I am still contemplating the “dream” and the killing. My husband(in the dream) had the woman naked in a lucite box. He had cut her and she was bleeding and he was slowly filling the box with water turning red, and she was flailing just trying to keep her lips above the water until it filled all the way up and she stopped moving. And I knew it. And didn’t know how or whom I could share. I had no trusted others=no hope!
Conceptually, I understand that our bodies keep the score and know the truth. Just as I understand that our thoughts and feelings manifest as vibrations that affect our worlds, no matter how much we resist the urge to overtly act on them. What we resist persists is certainly true of my thinking, especially when I am fixated on something which feels threatening. (more…)
I learned today that my mother is not doing well. She will go for a CATscan next week and then there will be information regarding the status of her health. I suspect my sister will share the info with my ex-husband to pass on to me, which is….. whatever. And here his the thing. If my mother passed tomorrow, I know I wouldn’t have done one thing from the past 10 years differently. I showed up and served and reached out time after time. I took all the risk. I made myself available and vulnerable for service, healing, and connection….repeatedly and was handled like a dirty diaper, because I made decisions for my family that were best for us.
My refusal to show up for dinners and events and pretending that this didn’t and does not still happen or hurt, is the choice I make. Will her passing change things? It will not change my values or my responsibility for my own self-preservation. My mother’s rejection of my requests to heal, in addition to her overt disrespect for my detachment from situations that are harmful, keep us where we are. The presence of a loving, loyal, supportive mother will be no less in 20 years than it is today or last year. This is a painful truth- not one I can change-just accept.
I can hear it now… “She is impossible to love”, because that feels safer than saying “I was unable to give her the love she deserved”. Or “She was incapable of feeling love”. Again, safer than saying, “I am incapable of being loving and vulnerable”. Why would I want to engage or expose myself to those so utterly right, at my expense? I Surrender! I am no longer ashamed of the way you behave towards me. That is your business 100% Be right. Just do it over there and leave me to my life with those who feel and show love for me. Surrender is for Badasses. I fucken surrender my mother and sister.
Before recovery, I survived as a series of mostly unfortunate reactions. Consumed by confusion and fear of others people’s needs, demands, and criticisms I pinballed through my life- seeking only to hurt less. Never still nor quiet enough to hear what was in my heart♥. I lacked G.O.D.–Good Orderly Direction. What was clear and true in my FOO, I should get small and shut up(contract)-be less inconvenient…irritating. Overly sensitive and highly strung, my presence invited my family to lash out at me for the burden of my expression of feelings. The lashing and banishing made me become louder and more frantic. My experiences are not universal truths, yet they are real and they are MINE. Sharing my experience is how I connect and heal and grow. I go where I grow.
Today the world feels safer, to me. Millions willing to speak truth to power, communicating with peaceful and united action. I intend to
follow directions offered on Michael Moore’s Facebook page and stick close to those whose values, actions, and words are aligned with kindness and love for people. All people. There is but one way, together.
My ♥ feels fuller and stronger. Feelings of hope and peace almost make me feel mentally unstable– after a solid year of sustained despair. Expansion under oppression is painful. The world is shifting– and there are those so deeply encamped, that transformation and progress feel threatening. My prayer: Bless them, change me. Always. This is ONE Wholesome Badass movement in our history. One of many. It is true that my spirituality is my greatest contribution to my parenting-raising children to not sit quietly while others are being diminished or denied. Like Glennon said, “I don’t give a shit if they get straight A’s or are popular.” What matters is that they are kind and compassionate. I will remind them frequently; “There is nobody that matters more than you.” “And nobody that matters less”. (more…)
“I will not pretend to feel what I do not feel or to want what I do not want. I can only learn to love myself if I am willing to learn who I am.(….) I may not choose to act on those feelings or desires, but I won’t hide them from myself.” I will not deny parts of myself for the comfort of others any more than I will await permission to feel my feelings and meet my needs. I finally understand what it means to give away power and am no longer willing because I am learning to do better. Powerful women choose love and serenity. I haaated it when people would say “Don’t be so quick to give away your power.” I had no idea what that meant or how NOT to. Contraction and explosive rage were what we practiced in our home. Contraction to suit others and explosive or passive-aggressive rage when it seemed impossible to contract tightly enough.
For some, contraction is a way of life and they require it of others and are quick to retaliate at those who do not. I am raising two lil expansive and self-actualized lovers and seekers of elevation, expansion….authentic connection. (more…)
Just as some of us need more food, sleep, exercise, some of us require more time and space to recover from daily life in this overstimulating world. So silly and exhausting to try and hide this from others. Culturally, I guess, it is meant to be impressive, boasting self elected denial of our own needs and casually illuminating all the things we DO instead. I feel not only relief, but pleasure from admitting that “I just can’t do it.” Having Trusted Others who share this as a value is a spiritual triumph, especially for those with whom I choose to share a table and a bed. We mutually and collectively refuse the needless complexity of pretending…..and of tryyyyyyying to hard.
I fucken love ♥ the total ownership “I am sorry, that is not going to work out.” Why lie, attempt to twist or shave off parts of myself to make others comfortable? Where is the prize for that? Is it a prize I even value? If we must lie to meet our own needs, maybe it is time to check our needs or those whom require us to lie, in order to claim our seat at their table.
At the truth-table, Glennon shows us how there are infinite seats, the table just gets bigger. Grab a seat—capes can be checked at the door. Martyr is not the same as a Superwoman.
If only I looked like a million dollars with a makeup and sound crew in my well decorated studio. Having the conversation now seems more important than all that. For Part II, maybe I will shower and wear earrings. And manage my eye contact better. Looking at the screen of myself is very uncomfortable.
That took some serious courage—from someone who goes to great effort to dodge a camera. Anything for my boys! Anything!
Apparently, this is a heavy convo. I am not requesting “answers”. Anybody claiming to have them, need not share. I am asking begging to hear experiences of learning and sharing about sex and intimacy— however you did and how that worked out and what you might do differently. Thank you for your time and your Badass courage!
At the terms “happy” and “friendly“, I cannot help but wince…no joke. Parading as perpetually happy and friendly is a tool for perception management. The awkward Pollyanna posturing as easy going, free from difficult feelings, and unfortunate choices is just silly. Happy is not a status.
Me—I am happy when I am not required to pretend to be friendly. Hahaha
I am neither social nor friendly-that is my wiring. And I honor that– declining social engagements with even my favorite people, because I find social events to be too much for me. I do enjoy helping people in need, when it is safe and when I am able, but it does not mean I wish to hang out after helping. This perplexes some. That is Okay. Friendly and kind are totally different. (more…)
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Who you spend your time with will have a great impact on what kind of life you live. Spend time with the right people.
— Joel Osteen (@JoelOsteen) November 19, 2016
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Lately, it has become apparent that the conversations need to begin now. Oh, how I want to impart healthy ideas about sex, bodies, love and intimacy. But who am I? What do I know? Please join the conversation, spread the word. Share your wisdom. We must do better for our children. With sex everywhere, we cannot be squeamish or silent and pretend it is all about love, marriage and babies, unless we want to create shame-filled sexuality for our children. I do not want that. Here is a little video, my first ever. I am eager to have the conversations with others– before I do with my sons. Please chime in here or email me or leave a comment. Let’s do this!
