In the family system/code that believes and says, “Serves you right,” my boys seem to have been programmed to interpret my chaos, struggle, difficulty, and misfortune as proof of my badness. Instead of an instinct to comfort me or offer love and support, their reaction is more like: “Yep, that tracks. Makes sense. Serves her right. When will she learn? This is why they/we must treat her this way.”
She has clearly forfeited her right to express needs, limits, preferences, or boundaries. She is to be disregarded as a person—and as a parent with authority. (I literally have a screenshot of a text from my boys’ father to my son saying exactly these words: “Disregard your mother.”)
So, when I struggle—which is often—it reinforces their programming around my inherent and undeniable unworthiness. My difficulty serves as a sign that I am the problem, and that belief pushes them further into the groupthink stating: For us to be right, she must be wrong. For us to feel okay about how she’s treated, we shall agree that she is the problem.
In a zero-sum, binary mindset, someone must be wrong as proof of the other’s rightness. And when you dare to challenge, the response isn’t a conversation or reflection—it’s annihilation- crush anyone who questions you – put them in their place. You rewrite the narrative so you’re either the hero or the victim—and the person you’ve decided to harm simply got what they deserved.
Then, you may comfortably call betrayal and torment a “natural consequence.”
But natural consequences don’t require enforcement. That’s what makes them natural. In this system, though, what’s “natural” is to worry about becoming a target. “Natural” to hold someone else in the crosshairs to ensure your own inclusion/”safety”—for another day.
