My homework from therapy was to write a letter to myself of what I would want my mother to say to me, what I would like to hear, what might help me heal and recover some ability to live life in peace or at least with less pain.
I cannot imagine my mother saying and meaning anything kinder than this.
Dear Maggie,
Truthfully, my inability to relate to you and connect with you was onerous. It enraged me to feel helpless and controlled by something so foreign and inconvenient to me, and for which I was responsible. The truth is I was annoyed and humiliated by your constant feelings and needs and my inability to contain, control, or eradicate them.
You were always so sensitive and needing and I disliked having my attention diverted to matters which were uninteresting to me.
My discontent with you troubled my mother and brother and diminished their interest, fondness or sense of protection for you. The difficulty of YOU— it seems your sister recognized that as advantageous–illuminating her (by comparison) as THE easy / good one and she leveraged that. I did not mind or stop her. In all honestly, you were just too much. Or… maybe I was not enough. Either way, You deserved love, protection and loyalty and I surely did not effectively provide that, in fact my attitude and actions toward you blocked it.
Rather than wishing someone from MY family might step up and be supportive and understanding of you, I preferred their solidarity with me, in agreement that you were the problem and needed to be dealt with accordingly-as we collectively did. You really never stood a chance. To demonstrate love and fidelity to me, they chose me…over you. One of US- was wrong and problematic. The shared opinion of you was useful, a cautionary tale. As the youngest of all your cousins, when you came along, it was made clear that the price of being too much– would be a life on the outside—and always in the “family” crosshairs.
It is a shame that you could not have had a different reaction experience. Truly unfortunate. Catherine G Whitney Jilan Catherine Ghoneim Whitney
Mother
PS- Regarding our alliance with your ex-husband, while knowing what we know, it was not ideal but it served its purpose, providing us access to your sons without dealing with or considering you. And– we did enjoy being in the company of another, who felt similarly put out by you.
