I came to view punishment and shame as logical/natural consequences to being different displeasing. Great and collective effort was dedicated to reducing me to a more manageable situation. It is difficult to discern which was more demoralizing, being demeaned or ignored- like in like the Amish shunning type of way.
I cannot beleive I still get to be with Sweet Greg (nearly 7 years), who would not consider diminishing, ignoring, or abandoning me. This relationship is one of the greatest gifts and challenges of my life. Receiving unearned unconditional kindness, love and loyalty, is unnatural and unfamiliar AND actually triggers sadness and pain. It is a reminder of the basic kindness and secure connection, I had not previously known. So, even within the dearest of times, I struggle (with doing the unfamiliar) and am in pain.
It is not a negative attitude, not an obssession with the past or lack of gratitude. THIS is unhealed trauma. THIS is grief. I will continue doing the work to break the cycle and to heal myself. My recovery is the very most important thing I may ever truly do or model for my children. It is exhausting though and never fn ending.
