For much of my life I treasured, even sought, the opportunity to align with one person (squee –closeness, right?) against another for any reason at all– instant, cheap, and easy bond. I had consistently witnessed how “Your enemy’s enemy is your friend”.
I found it to be intoxicatingly powerful to collude, mock, gossip, undermine…and far better to be on the giving end of that business, than the receiving end. Recovery relieves me from agreeing to be on either end of that. I have learned to say no, say nothing, walk away.
In my family of origin there were four targets (sensitive and prone to observable struggle). I was the easiest by far. The youngest and most reactive and clearly void of a safe person/place on which to count. The other three were grateful, not to me— but for me. As I was the only thing standing between them and the cross-hairs. You’re welcome.
I now refuse relationships in which punishing others is an option, with the exception of my parental responsibility. We rely on natural consequences for the sake of moral development. Dishonesty and Unkindness have naturally unfavorable repercussions, in our home. The rule and standard is clear and consistent. And the consequences are predictable losses of privilege, never loss of connection, belonging, or love.
My boys and I are examining and crushing the myth THAT: People may deserve or freely impose hardship, fear, shame– based on personal moods and desires. That shit stops here.
Rather than being guided by our broken models or even worse, our selfish wills and ever changing moods- we follow the static principles offered in any of the 12 Step Programs. We count on the 12 Steps to protect each of us from ourselves and the 12 Traditions to protect our groups from our selves.
We learn to work only on ourselves—not on others, though the desire is mighty.
