgiveness- Repair or Release?

Forgiving those who knowingly continue to diminish the sanctity of my family can sometimes feel impossible. Reading and listening to every writer, healer, spiritual guide–seeking the help I need to stay inside my truth, inside myself-rather than becoming an unwholesome reaction. I am soothed by sage words of Desmond Tutu and his daughter Mpho Tutu as they delve deeply into compassion, humility, healing, forgiveness, love, and faith.  Over and over they share what it looks like to Repair or Release relations that are broken.

I cannot read this passage enough times, the relief and comfort of these words defies my articulation. This passage feels supportive of healing, specifically for those of us negotiating life with untreated mental illness and addiction—those who will or cannot consider doing the work of healthy repairs to damaged relations.

I will pray for the wisdom and courage to know when and then to do the work of Repairing(which requires mutual investment) and Releasing(also mutual investment, though perhaps not mutually preferred).

 

If you have suggestions for books or resources, which have been helpful in this way to you, I hope you will share.