It was communicated collectively and consistently to me, that who I was (am) is THE problem. In my 40s, I found a program of recovery to help me begin to heal from that. People claiming to love me (my parents, older sister, husband) suggested that I needed to be cured, of being who I am. Individually, they each treated me as if they believed the following of themselves: “I am only an asshole because you suck. Once you fix that we will all be fine.” I came to believe this also. This hurts. I needed to heal from that shitty messaging…the lies about my worth. I had no idea that I could ever be loved and belong and be uniquely WHO I AM.
Yesterday, I listed choices which I am now, as an adult, able to make because of my program of recovery. I get to learn and practice principles and behaviors which define and speak to WHO I AM by how I live(…not what I was like 10,20,30 years ago–I waste no time trying to change or deny the past. No point.)
Today I am listing things about myself which I did not actively choose, but now accept. Parts of myself of which I am neither proud nor ashamed- which no longer cause self doubt, loathing, and fear of separation:
I did NOT choose to:
- learn to hate myself at a cellular level
- have a mother who did not understand me
- have a father from another country with skin, language, culture, religion, and foods that felt scary for me
- be touched in ways that hurt me while lacking the skills to effectively articulate the nature of my pain
- to be disliked, separate, and cast out by my family from an early age
- to have a sister 6.5 years older than me who was an expert at making me feel crummy and then telling me to lighten up
- to be tall and thin(skinny) and brown skinned with a weird nose and seemingly bizarre names
- to be different and unacceptable–an outsider in my home–and community
- to be highly sensitive to all sensory stimulus
- to be boundariless and insatiable
- to be emotionally intense
- to be clumsy
- to be socially awkward
- to feel all things deeply
- to inconvenience others with my needs, questions, concerns, feelings
- to have unhealthy relationships with people food, sex, money, alcohol, truth
- to care so deeply for all the people and animals, particularly the ones needing the most–that I would become desperately sad, in ways that others couldn’t understand or accept
- to have a short attention span
- to be terrified of myself and all others
- a need to understand, communicate, and resolve pain and conflict directly
- depression
- anger
- a need to dominate, diminish, and exclude (I learned these at home from the people who loved me the very most) Once I knew better(age 40—better late than never. Some people go to their graves this way), I began to do better.
Every one of these things shaped me and guided me but do not define me. Only my choices define me. I understand now- that– Before we know/possess self love, we are toxic people—incapable of compassion for our selves or others- unable to participate in wholesome love and connection. Being broken like that, makes it unsafe to be human, to be fully yourself, to make mistakes, to struggle, to fail, to share hard and ugly truths.
While I am not crazy about myself, I do have self love. It is a practice and a belief, not a feeeeeeling. On the days in which I have practiced self love and self care, I am kinder, more patient, flexible, generous, humble. My greatest form of self love: boundaries: for myself and around myself. I know how and why to say yes and no— without fear of disapproval or reprisal. I will not be bullied in or out of doing or saying a thing. Boom. That is some radical shit, right there. Zero effs how others judge. Z.E.R.O. Judgers judge, it is what they do.
